Late Laughs for the Week of Sept. 10 - Sept. 16

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert (R)

Belgium is struggling to incinerate all of the cocaine it seized in yet another record year. Well, there's an easy fix. If they're struggling to keep up, give the people running the incinerator cocaine. They will not sleep until the job is done.


After a series of very public setbacks, Elon Musk's 2022 wealth loss exceeds $100 billion. Listen, Elon, I know belt-tightening is no fun, but you're not alone in these tough economic times. OK, all of us are having to cut back on how many cars we have to shoot into space.


Sean Hannity was on a text chain with "Fox and Friends'" Steve Doocy, and Sean complained about the news team's insistence on reporting facts, writing, "News" destroyed us." Well, if it makes you feel any better, Sean, you also destroyed news.


Oklahoma voters overwhelmingly rejected an effort to legalize recreational marijuana. What are you thinking, Oklahoma? Your whole state is a pipe. ... Oh, it's a "panhandle," sure.


Republicans have sponsored a bill that would allow 14- and 15-year-olds to work certain jobs in meat packing plants. ... These bills loosen protections in some of the most dangerous workplaces. Case in point, Iowa's bill would "allow students to work in places like mines ... if those jobs are part of a work-based learning program." You can learn a lot by working in the mines, like why we used to have laws to keep kids from working in mines.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (R)

Former president Trump released his book, "Letters to Trump," which is a collection of 150 private letters sent to him by big name celebrities and politicians. Yeah, the book actually features letters from Putin and Kim Jong Un. But, kind of concerning, they're Valentine's Day cards. The book even contains a letter from Hillary Clinton. Well, technically, it's letters cut out of various magazines and glued.


There's a new smart device called Companion that babysits your dog by entertaining it, feeding it and monitoring its health. Yep. There's also a cheaper option. It's called not having a dog.


I heard about a British fisherman who caught a goldfish that was over 60 pounds. ... The goldfish was like, "So I went a little overboard on Thanksgiving, OK? What, everyone's a judge?"


Elon Musk reportedly told Twitter employees that he's done laying people off and is now looking to start hiring. Elon knew he needed more people when he looked around the Twitter office and saw fewer than 280 characters.


Well, get this. A man in the U.K. thought he was losing his hearing and then discovered that part of an earbud had been stuck in his ears for five years. After doctors removed it, he was like, "Thanks. I've had that song stuck in my head since 2017."


Jimmy Kimmel Live! (R)

Well, kids, what the former president of the United States said about me and Stephen Colbert and all the late-night hosts, I guess, is this: "These Losers are dying, they are bad for our Country, which is in serious decline. Nobody wants to watch this negativity anymore. There's nothing funny about them. They're highly overpaid, easily replaceable fools!" And yet, unlike you, we still have our jobs.


Mashed potatoes are the second most popular side item, according to Campbell's. The soup people released what they call the State of the Sides report. The No. 1 most popular side item was stuffing, and the report also found that two-thirds of Americans prefer the side dishes to the main course, which, you hear that turkeys? We're killing you for fun.


A lot of Republicans wish that this monster they helped create would go away, but he [Trump] just keeps coming back. He's like herpes: once your party has him, you can't get rid of him — all you can do is try and shorten the outbreaks.


Jeff Bezos — you know, the bald guy with the cowboy hat we buy our fiber gummies from? Jeff Bezos said that he will give most of his $120 billion fortune to charity and the rest will go to Season 2 of that Lord of the Rings show.


Late Night With Seth Meyers (R)

A museum in Texas broke a Guinness World Record by printing the world's largest book, which is seven feet tall and 11 feet wide. It also set a record by being the first book of 2022 that isn't about Trump.


According to a new study, Americans over 50 who play video games feel overlooked by the gaming industry. For example, there is no option to play "Grand Theft Auto" with your left blinker on the whole time. That's right, 70% of older Americans who play video games do not feel like products are designed with them in mind, because when they tried it, they failed miserably.


A source recently told "People" magazine that former president Trump respects and admires former first lady Melania Trump and wants to make her happy. But he plans to stay married to her anyway.


Rapper Snoop Dogg launched a pet accessory line called Snoop Doggie Doggs, which includes plush toys, bowls and leashes. Even crazier, he hadn't done that already.


According to a survey, 11% of Americans said that they find the sound of a baby's laugh relaxing, while the other 89% said, "Oh, damn it, the baby's awake."