Late Laughs for the week of September 26 - October 2

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

The European Union made a recommendation today to reinstate travel restrictions on American tourists. ... They're worried U.S. citizens could spread COVID — especially when they lean in really close and say extra loud, "Which way to the Eiffel Tower?!"


According to newly released emails, President Biden's dog, Major, was much more aggressive than the White House had previously acknowledged. At one point in the spring, Major had bit Secret Service members eight days in a row. ... The report said Major is "not always predictable," which is a weird thing to say about a dog who just bit someone eight days in a row.


SpaceX successfully delivered a shipment to the International Space Station today containing various items for experiments, including a robotic arm, avocados and ants. I don't know much about space, but the one thing I do know is you can never have too many ants.


A recent study found that one in five Americans want their child to be born under a certain astrological sign. Which, honestly, is such a Capricorn thing to do, isn't it?


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Health officials are blaming the spike [in the Gulf Coast's 'Redneck Riviera'] on the area's "unabated tourism" and "a disregard for basic health precautions." Coincidentally, that's also Florida's state motto.


Despite the COVID concerns [in Florida], mini-golf courses, bars, go-kart tracks and hotels were full, and one shopper after another walked through the mouth of a giant fake shark. If only there was some kind of metaphor for willingly strolling into the jaws of doom!


The Delta variant has caused a huge COVID spike. Not every region of the United States has been affected equally. Cases are going up gradually in the Northeast, Midwest and West, but the South: oh, she will rise again! The problem is, in the South, you guessed it, fewer people are vaccinated on average. You can read all about it in the classic southern novel "To Kill a Mockingbird by Giving It Advice From Facebook."


Rudy [Giuliani] is desperate for cash, so this week he did what all public servants do when they need a second career: he joined Cameo, the website where you can pay for a personal message from people like Lenny Dykstra, and the guy who played Hodor. ... How much does it cost to get America's mayor to wish you a happy quinceañera? $275! That is a really good deal! I mean, he's $25 cheaper than Snooki!


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today President Biden held a meeting with the CEOs of Amazon, Apple and Microsoft to discuss the growing threat of cyberattacks and data leaks. ... At 78, Biden might not seem like the right guy to handle this, but trust me: no one is better equipped at stopping leaks.


If doctors aren't busy enough, they're now dealing with the latest online trend: [the Milk Crate Challenge]. Half of Americans said, "Of course [it's dangerous]," while the other half said, "It's my choice and I want to do my own research." Seriously, imagine surviving a global pandemic and then your family finds out it's the Milk Crate Challenge [that] got you.


Today, OnlyFans decided to drop their plan to ban sexually explicit content. So, between this and the new Spider-Man trailer, what a week for teenage boys!


In the trailer [for "Spider-Man: No Way Home," (2021)], Spider-Man visits Doctor Strange and asks him to turn back time. Then, President Biden shows up and asks for the same thing.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! With RuPaul

There's one incident on a flight from New York to San Francisco which involved a passenger who was accused of snorting cocaine, which you know the crew had to "confiscate." Listen, I'm not suggesting anything here, but they did make it to San Francisco in 20 minutes.


Lil Nas X has been appointed as the first-ever "chief impact officer" of Taco Bell. ... And to celebrate his new partnership with Taco Bell, Lil Nas X has signed on to release a new product: Lil Nas ex-lax.


Starbucks's pumpkin spice latte is back. The mega-chain began offering their signature autumn drink yesterday, kicking off its 18th year. And in gayer news: Buy me some Crocs and Taylor Swift on vinyl because, baby, I ... loves me some Pumpkin Spice Latte! Yesss. I'm a diva diva pumpkin eater. Face it, pumpkin spice is here to stay: it's rich, it's naughty — just like the vocals of Ariana Grande. Oh, but make mine an Ariana Venti, baby ... I can take it.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

According to a new study, antibodies from llamas may prevent infections from coronavirus. And, of course, now you can't find any llamas at Costco.


President Biden today signed the Puppies Assisting Wounded Servicemembers for Veterans Therapy Act into law. Democrats are calling it "a vital service" and Republicans are calling it "tyranny."


Two members of Congress made an unauthorized trip to Afghanistan yesterday and stayed for less than 24 hours before leaving on a flight that was intended to be used to evacuate people from the country. In their defense, that's just how Priceline booked their trip to Cincinnati.


According to a new report, 2020 was Europe's hottest year on record. It was so hot, one guy in France almost took off his scarf.


The makers of Mountain Dew have announced they will release a limited edition Flamin' Hot Cheeto-flavored soda. And the FDA is already scrambling to approve a vaccine for it.