Late Laughs for the week of October 24 - 30, 2021

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The Late Late Show With James Corden

The Vatican has now ordered all employees to get the vaccine or submit to testing. Any employee who refuses to comply by Oct. 1 will no longer get paid. Some employees are furious with Pope Francis; they're like, "Who does he think he is, acting all holier-than-thou?"


Northern Ireland is currently facing — and I'm not making this up — a shortage of clowns. Apparently, the pandemic caused too many circus performers in Northern Ireland to return to their home countries. I mean, if it's clowns they're looking for, they should check Congress.


The New York Yankees season has apparently been saved by a turtle named Bronxie. ... After one of the players adopted a pet turtle, the Yankees have now won seven games in a row and have climbed back into playoff contention. ... Yeah, a pet turtle. They found the one thing slower than an actual baseball game.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

If [the debt ceiling] doesn't get resolved by Thursday night, the federal government will officially close as of 12:01 a.m. on Friday. Do you have any idea what that means? That means no security guards working outside the Smithsonian. It's time for the biggest heist in history: I'm stealing Lincoln's hat! Nicolas Cage, call me! Legend has it it's filled with caramel corn.


Supply chain problems are hitting kids in the lunchbox. Across the country, schools are facing shortages on cafeteria staples like chicken, meatballs, apple juice and even plastic cutlery. It's gotten so bad, cafeterias have been forced to serve Orderly Joes.


I understand that [Biden] was [getting his booster] on camera to encourage everybody to get the shot, and that's a good thing, but all I could see was what looked like incredibly fake windows behind the president. It's a fake room! Like when Captain America fell unconscious in the 1940s then woke up now — except Joe Biden wasn't preserved in ice in between.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. Post Office announced that its mail delivery is about to get slower and more expensive. It seems like the changes have already gone into effect because they mailed out that announcement two months ago.


There's a lot of drama in Washington, D.C., right now because if congress doesn't pass a funding bill by midnight on Thursday, the government will shut down. ... If there is a shutdown, that means TSA agents will probably have to work without pay. It'll be weird when the TSA agent is patting you down, like, "I'm not in it for the money."


I saw that tomorrow Congress is drafting a bill to legalize marijuana. That's how bad the country needs money right now. We're like, "Guess we've got to start selling drugs."


ABC has named Jesse Palmer as the new host of "The Bachelor." Today Jesse said, "I've dreamed about this job ever since I found out how much it paid."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[Unvaccinated NBA] teammates will have to remain six feet apart and be masked during meetings, and they'll be assigned a locker that is "as distant from other players as possible." That's quite a disincentive: "You selfishly didn't get vaccinated, now you have to get naked alone. OK?"


According to a new study, if we don't work to fight climate change, people under 40 will experience an "unprecedented life" of climate change disasters. They'll have twice as many wildfires in their lives, seven times as many heat waves [and] three times as many droughts. On the bright side, they won't have to save money for retirement.


[Former White House press secretary and author Stephanie] Grisham says that during the G20 Summit in 2019, Trump told Vladimir Putin before their meeting, "OK, I'm going to act a little tougher with you for a few minutes. But it's for the cameras, and after they leave we'll talk. You understand?" ... This is not something a president says to another world leader, especially Vladimir Putin. This is something Hulk Hogan would say to Andre the Giant before Wrestlemania.


Every year more companies get on the pumpkin spice train. There are now pumpkin spice Twinkies, there's pumpkin spice mac n' cheese, there's pumpkin spice Cup Noodles, even pumpkin spice dog treats. I don't think you need seasonal flavors to woo an animal that eats its own poop. I really don't.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

During his testimony, [Gen. Mark] Milley called the U.S. withdrawal from Afghanistan a quote "logistical success but a strategic failure." Sort of like when you buy your wife a table saw for Valentine's Day. Logistically, you did get a gift, but strategically, mistakes were made.


Nearly 12 years after the original series was canceled, producers have announced that the original "Law & Order" will return to NBC for its 21st season. Wow! So Trump said he was gonna bring back Law & Order but Biden actually did it.


While receiving his coronavirus vaccine booster shot yesterday, President Biden told reporters, "I know it doesn't look like it, but I am over 65." I don't know what's worse: how corny that joke is, or the fact that he's been using it for 13 years.


Producers of the Netflix series "Tiger King" announced last week that the show will return later this year for a second season. "Well, that can't be good," said Carol Baskin's current husband.


A former FDA commissioner said in an interview yesterday that the upcoming flu season will be a "whopper." Apparently, it's going to be so bad as much as 60% of the country will think it's real.