Late Laughs for the week of October 2 - 8

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden on Thursday [Sept. 8] delivered a rare prime-time address from Philadelphia's Independence Hall and not, as I originally thought, the Upside Down. ... That [was] a wild lighting choice. I kept expecting him to be interrupted by Vecna.


Election Day is nine weeks away, and only time will tell if Republicans gain seats or if it was rigged.


Two Air France Pilots were suspended recently after a physical fight in the cockpit during a flight. The fight was reportedly so intense that one of them dropped his cigarette.


A large spill of Alfredo sauce recently shut down an interstate highway in Tennessee. Well, it wouldn't be the first time Alfredo sauce clogged a major artery.


Rapper Eminem won an Emmy Award over the weekend and now just needs a Tony Award to achieve so-called EGOT status, so look for him this fall in "Dear Evan Hansen."


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Joe Biden has been riding high. He passed a climate change bill, gas prices are dropping and this weekend he found a quarter behind his grandson's ear.


Right now, the former president [Donald Trump] is struggling mightily to find a good lawyer, because his current legal team consists of "a Florida insurance lawyer who's never had a federal case, a former host at far-right One America News and a past general counsel for a parking garage company." ... I don't ask for much, but please let this go to trial.


When [Donald Trump] does pay his lawyers, he has some fun with it, because we recently learned that the former president once tried to pay a lawyer with a horse. I don't know why we're surprised. After all, he did describe himself as a stable genius.


Hold onto your beakers, nerds, because there's some news from the world of science. Down in Antarctica, a "doomsday glacier" is disintegrating faster than previously thought. OK, that's terrifying. And I [have] got to say, it doesn't help that we're calling in the "doomsday glacier." Can't we pick something happier? Like the "free guac glacier" or the "have you lost weight iceberg?"


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Biden wasn't pulling any punches yesterday [Sept. 5]. He also went after far-right Republicans and referred to them as "Trumpies." Trumpies sounds like a breakfast cereal that's all marshmallows.


After two failed attempts to launch their new moon rocket, NASA has postponed the mission until at least next month. Even more annoying, they still texted the moon, "there in 15."


A British reboot of the reality show "Survivor" is coming to the BBC. It's going to be even harder than the American version: the contestants will be stranded on an island with nothing but unlimited British food.


I read that an E. coli outbreak linked to the lettuce at Wendy's has now spread to six different states and sickened 97 people. Meanwhile, Chipotle heard that and was like "97? Please, we do that in a day."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I've been trying to understand how [Donald Trump] could possibly believe he had the right to take all those documents to his house. It's weird that a person who barely reads would even want documents. It's like finding out your dog collects stamps.


Trump keeps claiming he declassified the documents, which, first of all, no he didn't. But second of all, even if he had, which he didn't, that's even more crazy. That's like finding your wife in bed with another guy and she's like, "It's OK! I took my ring off first."


Trump's pal Putin has issued a new travel ban: 25 Americans are banned for life, including the secretary of commerce, six U.S. senators and Ben Stiller and Sean Penn. ... Funny, every Russian we sanction is some sweaty, evil oligarch who dumps poison in the ocean or something. Russia turns around and bans Zoolander.


Prince Charles is now King Charles. The new king gave his first public address as British monarch today, and it's got to be weird to spend your whole life waiting to take over your mom's job.


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

More details are emerging about the sensitive documents found inside Donald Trump's Florida home, and it turns out some of those documents included information about a foreign nation's military defenses and their nuclear capabilities. It's pretty shocking. It's hard to imagine such recklessness from an otherwise perfectly buttoned-up administration.


Earlier today [Sept. 7], the Obamas returned to the White House for a ceremony to unveil their official portraits. ... Michelle Obama looks incredible there ... meanwhile, President Obama looks like he's hosting an episode of "Dateline."


People think that they are congratulating the new British Prime Minister Liz Truss on Twitter, but they've actually been sending messages to @LizTruss, who isn't the new prime minister, and that Twitter handle is owned by a completely different woman who is named Liz Trussell. ... Face it, the only way someone on Twitter would say something nice to someone else is by accident.


Rapper Lil Yachty has just released his own line of frozen pizzas, exclusively available at Walmart. So now you can be like, "I had the most wonderful meal last night prepared by this hot, new celebrity chef." Instead of telling the truth, which is you had a Walmart frozen pizza for dinner.