Jimmy Kimmel Live!

What a weird summer: Britney [Spears] is free and every woman in the state of Texas isn't.

The hardest part of being at home while the show was still going on was watching Guillermo cheat on me with all the other hosts. ... I think I know what it feels like to be on "The Bachelor" watching your fiancé in the fantasy suite with all the other [women].

The poison control centers have seen a spike in calls from people taking livestock medicine to fight the coronavirus but they won't take the vaccine, which is crazy. It's like if you're a vegan and you're like, "No, I don't want a hamburger. Give me that can of Alpo instead."

Jeff Bezos has reportedly invested in a company that intends to reverse the human aging process. Altos Labs has been luring top professors away from major universities and paying them a lot of money to make sure Jeff Bezos stays in his Amazon Prime forever. This is a Lex Luthor move, right? I mean, if Lex Luthor sold toothpaste and Huggies, that would be him.

Lori Loughlin's daughter, Olivia Jade, who is famous largely because her mother went to jail trying to get her into college, is now [on Dancing With the Stars]. It's an exciting time for Olivia Jade; the last time she scored a 10 was on the SATs.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There's a new variant in town and it's called Mu, named after the 12th letter of the Greek alphabet and not, as I thought, for the Pokémon Mew. Either way, got to get vaccinated or you'll catch 'em all!

Thanks to man-made global warming, we've seen massive hurricanes, raging floods and out-of-control forest fires; and that's just this week! We're all tenants of planet Earth — and we are definitely not getting our security deposit back. ... A new report has found that animals are "shapeshifting" in response to the climate crisis. Same here. These aren't love handles. Before the sea levels rise, I'm growing my own water wings.

The U.K. is still suffering plenty of complications from Brexit. It's harder to import stuff from Europe for them now, so they're buying stuff from us instead, and now Italy has warned the U.K. "America is feeding you counterfeit pasta," complaining that the U.S. firms use "fancy labeling and Italian colors to try to pass ... for authentic Italian products." Hey! Pump the pomodoro paisano! ... Next, you're going to tell me that John isn't my real Papa!

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Tomorrow President Biden is giving a major speech on the next phase of his pandemic response. Americans said they can't wait to hear the speech, and then crowded into a bar for tomorrow's NFL kickoff.

After taking a year off because of the pandemic, Macy's has announced that the public will once again be able to attend the Thanksgiving Day Parade in New York City. That's right, people will quickly realize that standing for three hours in the freezing cold with their kids isn't the "back to normal" they'd been missing. It should be pretty safe — I mean, not even COVID wants to be near 700 volunteer clowns.

Next year Whole Foods will open two stores without cashiers. That story again: starting next year, groceries will be free at two Whole Foods locations.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

After discovering a new group of super-hot Earth-like planets, researchers say they are now confident about finding life outside of our solar system within just a few years. How exciting is that? Humans may have found their next planet to completely ruin.

According to a new study, monkeys choke under pressure just like humans do. If there's a lot at stake while performing a task, they will sense it and get nervous the same way that humans do. It's why Marcel only lasted one season on "Friends." True, the fame, the contract negotiations, the expectation — it's too much for a monkey!

China recently announced that they're going to develop a new "ultra-large" spacecraft that could be as much as several miles wide. ... I just want to take a second to say — because I know he's watching — Jeff Bezos, there's no need to be insecure about your rocket. It looks like a perfectly average-sized rocket.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

A zoo in Belgium recently banned a woman because she is having a self-described "affair" with a chimpanzee, which is negatively affecting his relationship with other apes — and, just a guess, hers with other humans.

President Biden traveled to New Jersey and New York today to survey storm damage from the remnants of hurricane Ida. Then he's gonna head to Texas to look into that abortion law, maybe drop by Florida to get some folks to wear masks, if there's time, head to California [to] help with that recall mess and then finish up the week in Maine to kill those lobster zombies. Oh, did you not hear? Yeah, every state has something bad.

According to a new report, former first lady Melania Trump has only been seen publicly once this summer. "Also privately," said her husband.

Billionaire Mark Cuban recently became an investor in a startup company that is creating artificial intelligence versions of NFTs that have the ability to converse with people, raising the obvious question: "What?"

White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said in a briefing yesterday that there are about 100 American citizens still in Afghanistan. Though Psaki stressed they are doing everything in their power to move on to the next question.