Late Laughs for the week of September 19 - 25, 2021

« Back to Talk


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Earlier this week in a company memo, the CEO of Delta Airlines refused to use the term "Delta variant" and only referred to the virus by its scientific name. I guess that explains why pilots have been saying "Welcome aboard. Thank you for flying B16172 Airlines."


Netflix just released a documentary about legendary painter Bob Ross that claims to show the dark side of his life and legacy. It's called "Bob Ross: Happy Accidents, Betrayal & Greed." ... What's next, "Betty White: Secret Serial Killer"?


Today the FDA granted full approval to Pfizer's COVID vaccine. It's about time! Their statement started with, "Hey, sorry, I just saw this." Yeah, it was approved by the real FDA, the Food and Drug Administration, which is not to be confused with the fake FDA, the Facebook Doctors Association.


[The FDA] recently had to tell people not to treat COVID with a drug that's given to animals with worms. This is real. They tweeted: "You are not a horse. You are not a cow. Seriously, y'all. Stop it." Meanwhile, the people taking it are like, "Laugh all you want, but I don't have COVID and the worms are almost gone."


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The White House tried to get ahead of the bad press [regarding the withdrawal from Afghanistan] by releasing [a] photo of Biden in a virtual meeting with top security officials, but all people could talk about was the fact that the clock showed the wrong times for London and Moscow, sparking conspiracy theories that the pic was staged. ... If it was staged, would they have put him completely alone at a conference table? Apparently, there's also been a rapid withdrawal from Joe Biden! He looks like the only grandpa in the day room watching "Jeopardy!"


As recently as last month, an overwhelming majority of Americans — 70% or more — supported Biden's withdrawal. ... Do you know how few things 70% of Americans agree on? I think it's this, and extra cheese; which also often ends badly and faster than you'd planned.


In Norway, a man was sentenced for smuggling 80 pounds of speed disguised as COVID vaccines. OK, there's an easy way to tell the difference. If you got the real vaccine, side effects include fever and fatigue. If you got the Norwegian shot, side effects include not blinking, grinding your teeth down to nubs and staying up all 72 hours to record a heavy metal concept album about elves.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Earlier today the FDA granted full approval to the Pfizer vaccine. It's the first coronavirus vaccine to be fully approved — exactly what paranoid anti-vaxxers have been waiting for: a stamp of approval by the federal government. That'll do it!


For the record, I am against [California Gov. Gavin] Newsom being recalled, I am, but I've got to say there is a tiny part of me that enjoys watching someone that handsome sweat about losing their job.


Due to a lull in the sporting schedule on Saturday, ESPN broadcast a rerun of a race from earlier this summer. And it wasn't track and field, it wasn't horses, it was corgis having a race. I love the picture of the queen standing at the fence, you know what I mean, with a fistful of cash, going, "Come on! Mama needs a new peacoat!"


President Biden's approval ratings continue to crash. It's now dropped to an all-time low of 41%. Now, let's not be too harsh. Remember, Biden's only been in politics for 300 years. The president says he's not worried about polling numbers; he's just going to stay focused on the job at hand and keep making historically bad decisions.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! With RuPaul

You know how Jeff Bezos went up to space last month with his cute little cowboy hat? Well, they are now selling mini replicas of his rocket. Yes, there it is ... are we allowed to show that on TV? You know, it measures 10 inches from the base to the tip. Yeah, I’ve heard that before!


Child, up on these planes, you know, there’s so many reports of unruly passengers taking off their masks and getting into fights. You’ve heard about this, right? ... In fact, the FAA had to put out an official PSA with this warning: "Unruly behavior doesn’t fly." I just feel like it needed to be a little more direct — something like, you know, "Be cool or we will kick you in your cockpit."


The newest climate change report predicts that total global warming will rise 1.5 degrees Celsius in the next two decades. And in gayer news: Start clacking that fan now, baby honey, 'cause it's getting hot up in here! I’m talking Michael B. Jordan-jet-skiing-through-Ibiza hot. Oh yes, honey. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and Mama Earth is [mad] y'all! Global warming is coming, baby, so slap on that floppy hat and get Greta, that little climate change girl, to rub some Coppertone on those cankles, child.


"Jeopardy!" Is still seeking a new host after producer Mike Richards stepped away from the job last week. Sources say the show is looking for someone with poise, authority and intelligence. And in gayer news: I’m right here, b----!


Late Night with Seth Meyers

The Pentagon announced yesterday that it has asked U.S. airlines to help with Afghanistan evacuation efforts. OK, but remember: they can barely evacuate people from LaGuardia.


Today was the last day of New York Gov. Andrew Cuomo's administration. Well, I'd say "keep in touch," but that's kind of what got you in trouble in the first place.


Former president Trump on Saturday criticized President Biden's handling of the situation in Afghanistan and said, "Vietnam looks like a Masterclass in strategy compared to Joe Biden's catastrophe." But take that with a grain of salt because Trump never went to Vietnam — or class.


Harvard Law School this week unveiled a new redesigned logo: it's a mom telling her friends her son goes there.