Late Laughs for the week of Aug. 27 - Sept. 2

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Jimmy Kimmel Live! with David Alan Grier (R)

[Donald] Trump sat for a deposition with the New York State attorney general and repeatedly pled the Fifth (Amendment) for over four hours. ... At this point, the hardest thing is figuring out which crime Trump is being investigated for. ... Is this the tax fraud thing, or the insurrection thing, or the voter fraud thing, or the paying off the porn star thing, or the Capitol Police thing, or one of the other two Capitol Police things, or the mishandling of classified document things, or the thing where you used the Oval Office to sell beans? Where is the House Committee on that one?


In other mating news, they've got a freaky problem down there in Florida right now. ... Folks have been messing with the manatees down in Florida while they're having group sex. So much so that the Sarasota Police Department had to tweet this warning: "If you see a manatee mating herd, observe respectfully from a distance. Do not touch." And I get that. I hate when I'm having sex in public and people try to touch me.


Now have you guys heard about the controversy over at the Sesame Street theme park in Philly? Well, they got in trouble because some of their costumed characters were accused of ignoring Black kids in the park. ... The theme park is being sued for $25 million by the kids' parents. Their lawyer said the lawsuit was brought to them by the letters F and U.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (R)

We are getting a sequel [to the Jan. 6 hearings] in September (2022), and a fall hearing is perfect because the former president [Donald Trump] is pumpkin spice.


There was a whole list of security officials the president [Trump] didn't reach out to that day [Jan. 6]. ... He did not call them from a box. He did not call while watching Fox. He did not help out Uncle Sam. His brain is made of eggs and ham.


We have breaking news. This just in: at 11:44 [p.m.] eastern time, I am sad to report that actor Miriam Margolyes says Arnold Schwarzenegger deliberately farted in her face while filming the [1999] movie "End of Days." I'm sorry, I have a correction: we have "breaking wind" news. ... [and] I think everyone who saw "End of Days" feels like he farted in our face.


[Mark Meadows assistant] Cassidy Hutchinson, age 25 ... is testifying despite multiple threats of violence to tell the American people the truth [about Jan. 6]. Well, she can add all this to her resume: Crisis management, excellent recall, bigger balls than Mark Meadows.


If the court believes this type of Christian ritual [praying publicly at midfield during a game], then I'm sure they'll be fine with every religion going varsity. I can't wait for the Satanic cheerleaders: "D-E-V-I-L! Come on, team, let's burn in hell! Sacrifice a goat!"


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (R)

Thanks to some big wins in Congress, falling gas prices and a stronger economy, President Biden's approval rating has surged three points. That's it?! That's like donating a kidney and getting a text back that says "thx."


When Netflix rolls out their cheaper plan ... you get: commercial breaks; no downloads; when you try to hit "Skip Intro," it says "Nah"; "Stranger Things" is just the Jonathan scenes; each month they send you a cheese sandwich from the Fyre Festival documentary; when you're with your parents, it automatically plays the show "How to Build a Sex Room"; and finally, it automatically shares your password with all of your exes.


According to new research, standing desks can improve your well-being and reduce stress at the office. However, listening to your co-worker talk about their standing desk does the complete opposite.


Most Americans didn't care that China was mad [about Nancy Pelosi's visit to Taiwan] until they remembered that China still owns TikTok: "Nancy, what have you done?"


Tiger Woods turned down an $800-million offer to join the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tournament. The last time Tiger lost $800 million was when he dropped his wallet.


Late Night With Seth Meyers (R)

First lady Dr. Jill Biden said in an interview that she has dinner with President Biden most nights and they turn off the television to spend time together. Also, nothing good is on at 4 p.m.


According to the latest numbers, after Taco Bell brought back the Mexican Pizza to its menu in May (2022), demand was seven times higher than when the item was previously available. Also seven times higher? The people ordering them.


A Chick-fil-A restaurant in North Carolina is facing criticism after it was looking for volunteers to work at the location's drive-thru who would be given five free entrées for a one-hour shift instead of being paid. Perhaps most offensive, calling a sandwich from Chick-fil-A an "entrée."


A woman in Minnesota has set a Guinness World Record for world's longest fingernails -- also, world's worst texter.