Late Laughs for the week of September 12 - 18, 2021

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

[The audience] want[s] to hear me talk about the big story everyone is talking about right now; it continues to be the chaos surrounding the big, poorly handled regime change — over at "Jeopardy!"


During their search, ["Jeopardy!"] tried everyone from friend-of-the-show Anderson Cooper to friend-of-the-show LeVar Burton to friend-of-the-show Katie Couric to Dr. Oz. Which is why people were a bit surprised when, in the end, as their permanent week-night host, the executive producers of "Jeopardy!" selected executive producer Mike Richards. Wow! What are the odds? About the same as me being named Stephen Colbert Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive.


The withdrawal [from Afghanistan] did not go quite as well as Joe Biden had hoped, and, unfortunately for him, there we TV cameras there — he really should have evacuated those first.


Today three senators announced within hours of each other that they had tested positive for the coronavirus. Oh no! I hope the United States Senate is not famously full of the oldest people on the planet!


Today we learned those anti-COVID plastic barriers probably don't help and may make things worse. Wait a second: Have they ever worked? Because for decades that has also been our lone salad bar protection technology.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. is in the middle of a withdrawal from [Afghanistan], and yesterday the Afghan government fell to the Taliban. That's right: last year Trump made a peace deal with the Taliban to end the war, and now, after Biden's withdrawal, they're back in power. On the bright side, it's nice to have a bipartisan screw up.


Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer is calling for a federal crackdown on fake vaccination cards, which are apparently being sold all over the internet. Personally, I'm shocked! You're telling me people figured out how to photocopy index cards? Maybe for starters we make them a little more advanced than a punch card at Quiznos.


Walmart is looking to hire a cryptocurrency expert to oversee the company's digital currency push. At first, digital currency was used to purchase art; soon it will be used to buy volleyball nets and Slim Jims. Seriously, I'd love to meet the guy at Walmart who buys a pair of jorts with bitcoin.


As people continue to work from home, Facebook announced a new way to have virtual meetings ... a virtual reality cartoon office [called Horizon Workrooms]. It's an amazing technology that will revolutionize the way people work naked from home, I swear. ... They look like emojis that sold out and went corporate.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! With Julie Bowen

You should've seen how crushed poor Guillermo was tonight when he heard that someone from "Modern Family" was hosting and that someone was not Sofia Vergara. Lo siento.


According to the new rules, this year’s Coachella-goers must be fully vaccinated. Now, some people will complain about this, but honestly, how ... can you be pro-Coachella and anti-vax? "You know, I don’t really trust the government, but yesterday I licked a toad and [had sex with] some rando in a Port-A-Potty."


Maybe you saw this on CNN or wherever, but I was hiking in Arches National Park in Utah with my sister and my kids and we found a woman who had fainted. Now, my sister is a doctor .... so she goes all Meredith Grey right away and starts applying pressure and doing, like, doctor stuff — and I brought all my professional expertise to the table by yelling things I'd heard on episodes of "ER."


[The injured hiker] started looking at me weird, and she said, "Why do I know you? Are you an actress?" And I was so embarrassed by how useless I had been, I said, "Yes. I am. I'm Elizabeth Banks." Let her take the heat.


Whenever we travel, [my son] says to me, "Mom, are you checking a bag?" ... And the reason he asks is cause he wants to bring along his knives. He wants to bring his knives everywhere, and you can’t take those on the plane, so he wants me to check a bag. The kid is obsessed with knives; he wears them on his belt everywhere. He’s like an emo Crocodile Dundee.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Former president Trump appeared last night on Sean Hannity's show. ... At this point, it's as newsworthy as "Sean Hannity appeared on 'Sean Hannity.'" I'm surprised he's not organizing the office softball league.


United Airlines reportedly sent a memo to flight attendants that asked them to avoid using duct tape as a measure to restrain unruly passengers. And so did Spirit Airlines, saying, "Stop wasting it, we need it to fix the wings!"


President Biden spoke yesterday from the East Room of the White House and said the situation in Afghanistan was "rapidly evolving." No kidding! Did you see what the Taliban did in a weekend?! Part of me's like, "Put them in charge of the infrastructure bill."


A fan rushed the field at the Mets/Giants game last night and stood on the pitcher's mound. Thankfully he was only able to strike out a few Mets before he was apprehended.


Former president George W. Bush released a statement yesterday about the situation in Afghanistan — which is more than he did in office.