Jimmy Kimmel Live

If Trump had been putting all his calls in this special classified server or system or whatever, that would be one thing. But he only put a few in, so you know those were the bad ones. It's like putting magazines under your mattress. There are no Popular Mechanics under there!

A new book cites multiple sources in the administration who say Trump wanted a moat. He wanted snakes, he wanted alligators, he wanted an electrified wall with spikes on top to keep immigrants out. Not only did Trump tweet a denial, he yelled at a reporter who asked him about it. It was a lie! He didn't want alligators, he wanted dragons!

Trump's latest outlandish claim is that China gave Hunter Biden -- Joe Biden's son -- $1.5 billion. Again with the son. Donald Trump has paid more attention to Joe Biden's son this week than he has to Donald Jr. and Eric their whole lives.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

In the next few days, top White House aides are going to present Trump with an impeachment response strategy. Just in time! That's like the captain of the Titanic being like, "Ah we should have taken a left, I'm sorry. Is it too late?"

It's officially October, and stores are already putting up their Halloween decorations. Unfortunately, those aren't fake cobwebs at Forever 21.

They're even putting up Halloween decorations at the White House. Just to frighten President Trump, instead of a scarecrow they're using a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi.

Beto O'Rourke posted an Instagram video of himself getting a flu shot. It's the first time since the campaign started that we can honestly say Beto's got a shot.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Bill Barr is traveling the world trying to prove that all of Trump's conspiracy theories are true. He's going to find Obama's birth certificate! He's going to find all the people that aliens abducted from Trump's inauguration crowd! And finally, he'll bring help to hurricane-ravaged Alabama!

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The way to look at it is like this: the Democrats are Oprah, and subpoenas are free cars. "You get a subpoena! You get a subpoena! You get a subpoena!"

According to a new study, living close to the water is good for your mental health. Those who live less than a mile away from the ocean are less likely to have depression or anxiety -- yeah, because you're rich!

Researchers are saying that people who live close to water have lower levels of anxiety … unless, of course, that water is a trench filled with snakes or alligators.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

House Democrats this afternoon subpoenaed Rudy Giuliani for documents related to his communications with Ukraine. Said Rudy, "Sure, anything to help!" I'm kidding. He turned into a bat and flew into a window.

President Trump today continued to defend his controversial phone call with the president of Ukraine, tweeting that it, quote, "could not have been nicer, warmer, or better." Hey man, you're not getting impeached over bad phone manners. You solicited a bribe. If a bank robber says, "Put the money in the bag, please and thank you," he still goes to jail.

In an interview released today, Mayor Pete Buttigieg said the superhero he most identifies with is Spider-man because he is, quote, "kind of a nerdy guy who finds himself in a position of power." And Joe Biden said he most identifies with Aquaman, because he's been treading water for months.

According to the Washington Post, President Trump has privately suggested that U.S. forces form a human wall to prevent people from crossing the border. I don't want to say the president is a child, but his immigration policy is literally "Red rover, red rover, send nobody over."

Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che

The New York Metropolitan Opera announced that singer Placido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far less sexually aggressive understudy: Flaccido Domingo.

A Little Late With Lilly Singh

Victoria's Secret, the clothing company that created the most iconic intimate apparel for women, is owned by a company named L Brands, and the CEO of L Brands is someone named Leslie Wexner. When I first heard this, I was like, "This is great! You go Leslie!" And then I did some Googling, and it turns out Victoria's secret is that she's an old white guy.

Music videos used to be amazing because they'd tell a story, but these days I feel like the only story they tell in rap videos is, "My dad didn't love me enough."

I'm trying my best to limit my time on social media. It's because I recently read a study that said too much social media can impact your posture. It can make you look up to an inch or two shorter -- seems completely counterintuitive to how most men use their phones.