Late Laughs for the week of September 25 - October 1

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former vice-president Mike Pence is expected to hold a fundraiser later this month [August] in the Hamptons. So, if you think you bumped into Mike Pence in the Hamptons this month, that's just what every man in the Hamptons looks like.


The CDC this week [Aug. 4] is reportedly expected to ease its coronavirus guidance recommendations. Though I don't know how it could be any more eased. Nobody's wearing masks. The restaurants are full. Do they want us to kiss the waiter before we order?


The discount department store corporation that operates T.J. Maxx, Marshall's and HomeGoods recently agreed to a $13-million fine for selling recalled infant sleeper products. OK, I knew this [electrified crib] felt unsafe.


Tomorrow [Aug. 5] is National Underwear Day. Already? Man, it really creeps up on you.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

You've got to hand it to [Donald] Trump, though. He has endless scandals for six years and he always manages to keep them feeling fresh and new. Yeah, the action never stops. It's like if Discovery ran "Shark Week" 24 hours a day, 365 days a year.


Over the weekend [Aug. 8], we found out that the FBI seized 11 sets of classified documents from Trump's home, including four sets marked 'top secret.' ... You know Trump just kept those hoping to come across KFC's secret blend of 11 herbs and spices.


Just a thought, but if the government doesn't want people reading [top secret] files, maybe they shouldn't label them 'top secret.' It's like a guy labelling a porn folder on his computer 'best porn.' It's like, just call it 'banana bread recipe.'


This is big: The CDC has ended most of its restrictions for quarantining and contact tracing. Now they're replacing them with some new COVID guidelines. First of all, all hand sanitizer is now illegal. Next, if you have to sneeze, make sure it's into a stranger's open mouth. Next up, you can lick anything now! Go ahead, lick the floor!


Snoop Dogg just launched his very first breakfast cereal, called 'Snoop Loopz.' ... But he's not the only rapper launching his own breakfast cereal. ... There's also 'Sa-Wheaties,' next there's '2 Charmz' and finally, of course, 'Drake-Nuts.'


Jimmy Kimmel Live! With Simu Liu

Now this is a historic night for the show, because I am the first Jimmy Kimmel guest host who actually has never met Jimmy Kimmel. That's not a joke. This is actually my third time on the show and I never met the guy! ... But this is not unfamiliar territory for people like me. It's just another story of an immigrant doing the job of a white guy and getting paid 900% less.


Here in Southern California we're in the middle of a massive drought, and local officials have been sending letters to residents who are using too much water, including some very notable names. ... The Kardashians, Dwayne Wade, Sylvester Stallone and Kevin Hart are among the 2,000-plus customers warned for excessive water usage. Now, before you grab all your pitchforks, just have a little compassion for these poor celebrities, all right? Do you guys even know how much water it takes to wash a private jet?


Donald Trump is getting his portrait put up in the Smithsonian, and Trump's political action committee has paid $650,000 to commission paintings of the former first couple, which is a lot of money. I mean, for $650,000 Joe Biden could forgive 32 student loans and Donald Trump could buy the silence of three porn stars.


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

Earlier tonight [Sept. 2] President Biden delivered a prime-time speech outside Independence Hall in Philadelphia. ... The purpose of the speech was to talk about the "Soul of the nation." ..."The Soul of the Nation." It sounds like the title of every book for sale at an airport newsstand.


In other political news, former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin lost her special election in Alaska, and the Democrats flipped the once solid Republican seat in the House of Representatives. ... Luckily for Palin, this loss isn't even close to being the most embarrassing thing she's done. That [goes] to the time she rapped "Baby Got Back" on "The Masked Singer."


It's been announced that President Biden will host the Obamas next week to unveil their official White House portraits. This comes years after Trump snubbed them by not upholding the presidential tradition of doing this for your predecessor. In Trump's defense, I'm sure it was just busy hand-picking which top secret documents he could steal that day.


The Obamas are coming back to the White House next week and then I don't know, maybe just let the Obamas hang out for a little while.


Retailers in Australia are having a hard time filling jobs right now, so they're asking the government to lower the legal working age to 13. It'd be weird trying to buy a beer in Australia, and they're like, "I'm gonna need to see your ID," and you're like, "Yeah, I'm gonna need to see yours first."


[The Australian government is] hoping kids will be able to fill worker shortages for traditional Australian jobs like dingo wrangler, crocodile hunter or Hemsworth brother.