Late Laughs for the week of September 29 - October 5, 2019

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Jimmy Kimmel Live

President Trump is finally getting the money for that wall of his. Let me tell you something about that wall. That wall is like Donald Trump's sex life: he talks a big game, but in the end he will not be able to get it up.


Not only do we have fake news, we now have fake weather, too. I'm hoping we get fake sports, because I want to see the Mets win the World Series.


The only American who's really using his vacation is Donald Trump. The first item on Trump's schedule today -- and this is true -- was at 11:45 a.m.. People who work at marijuana dispensaries get to work earlier than that. It's a little bit weird when Guillermo is actually working harder than the president of the United States.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today, millions of students across the country went back to school. Kids told their parents, "I'll miss you so much!" and their parents were like, "And I'll see you after school."


New York City public schools are trying to be healthier this year, so they're no longer serving salami or bologna sandwiches. Instead, they're going with organic free-range pigeon.


You guys enjoy Labor Day weekend? Don't worry. While everyone was relaxing, the president was hard at work -- and by hard at work I mean he sent over 120 tweets this weekend.


Tomorrow is the official start of the NFL 2019 season. That's right, for the next six months, 31 teams will battle for a chance to lose to the Patriots.


Earlier tonight, the NFL season kicked off. Everybody was excited. Now we get to watch football and, more importantly, we get to drink in the middle of the week!


Seriously, I am so pumped that football is back. For once it'll be nice to see someone fumble that isn't Joe Biden.


The third democratic presidential debate is in less than a week. This debate will be on ABC, which is nice because the winners will get a boost in the polls and the losers will get a spot on "Dancing with the Stars."


Yellowstone's Steamboat geyser had a record number of premature eruptions this year. Today, park rangers walked up to it and said, "Don't worry, this happens to lots of geysers."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

President Trump didn't just have wrong ideas about the hurricane, he also had some wrong ideas about what to do about hurricanes. During one White House briefing about the ongoing threat of hurricanes, Trump said, "I got it. I got it. Why don't we nuke them?" So, the most powerful man in the world wants to nuke the wind.


[Boris] Johnson is kicking all 21 of the Conservatives who voted against him out of the Conservative Party, including Nicholas Soames, who is the grandson of Winston Churchill. That's like the Vatican kicking out Jesus' cousin, Steve of Nazareth.


Trump wants to nuke hurricanes, which is obviously crazy. And Marianne Williamson knows the only true defense against a hurricane is a giant coastal dreamcatcher.


Last night, CNN hosted a series of town halls on climate change, and they hyped it like it was the end of the world -- which it is. Never a comforting sign when the leaders who believe in climate change look like they are fleeing the planet.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

President Trump once tore off the cover of a magazine that called Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau the anti-Trump. He then mailed this torn-off article to Trudeau, but not before writing on it, "Looking good! Hope it's not true!" Trump communicates with world leaders the way a kid in junior high sends notes to their crush.


According to a new study, one in five young people say that they have regretted a social media post they made when they were high. Meanwhile, the other four regretted posts made when they were drunk, sad, lonely and horny.


Some companies in the U.K. are now taking drastic steps to prepare for the uncertainty of next month's Brexit deadline, and, in fact, Domino's Pizza has stocked up on $8 million worth of toppings. Domino's is stockpiling pizza toppings for Brexit. I hate to say "I told you so," but who's laughing at my pepperoni bunker now?


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new study, nearly half of Americans have worn the same pair of underwear at least two days in a row. That's right: nearly half of Americans are men.


President Trump faced international criticism this weekend after he was seen playing golf instead of staying in the office to monitor the progress of hurricane Dorian. Though honestly, would that be better? Making Trump monitor the hurricane would be like making your four-year-old do the dishes. After about five minutes, you'd be like, "You know what, Tyler? Go out and play."


New York Mayor Bill de Blasio said in a new interview that if he cannot qualify for the October debates, it will be, quote, "really tough" to remain in the presidential race. Oh, no. You're not coming back to New York. You left us. You're like a dad who went to "get cigarettes," and then 20 years later tries to really come back with cigarettes.


Today was National Newspaper Carrier Day. I bought mine a card and threw it into the bushes in front of his house.


Iowa Rep. Steve King yesterday defended the conditions inside migrant detention centres, and said he is not worried about reports that people have resorted to drinking from toilets because he himself drank the toilet water, and said it was, quote, "Actually pretty good." Added King, "Definitely top five toilets I've ever drank from."


According to a new study, 32% of Americans would rather give up sex for an entire week than be in a customer service line. Said the other 68%, "YOU HAVE SEX EVERY WEEK?!"