Late Laughs for the week of April 2 - April 8

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [March 7], the Justice Department filed a lawsuit to block JetBlue's merger with Spirit Airlines. It's actually positive news because lately when we hear about JetBlue merging with another airline, it's on the runway.


Tucker Carlson is being criticized by both parties for saying that January 6th was "mostly peaceful." That's like if your main takeaway from Woodstock '99 was that Limp Bizkit played "Nookie." ... Carlson also said that most of the rioters were "sightseers," but usually when sightseers go to a museum, they don't try to take a Picasso home with them.


The 95th Oscars are this Sunday [March 12]. Yeah. I love the Oscars because it's the one time we get to make James Cameron sit in a theater for five hours.


This will be Jimmy Kimmel's third time hosting the Oscars, which means it will also be the third time my dad calls the next day, like, "You did a great job hosting the Oscars. You got funny all of a sudden, huh?"


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

He's [Donald Trump] reportedly already eyeing potential running mates and he wants someone who is "unfailingly loyal — and bland enough that they don't steal any spotlight." That's right, blander than Mike Pence. Get ready for his running mate: Slice of Wet Bread 2024.


Elon Musk is still running Twitter and, technically, running it into the ground. Because yesterday [March 6], Twitter was hit with one of the biggest outages since Musk took over. During the app-wide outage, users could not access photos or links. That's rough. Everyone knows the links are the best part of Twitter 'cause they take you away from Twitter.


Sean Hannity was on a text chain with "Fox and Friends'" Steve Doocy, and Sean complained about the news team's insistence on reporting facts, writing, "News" destroyed us." Well, if it makes you feel any better, Sean, you also destroyed news.


Yesterday [March 7], Oklahoma voters overwhelmingly rejected an effort to legalize recreational marijuana. What are you thinking, Oklahoma? Your whole state is a pipe. ... Oh, it's a "panhandle," sure.


We're getting disturbing reports that there are countries besides the United States, and over in France, a mass strike has brought the country to a halt with stoppages among truck drivers, garbage collectors, schools, fuel deliveries, air travel and train service. The strike even affected the Louvre, where protesters briefly occupied the room where the Mona Lisa is displayed and she was not happy about it. Or was she? It's hard to tell, really.


Republicans have sponsored a bill that would allow 14- and 15-year-olds to work certain jobs in meat packing plants. ... These bills loosen protections in some of the most dangerous workplaces. Case in point, Iowa's bill would "allow students to work in places like mines ... if those jobs are part of a work-based learning program." You can learn a lot by working in the mines, like why we used to have laws to keep kids from working in mines.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

In his speech over the weekend [March 4] at CPAC, former president Trump said that before he came along, the Republican party was run by freaks and fools. Yeah, nothing like the Rhodes scholars we have today. That's like going to Orlando and saying, "You know, it wasn't always this nice."


A group of entrepreneurs in Massachusetts have filed paperwork to open a topless marijuana dispensary, though they might run into some legal issues since they're 10.


Tinder recently released an Australian edition of its dating dictionary, which includes the phrase "kitten fishing." That means "changing aspects of yourself to appear more attractive to others." Or, as we call that here, dating.


The White House yesterday [March 8] criticized Fox News host Tucker Carlson for his misleading portrayal of the Capitol attack and said, "Tucker Carlson is not credible." And I think they're right because Tucker then said, "Thank you, Mr. President. I respect your opinion."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Later this week [March 9], President Biden will be releasing his budget. But his administration is already leaking the fact that Biden will propose a tax increase to keep Medicare solvent, practically daring Republicans to come out against it. Because nothing says, "Don't worry, you'll still be OK when you retire" like an 80-year-old president who refuses to retire.


According to reports, President Biden is close to kicking off his re-election campaign, because he's now planning to travel to the West Coast to do some fundraising. ... Biden is excited to see how much California has changed since his first visit during the Gold Rush of 1848.


Elon Musk is making headlines as word of his latest project has leaked out. Apparently, he is in the process of building his very own city outside Austin, Texas, mostly for employees at his nearby factories. ... Now, don't worry, citizens of Elon Musk's town will be perfectly safe. Unless the police happen to hear you making any kind of joke at the expense of Elon Musk. And then you'll be in prison.