Late Laughs for the week of April 9 - April 15

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

According to the FBI, Americans lost $10.3 billion on internet scams last year, and that doesn't even count those Trump digital trading cards. There are all kinds of scams going on. One guy — this is a crazy story — spent all his money on what he thought was a thriving online business. Turned out to be Twitter; his name was Elon Musk.


Today [Mar. 15] marks three years since the first COVID lockdown. It was three years ago. Remember we were elbow-bumping and working the ATM with our feet? Well, I guess it's gone because President Biden is now in Las Vegas, of all places. He had a busy schedule today. He met with Democrats to discuss the Inflation Reduction Act, he gave a speech at UNLV about prescription drug prices, and tonight, he's wrapping things up with a stop at the Peppermint Hippo to make it rain.


Donald Trump is having another very bad week. It may be his last week as an unindicted man. Remember that perfect call he made asking the Georgia secretary of state to find him 11,000 votes? Well, apparently there's another recording of another call ... one made to the Georgia Speaker of the House. A member of the grand jury reported hearing a second recording in which Trump tries to pressure the state Speaker to overturn the election. Basically, Trump tried to order the presidency over the phone, like it was a stuffed crust pizza.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Yesterday [Mar. 14], a Russian fighter jet collided with a U.S. drone. Even worse, after the collision, the Russian plane didn't even leave a note on the windshield. Now our insurance is gonna go up. 


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Yesterday [Mar. 12] was Selection Sunday, where they announce the 68 teams in this year's March Madness tournament. Yep, that's exciting. That's right. It starts at 68, then 32, then eventually down to one — just like the number of U.S. banks.


Tonight [Mar. 14], President Biden attended a big Democratic fundraiser in Las Vegas. Yep, not really the best timing for Biden. Yesterday, he assured us the banking system is safe, and 24 hours later, he rolled up in Vegas. He's like, "Putting it all on black." Anyway, long story short, Caesars Palace now owns Rhode Island.


Aaron Rodgers said that next season, it is his intention to play for the New York Jets. But let's not get too excited — it was also my intention to go to Harvard, it just didn't happen. Yep, Aaron Rodgers could be coming to New York. Jets fans were like, "Wait, is this what happiness feels like? I like it." Unfortunately, the Jets are owned by Johnson & Johnson, which means Rodgers will only be 66% effective.


March Madness has officially begun [Mar. 16]. There's nothing more fun than carefully filling out your bracket and then losing to a co-worker who pronounces UCLA as "uch-lah." ... This year Americans will bet more than $15 billion on March Madness. People are like, "Hey, at this point, it's safer than putting money in the banks."


Ikea has recalled thousands of mirrors because they could fall and cut people. Honestly, customers should have seen this coming because the name of the mirror is Fällüncütü.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden spoke this morning [Mar. 13] about Friday's collapse of Silicon Valley Bank and reassured Americans the country's financial system is safe. But remember, this is a guy whose whole financial system is definitely a coffee can on a high shelf. "See, the thing is, they never look up there."


That's right, President Biden reassured Americans the country's financial system is safe. OK, I think the fact that you're talking about a bank collapse proves it isn't — that's like going to a funeral and giving a eulogy about how Nana's going to be fine.


President Biden signed an executive order today [Mar. 14] that increases background checks on gun purchases. From now on, gun dealers are gonna ask your first and last name.


President Biden spoke today [Mar. 15] in Las Vegas about health care. Oh, you mean that place where everyone smokes indoors and it's cool to have 7 a.m. cocktails as long as you haven't been to sleep yet? Yeah. Sure, health care in Vegas is a major priority.


The Biden administration has reportedly warned that it will ban TikTok if its Chinese parent company doesn't sell the app. Don't mess with this man. He has no use for your addictive apps! Biden's the kind of guy who can make it through a whole two-week vacation with nothing but a deck of cards and a print edition of "Sports Illustrated." "You know what we're going to do during dinner tonight? We're actually gonna talk to each other! That's what!"


The Late Late Show With James Corden

The Academy [Awards] tried to get people to learn more by flashing scannable QR codes on the screen. They even did it after the in memoriam section. Now, when you scan the QR code, you only have to watch two tasteful Dr. Pepper ads before seeing who else died last year.


With new concerns about Credit Suisse being the next bank to fall, the bank crisis might be heading over to Europe. You know it's just going to backpack around, sleep in some hostels, see the sights ...  it's a gap year, is what it is.