Late Laughs for the week of September 8 - 14, 2019

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It was a beautiful weekend here in New York City. It was so nice that the prison guards watching Jeffrey Epstein's cell left to have a picnic.


Trump is in New Jersey on a 10-day vacation. People close to Trump say he's spending most of his vacation tweeting, golfing and watching TV. Unlike when he's working, where he spends most of his time golfing, tweeting and watching TV.


Today was National Middle Child Day! You could tell that it was National Middle Child Day because everyone forgot about it.


Olive Garden is once again selling its lifetime pasta pass -- you eat a lifetime's worth of pasta in one sitting, and then you pass.


In Seattle, a 70-year-old man mixed up the brake pedal and the gas pedal and drove through the window of an L.A. Fitness. I can't tell what's scarier: the accident, or that the driver is seven years younger than Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders.


We're halfway through August, and people don't know how to handle this weird time between summer and fall. Today, I saw someone drinking pumpkin spice rosé.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Every day I wake up and I think, "Things can't possibly get any worse." Every day Trump says, "Hold my filet-o-fish, I'm going in."


Hong Kong is in turmoil. For the second day in a row, pro-democracy protesters have taken over the airport, causing all flights to be canceled. And I would like to note that that mass uprising in Hong Kong looks exactly like the waiting lounge before any Southwest flight.


The stock market has been swinging like a tetherball in a typhoon. Former Treasury secretary Lawrence Summers puts the odds of a recession at around 50-50, so you can just flip a coin. No wait! Save the coin, you're going to need it.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Anthony Scaramucci compared (Trump) to the HBO series about the Chernobyl nuclear catastrophe -- a complete disaster created by Russia. Yeah, that sounds about right. Honestly, I wouldn't limit it to just that show. Trump has also told his fair share of "Big Little Lies."


The majority of children, including infants as young as nine months old, find beards unattractive. Although, it wasn't so much the beards that bothered them, it was the non-stop rambling about this great new IPA.


A woman has sued the cereal company Post for false advertising after learning they don't sweeten their Honey Bunches of Oats cereal with actual honey. If this lawsuit puts Honey Bunches of Oats out of business, you know what that would make this woman? A cereal killer.


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Back in 2017, (Trump) sent handwritten notes to Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau, and he wrote those notes in Sharpie. One of the notes was written on the cover of Bloomberg Businessweek. So just to recap: Trump tore the cover off a magazine, wrote on it in Sharpie and mailed it to the prime minister of Canada like the "Zodiac Killer" or something.


The double D-O-G himself, Snoop Dogg, is with us tonight. Snoop likes to drop by a few times a year to test out the smoke alarm in our Green Room.


We make a lot of jokes about this president, but it's important to remember just how much he's sacrificed for the good of us. All he cares about is others. He doesn't care about money. By the way, this man who doesn't care about money? His house looks like Liberace's sarcophagus.


The race for 2020 is heating up. John Hickenlooper, however, is out. After almost no speculation, John Hickenlooper ended his campaign today. It's always a bad sign when you learn someone was running from the announcement that they dropped out.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Authorities in South Carolina have dropped drug charges against a college football player after a test proved that a white substance on the hood of his car was bird poop, not cocaine. Though I can understand their suspicion, because everyone knows the best place to hide cocaine is on the hood of your car.


Former vice-president Joe Biden apologized this weekend after misspeaking at an event and saying, "Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids." Adding, "Sorry that came out gay."


According to a West Virginia official, evangelicals were upset that President Trump took the Lord's name in vain last month at a rally. Said evangelicals: "We'd prefer if you'd refer to them as the 'gosh darn' Latinos invading our country."


The band Guns N' Roses has dropped a copyright lawsuit against a company that was selling a Guns N' Rosé beer. Which is good news for the makers of Sweet Child o' Wine.


A Thai woman was sent to the hospital yesterday after claiming she slipped and fell on a cucumber, causing it to end up inside of her. Said her husband: "She's had a rough week. Just the other day she slipped and fell on the mailman!"