Late Laughs for the week of October 23-29

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene [is] getting divorced. She and her husband, Perry Greene, filed for divorce yesterday after 27 years. ... His original sentence was 30 years, but the judge shaved three years off for good behaviour. In the space where he had to state the reason for the divorce, he wrote "I am married to Marjorie Taylor Greene."


The richest man in America is now Elon Musk. According to the new Forbes 400 list, Elon Musk is worth around $251 billion. He beat out Jeff Bezos, who topped the list last year. Bezos ceded his spot at No. 1 in a show of solidarity with employees who aren't allowed to go No. 1 on the job.


Yesterday [Sept. 26], NASA went full "Armageddon" (1998) and successfully hit an asteroid with a spacecraft, in what is — they say — the world's first planetary defense mission. Which is exciting news for everyone other than the Space Force. They were like, "Can't you let us have anything?"


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

In the wake of the storm [Hurricane Ian], some Floridians are finding catfish in their front yards. And to make matters worse, they were nowhere near as hot as their profile picture.


[Pennsylvania Republican nominee Doug] Mastriano is struggling in the polls, in part, because ... he attended the Jan. 6 riot, has a "long-standing association with Christian nationalist ideas," proposed "to charge women who violated an abortion ban ... with murder," is connected "to a social media site run by a notorious anti-Semite" and was photographed wearing a Confederate uniform. Because, historically, nothing projects "winner" like a Confederate soldier in Pennsylvania.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Last night in Toronto, Yankees superstar Aaron Judge hit his 61st home run of the season, tying Roger Maris's American League record. ... Fans waited 61 years for this to happen. That's right, six decades of waiting for one exciting moment: that sums up baseball pretty well.


It was just revealed that during the FBI's search of Mar-a-Lago, they seized 200,000 pages of documents from the former president. ... If the FBI delayed their search another day, the TV show "Hoarders" would have beat them to it.


I read that the Nord Stream pipelines, which funnel gas from Russia to Europe, have started leaking due to underwater explosions and the U.S. and Europe think Russia is responsible. Yup, a leaky pipeline. Today President Biden was like, "Oh, I have a great urologist for that!"


Late Night With Seth Meyers

According to a new book, former president Trump would tell White House visitors that he had a secret bathroom. And visitors would tell him, "Sir, that's just a closet." 


Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday that he will support the bipartisan bill to reform the Electoral Count Act of 1887. I guess he still feels bad about voting no the first time.


After receiving criticism from viewers, Netflix removed the LGBTQ tag from its new series about serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. On the downside, they left the food and travel tag.


President Biden's plan to forgive $10,000 per borrower in Federal Student Loan debt will cost nearly $400 billion, or in student loan terms, $27 per month for 30 billion years.


According to new data, coronavirus cases are rising in the U.K. Maybe because last week the entire country attended the same event.


Republican Congressman Matt Gaetz announced last week that he is starting his own Twitch streaming channel and tweeted, "I'm joining Twitch to bring my America-first message to a new generation of voters." Previously, the only way he reached a new generation of voters was on Venmo.


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

Earlier today [Sept. 29], Vice President Kamala Harris visited the neutral demilitarized zone that separates North and South Korea. It's the first trip to the so-called DMZ by a senior Biden administration official. Yes, you heard me: we've got a VP in the DMZ. Just to rub it in her face, Kim Jeong-Un held a build-you-own sundae bar right on the other side of the DMZ.


Tomorrow [Sept. 30] Tesla is set to host their annual Artificial Intelligence Day. The event was pushed back a month, raising speculation that Elon Musk will introduce a working prototype of his Optimus robot. ... It's the first robot I've ever been able to relate to, because it looks like it's wearing head-to-toe Spanx.


Exciting news for any fans of the Apple TV series "Ted Lasso." The entire fictional team, AFC Richmond, will now be playable video game characters in FIFA 23, which comes out tomorrow [Sept. 30]. Finally, a video game where you can play a traumatized divorced guy with a moustache.


Today [Sept. 28] President Biden kicked off a two-day summit at the White House where he's hosting multiple leaders from Pacific Island nations. ... Biden wants to show that the United States remains committed to being an enduring player in the region, and also, Biden wants to know why so many tropical drinks have got little umbrellas. The drink's already wet, what are you protecting it from?


President Biden's approval rating is ticking upwards. According to the latest polls, 41% of Americans approve of Biden's job performance, up from the mid-30s in early June. ... Now, it mostly has to do with demographics: he's polling at 91% with ice cream men and train conductors. 


Spain has unveiled a new mascot for their public bus system. His name is Bussi. ... It looks like the mascot designer completely forgot they had an assignment due until the hour before. They're like, "... It's, uh, Bussi, and he looks like a map. On a clown. And a bowling pin."