Late Laughs for the week of Sept. 17 - Sept. 23

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon (R)

Uber released their annual Lost and Found Index, which reveals the items reported lost by passengers. Glasses, phones, keys were some of the most common ones but — get this — five people left behind their dentures. Apparently, some people like to go for a ride because they love the feel of the wind in their gums.


There's a trend on TikTok where people are making "healthy Coke" by mixing flavored sparkling water with balsamic vinegar. It really shows the lengths Coke drinkers will go to avoid Pepsi, don't you think?


I heard about a man who is suing American Airlines after they mistakenly gave his name to police in connection with a robbery at an airport shop and he spent 17 days in jail. Even worse, since going from American Airlines to prison was an upgrade, he was also charged for it.


A man in Florida was bitten by a seven-foot alligator after mistaking it for a dog with a long leash. Unfortunately, he was bitten again when he tried calling 911 on a raccoon he thought was a phone.


A poll found that Trader Joe's is the most reputable brand in the country [U.S.]. Yup, at Trader Joe's you know exactly what you're going to get: hummus from a white guy in dreadlocks.


I heard about a couple with a "busy life" who just got married after a 60-year engagement. Sixty years! That explains why one of the gifts on the registry was a new hip.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert (R)

The fact that Monkypox can be transmitted through aerosols makes it "similar to the coronavirus." No, no, no — I can't go back to Lysol-ing all my monkeys!


Understandably, people are sick of paying higher prices [during this period of inflation], so corporate America has come up with a clever solution: "quietly shrinking package sizes without lowering prices" in a phenomenon called "Shrinkflation." In their defense, corporations say the water's just very cold.


The WHO is concerned monkeypox could accelerate during the summer months with mass gatherings like festivals, so be careful, primate-themed festivals like Lollapalemur, Chimpchella and Bonoboroo!


According to a study, during the COVID pandemic, a new billionaire was created every 30 hours. Specifically between March 2020 and March 2022, 573 people became new billionaires, including 40 new pharmaceutical billionaires, which is so sad: you know they're just going to blow it all on drugs.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! (R)

[During the Jan. 6 hearings] we learned that Trump did not call in the National Guard to stop the attack. He made that up when he said it. We also learned that when his supporters were breaking in windows, chanting "hang Mike Pence," Trump was watching on TV and said, "Maybe they have the right idea" .... Mike must have been crapping his Pence while this was happening.


[In response to the Jan. 6 hearings] the Republican House Judiciary Committee ... tweeted "All. Old. News." Yeah, that was also Eichmann's defense at Nuremberg: "Guys, it was 1943!" "Old News" isn't a defense. Though I guess the fact that they didn't call it "fake news" is progress.


A federal judge denied a request made by one of the men charged with taking part [in the Jan. 6 riots]. The guy asked to take a five-day vacation to Cabo while awaiting trial for assaulting a Capitol police officer. This vacation was a prize from his employer, Mallinckrodt Pharmaceuticals, which is a drug company. That makes sense because anyone who thought a request like that made sense would have to be on drugs.


Rudy [Giuliani]'s buddies in Russia have released a list of 963 Americans who are banned from visiting ... Russia. It's a weird mix of politicians and celebrities. It includes President Biden, Nancy Pelosi, Mark Zuckerberg, Hillary Clinton, George Stephanopoulos and Morgan Freeman, for some reason, is on the list. Which, banning the president, I guess I understand — but Morgan Freeman? What is he going to do? Narrate you to death?


Late Night With Seth Meyers (R)

A man in the U.K. said in an ... interview that he drank 30 cans of Pepsi a day for 20 years but ended his addiction after doing hypnotherapy. Man, that guy must have been hard to hypnotize! "You're getting very sleepy ..." "I'm really not! I'm wide awake!"


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi ... appeared on an episode of "RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars." Either that or she didn't and that person should win!


A man in the U.K. got a tattoo on his feet that looks like a pair of shoes. Said the man, "It hurt, but not as much as the underwear."


A romance novelist in Oregon who wrote a blog post titled "How to Murder Your Husband" was convicted of killing her husband — in case you're wondering how far you have to go to get someone to read a blog post.


A man threw cake on the protective glass of Leonardo Da Vinci's "Mona Lisa" painting at the Louvre in Paris. He also threw some on a Picasso, but no one noticed.


A man in Wisconsin celebrated his 50th anniversary of eating a McDonald's Big Mac almost daily and has only missed eight days. That's not bad. Fifty years of Big Macs and only eight heart attacks.