Late Night with Seth Meyers
The White House announced yesterday that the Biden administration will send more than 800,000 doses of the Pfizer coronavirus vaccine to Caribbean countries. Not on purpose — Ron DeSantis just keeps chucking them into the ocean.
Officials in Philadelphia announced a new mask mandate yesterday due to rising coronavirus cases, which is going to be tricky for Philly residents who have no discernable mouth and only one huge nostril.
Amazon opened a new billion-dollar air hub in Kentucky yesterday that will serve as the central location for Amazon Air. Coincidentally, "Amazon Air" is also what makes up most of their packages.
In a new interview, Rudy Giuliani said that disgraced New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo will "resurrect himself in some way." And I'd take Rudy's word for it because it looks like he was just resurrected.
Rock band Maroon 5 announced yesterday that attendees of their upcoming Ohio concert must show proof of vaccination or a recent negative coronavirus test, because they need to make sure nothing bad happens to Maroon 4. I mean, they're not for everyone, but some people love Maroon 3 and want to keep them safe. There's just something special about Maroon 2. Oh my god, run Adam [Levine]!
Today was National Middle Child Day, but don't worry if you forgot — everyone did.
The Late Show with Stephen Colbert
Ladies and gentlemen, something incredible happened in the U.S. Senate ... they passed a $1.2-trillion infrastructure bill. To put that into perspective, if you took 1.2 trillion $1 bills and laid them end to end, they'd make better roads than what we're driving on right now ... which is why we need the bill.
This wasn't a 50/50 party-line split. The number of senators that voted for the [infrastructure] bill was 69. Yeah! Nice that bipartisanship is still possible.
Even the Senate minority leader, Mitch McConnell, voted in favor of the legislation. Well that makes sense, I mean trolls love bridges.
We need health care because there's a huge COVID surge out there and that's forcing many artists to cancel concerts. ... Perhaps the most upsetting casualty of the Delta variant is that Stevie Nicks has canceled her concerts for 2021, citing her fear of catching COVID. No, what?! Now you've done it, America! Thanks to the "Landslide" of cases, Stevie can only perform in our "Dreams." Please, "Don't Stop" getting vaccinated because I'm "Never Going Back Again" to the storage closet.
The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon
Guys, we are dealing with a heatwave right now ... right now across this country. Yeah, it's pretty gross in the city. It is so hot people actually welcome the drips from the air conditioner.
It was so hot today even anti-vaxxers got behind social distancing.
That's right, the whole country's in the midst of a brutal heatwave, and everyone's doing what they can to get through it. In fact, the National Weather Service just released a list of quick tips to help everyone beat the heat, and check these out: First up, they said go on Instagram, see who's on vacation, then use their pool.
The results of the 2020 census just came out, and for the first time in American history, the number of white people went down ... which probably explains the decline in wedding DJs playing "Total Eclipse of the Heart."
I saw that next week Dunkin' Donuts is bringing back its pumpkin spice products. ... Even the guy putting out Halloween candy at CVS was like, "Uh, it feels kind of early."
A surgeon in Cincinnati operated on a torn ligament in his own hand. Sadly, the operation didn't go as planned and now he's suing himself for everything he has.
Jimmy Kimmel Live! With Sarah Silverman
You know, here in L.A. they may start making people show proof they've been vaxxed to enter public indoor spaces. ... If getting vaccinated lets me go to a bar or a gym in L.A., that is a small price to pay to hang out with some of the worst people alive.
Making people get vaccinated is obviously a really touchy subject. So, I think there should be specific bars that we let the unvaccinated keep, you know, like Dave & Buster's or, like, Cabo Wabo.
It's weird that L.A. is leading the charge on rationality. I mean, this is a city where 11% of the residents are life coaches. I'm not saying life coaches are crazy, I'm just saying crazy people are life coaches. It's a slippery slope.
The big story making the rounds is that the Pope did something very unusual for a pope. Pope Francis interrupted his weekly audience at the Vatican to take a call on a cellphone. Who was he talking to? Oh my God, do you think he was talking to Jesus?
Alright, so football season is a few weeks away ... but this year they are trying to get rid of all the trash talk. [The NFL is] going to "strictly enforce" the league's taunting rules. They want everyone on the field to respect each other. And that is just such a weird message to send to players: "give that guy a concussion — but do it with a smile. Be nice about it."
