Late Laughs for the week of September 4 - 10

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden spoke on Monday [Aug. 1] from his coronavirus quarantine to announce that the U.S. had killed al-Qaida leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, which kind of sets unreasonable expectations about how much work we're supposed to get done while having COVID.


First lady Dr. Jill Biden said in a new interview that she has dinner with President Biden most nights and they turn off the television to spend time together. Also, nothing good is on at 4 p.m.


House Speaker Nancy Pelosi departed Taiwan today [Aug. 3] without incident after weeks of tension with China over the visit. I mean, that's playing with fire: an 82-year-old getting on a plane right now?


According to the latest numbers, after Taco Bell brought back the Mexican Pizza to its menu in May, demand was seven times higher than when the item was previously available. Also seven times higher? The people ordering them.


New York's MTA announced plans last week to provide cellphone service while traveling between stations. No word on whether they also plan to offer train service.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

We now know that an inside informer told the FBI what documents the former president was hiding and where. ... We've also learned that the raid was deliberately timed to occur when [Trump] was away. So, they had to either wait until he was out of town or for the return of the McRib.


[Trump's] received a subpoena this spring for the documents, but he didn't hand them all over. So, months later, the Justice Department had to act because the documents were so sensitive in nature and related to national security. Sounds like he's got some high-level stuff in his basement. It could be anything: missile locations, lists of CIA sources, the alien technology that keeps Paul Rudd from aging!


As Jon [Stewart]'s friend, I know how uncomfortable he is getting praised. But also, as Jon's friend, I truly enjoy how uncomfortable he is getting praised. ... Now, if Jon were here [to discuss his honor from the president regarding veterans], he'd say that this isn't about him, that the real heroes are the men and women who've served their country and he is absolutely right. But also, he's not here, so: Congratulations, Jon!


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I'm starting to think Trump's not really a billionaire, because if he were, he'd have blasted off to space by now, don't you think?


News of the FBI search [at Mar-a-Lago] not only set off a political fire storm but also enraged Trump's base. Although, to put it in context, the green M&M not being sexy enough anymore also enraged his base.


Ferrari is recalling nearly every car it has sold since 2005 over possible brake failure. ... Thousands of men were like, "Phew, that was close. My mid-life crisis was almost an end-of-life crisis."


Get this: After seven years, Domino's Pizza has permanently closed all of its locations in Italy. Seriously, I'd expect a Domino's in Italy to be out of business in 30 minutes or less!


I read that the White House has sanctioned a woman who is believed to be Vladimir Putin's girlfriend. It's weird when your girlfriend breaks up with you and says, "It's not you, it's the international sanctions."


Tinder just announced that their CEO is stepping down. She's been there less than a year but, ironically, is still the longest lasting relationship on Tinder.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! with David Alan Grier

[Donald] Trump sat for a deposition with the New York State attorney general today and repeatedly pled the Fifth (Amendment) for over four hours. ... At this point, the hardest thing is figuring out which crime Trump is being investigated for. ... Is this the tax fraud thing, or the insurrection thing, or the voter fraud thing, or the paying off the porn star thing, or the Capitol Police thing, or one of the other two Capitol Police things, or the mishandling of classified document things, or the thing where you used the Oval office to sell beans? Where is the House Committee on that one?


In other mating news, they've got a freaky problem down there in Florida right now. ... Folks have been messing with the manatees down in Florida while they're having group sex. So much so that the Sarasota Police Department had to tweet this warning: "If you see a manatee mating herd, observe respectfully from a distance. Do not touch." And I get that. I hate when I'm having sex in public and people try to touch me.


Now have you guys heard about the controversy over at the Sesame Street theme park in Philly? Well, they got in trouble because some of their costumed characters were accused of ignoring Black kids in the park. ... The theme park is being sued for $25 million by the kids' parents. Their lawyer said the lawsuit was brought to them by the letters F and U.