Late Laughs for the week of March 26 - April 1

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

[Ron] DeSantis is almost certainly going to run for president in 2024, so to pump up the Ron-citement, today [Feb. 28] he released a memoir, "The Courage to Be Free." A title so politically generic that I have already forgotten it. ... Ron DeSantis's main goal: Make America Florida. No. We already have one. OK, actually, two if you count Arizona and parts of Long Island.


On Sunday [Feb. 26], we learned that the Department of Energy believes that the COVID pandemic was the result of a lab leak, a belief they hold with "low confidence." That's not reassuring. It's like if Arby's changed their slogan to, "We're pretty sure what we have is meats."


According to insiders, the former president [Trump] is facing a "soft ban" at Fox. What? What? They're banning the ex-president? That's like the Discovery Channel banning sharks. No one wants to watch "Salty Water" week.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. Energy Department just released a new report that said the COVID pandemic might have been started by a Chinese lab leak. Hmm. Americans heard and were like, "Hey, thanks for that three-years-too-late information. Any 'Game of Thrones' spoilers?"


Former president Trump criticized Fox News [Feb. 27] for promoting Ron DeSantis, "so hard and so much." At this point, Trump watching Fox feels like your friend who can't stop looking at their ex's Instagram.


Today is March 1, which means it is the start of Women's History Month. Yeah, just remember: behind every great woman is a man loudly repeating her ideas.


TikTok just announced [March 1] that all users under 18 will soon have their accounts automatically set to a one-hour daily screen time limit. A TikTok limit is rough. Pretty soon, kids will be forced to watch slightly longer videos on YouTube. ... But this is nice: Facebook said, "If you need help making kids quit your app, let us know."


Today [March 2], a bipartisan group of lawmakers reintroduced a bill to make Daylight Savings Time permanent. Man, if Biden gets this done, there's no way he's losing in 2024. I'm telling you, I have no idea what that is. Get rid of that thing. ... An extra hour. Right now, every kid's like, "Sweet, we're gonna get an extra hour of TikTok."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

When you think of all the people I regularly make fun of, it's a lot of people. The only two who have tried to stop me are Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene, who actually called the cops on me. ... I made fun of O.J. a thousand times; he hasn't tried to kill me once.


Democrats, Republicans and Independents all agree that [George] Santos should not be a congressman anymore. There's a new survey. It says 66% of New York voters want him to resign. The other 34 are him in a variety of wigs and moustaches.


The White House today [March 2] unveiled President Biden's new cybersecurity plan. And while you might think letting Joe Biden spearhead cybersecurity makes about as much sense as asking Grandpa to set up your Xbox, he's not kidding around — he's going all in.


According to the U.S. patent office, Ford, the automaker, considered building self-driving cars that can repossess themselves. About two years ago, they filed a patent that laid out a design for vehicles that could drive themselves back to the dealership if the customer doesn't pay his bill. Can you imagine, like, getting evicted from your condo, you go outside, and you see your F-150 is leaving you, too?


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden made a surprise trip last week [Feb. 20] to Ukraine by taking a 10-hour train ride or, as the guy next to him thought, an 80-hour train ride.


President Biden reportedly had a difficult time sleeping last week on the overnight train ride ... and read a briefing memo on the history of Kyiv. And that didn't put him to sleep? That would have put the last president into a multi-year coma.


Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a bill into law yesterday that takes away Disney World's self-governing status. So, if you're at Disney ... I have even more bad news: now you're also in Florida. yesterday [Feb. 28] unveiled new entries, including the word "woke." "Still not gonna look it up," said Republicans.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

New intelligence has prompted the Energy Department to conclude that the coronavirus pandemic was most likely caused by an accidental lab leak in China. When reached for comment, China was like, "Do you remember that silly balloon? What even was that?"


Forty-two students from the United Kingdom found themselves stuck in the United States [Feb. 26] after the New Hampshire hotel that they were staying at accidentally shredded their passports. Yeah, I see what's going on here, New Hampshire: the Revolutionary War was 250 years ago, get over it, OK? Get over it!