Late Laughs for the week of October 31 - November 6, 2021

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Thirty-five Republicans in the Senate voted against the extension, and they didn’t raise the debt ceiling, which means we are still facing what the chief economist at Moody's Analytics calls "financial Armageddon" — which is a very bad kind of Armageddon. It's one of the worst kinds of Armageddon. Even Bruce Willis is powerless against Financial Armageddon.


The CDC yesterday issued an "urgent health advisory" for pregnant women. They are strongly recommending that those with child get the COVID vaccine. They say they should only take the drug Ivermectin if their baby is a horse, a pony or a unicorn at the very least.


[The CDC is] still recommending that you hold gatherings outside if you can — which will be great on Christmas — but if you must have a gathering indoors, they say open a window and use a fan to keep the air flowing. ... I guess it is a good sign we went from the CDC telling us "by no means should you travel on the holidays" to "turn on a fan, it'll be alright."


A lot of people are wondering why COVID numbers are so low here, and experts believe it's because we haven't had a Kid Rock concert here in California since August of 2018.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This week, Idaho's governor left the state, so his lieutenant governor took power and banned state vaccine mandates. Idaho, that's not how a lieutenant governor is supposed to take over! New Yorkers know you're supposed to wait patiently until your boss is accused of decades of sexual harassment, blames it on being Italian and then resigns just in time to run again anyway.


[New York City Mayor Bill] de Blasio is reportedly possibly running for New York governor, but there's still a lot of unknowns: what his platform is, what his announcement date is and what he's smoking.


[Mark Zuckerberg] actually posted a statement defending Facebook against charges that their algorithm encourages conflict, explaining, "I don't know any tech company that sets out to build products that make people angry." Really? I do. It's called Why is the video embedded in the article not about the article?!


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today, Facebook and Instagram were hit by a massive outage and stopped working for millions of users. ... Facebook was only down for a day, and in that short time, everyone got the vaccine. Isn't that amazing?


It was announced that next week, 90-year-old legendary actor William Shatner, also known as Capt. Kirk, will travel to space aboard Jeff Bezos' Blue Origin rocket. You can tell Elon Musk is jealous of Bezos' idea because he just yelled, "Get me Betty White on Line 2! Rose, you're going to space."


The U.S. is less than two weeks away from hitting the debt ceiling, and without a solution from Congress, Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen could bail out the country by minting a platinum coin worth a trillion dollars. Bitcoin heard and was like, "That sounds even faker than us."


A recent study found that after getting the Pfizer vaccine, women are protected longer than men. The Pfizer vaccine is very helpful to women, so it's about a week before it gets banned in Texas.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

A spacecraft carrying a Russian actress and a cameraman, hoping to film the first-ever movie shot in space, successfully docked with the International Space Station. Well, Russia may be the first country to shoot a movie in space, but the United States was the first country to shoot a movie with a baby for a boss, so ...


If the Senate wants us to take them more seriously, they really have to stop describing their time off as "recess."


The New York Public Library, the largest library system in the country, just announced that they're ending late fees forever. Yeah, because that's why people aren't reading anymore. It's not Netflix, or the internet or attention spans; they just don't want to get hit with the late fees.


In a new interview, Sir Paul McCartney says he grows cannabis on his farm in England, but he has to hide the plants so that local teens don't steal them. Look, they're just teenagers, Paul. "Let It Be."


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer spoke yesterday on the Senate floor and said that the U.S. is getting "dangerously close" to hitting the debt ceiling. Which is scary, because there has never been a group of people less likely to spontaneously raise the roof.


Singer Adele announced yesterday that she will release a new single called "Easy On Me" later this month. Incidentally, "a new single" is also who's going to listen to it the most.


Former White House press secretary Stephanie Grisham's book was released today. Find it in the "Complicit But Needs Money" section.


According to a recent survey, 10% of Americans said that they feel very pessimistic about the rest of 2021, while the other 90%t said, "It's 2021?!"


According to a new survey, nearly 60% of millennials will attend a "Friendsgiving" celebration this year. Also "Friendsmas," "Friendependence Day" and whatever else keeps them from their weird anti-vax relatives.