Late Laughs for the week of October 17 - 23

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Big news today as Pfizer announced that a low dose of its vaccine is "safe and effective for kids," ages five to 11. It's great news until you hear a six-year-old say, "I want to do my own research first."


Out in California, I saw that some McDonald's locations are now offering free vaccines. It's not every location, so double check before you let a clown stab you with a needle. ... It took 66 years, but there's finally something healthy at McDonald's.


New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio addressed world leaders [coming to the United Nations General Assembly] and said, "If you don't want to be vaccinated, don't bother coming." New Yorkers agreed with the mayor. They were like, "Yeah, stay out! ... and take de Blasio with you!"


There's actually some real concern about the General Assembly turning into a super-spreader event, because — and this is real — the UN is using the honor system to check vaccinations. ... I don't even trust the honor system when I give out candy on Halloween!


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

On Sunday night, the talented staff and crew of this show won an Emmy for our live election special, "Stephen Colbert's Election Night 2020: Democracy's Last Stand: Building Back America Great Again Better 2020." And this is absolutely true, my research department says, as far as they can tell, it's the longest title ever to win a Primetime Emmy. The only thing longer was the acceptance speech by the director of "The Queen's Gambit."


Of course, now that I know live election shows bring in the sweet, sweet Hollywood gold, I'm announcing my "2021 Canadian Election Moose-tacular! Featuring Our Cartoon Prime Minister and Saskatooning Out the News." When is that happening? And I'm being told that the Canadian election was last night, so we'll have to save the special until next month when a mob of fascist beavers storm the Parliament Buildings.


Climate change is here, and it's bad, y'all. This year alone we saw fires out west, flooding in Europe and China, and multiple hurricanes that flooded the New York City subway system: "Ladies and gentlemen, stand clear of the closing doors and the apocalyptic underground tidal wave. This train will be skipping 23rd street because, uh, it just says here 'fire bees.'"


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Over the weekend, the FDA shot down [Biden's booster shot] plan, saying that only the most vulnerable need boosters. Now, I think in this instance we need to define vulnerable, because yesterday I saw a commercial for bathroom tissue that contained aloe vera in it and it made me cry. That's just where I'm at emotionally right now.


Over the weekend in Paris, an acrobat walked across a nearly 2,000-foot-long slackline, starting from the Eiffel Tower and crossing the river Seine, all the while more than 200 feet off the ground. ... Statistically, that guy is in at least seven engagement photos.


Have you guys heard about the $200-million movie that Tom Cruise was going to shoot in outer space? You know, he was saying it was going to be the first feature film to be shot in space. Well, a Russian film crew have just announced that they're going to beat him to it, filming their own movie on the International Space Station next month. Now, here's what I'll say, Russia: you can meddle in our elections, you can mess with the oil pipelines, you do not — you do NOT — mess with Tom Cruise, OK?


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The former CEO of Amazon and future resident of Mars, Jeff Bezos, made a big announcement. He's donating a billion dollars to protect 30% of Earth's land and sea. Which sounds like a lot until you realize he's worth $200 billion. ... Jeff Bezos is the only guy who's so rich, when you hear he donated a billion dollars to charity you're like, "What a cheap b----!"


Tonight, we are teaming up with all the other late-night shows to talk about climate change and the coming apocalypse that will follow if we continue to do nothing about it. ... Our future is in jeopardy. You know that show "Jeopardy!" that's all screwed up? This is even worse than that.


It seems like we get hit with fallout from the climate crisis every day here in California: wildfires, floods, landslides. … All amazing things to hear Stevie Nicks sing about; not something you want to experience in life.


What a show! [The Emmy Awards] opened with Rita Wilson rapping, and somehow it got even whiter from there. Last year, the Canadians came in and won it all. This year, it was the English! It was a Britzkrieg. More than half the Emmys went to non-, dare I even say, un-Americans! Even Ted Lasso had to move to London to win an Emmy this year.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

The luxury toy car maker The Little Car Company this week unveiled a child-sized Aston Martin that will sell for $120,000. The name is Bond. Unhealthy parental bond.


According to a new book, Russian President Vladimir Putin told President Biden on a phone call that he was "upset" that Biden called him a killer in an old interview. Putin was apparently so upset that two of his aides committed suicide.


Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau won yesterday's snap election. And in keeping with Canadian tradition, he gave a long, heartfelt victory apology.


In a new interview, first lady Dr. Jill Biden said that their German shepherd Major's habit of biting Secret Service agents has caused her and President Biden to delay bringing a cat into the White House. Because as much as it hurts to get bitten, it hurts even more to be ignored.


President Biden yesterday recognized the 10th anniversary of the end of the "Don't Ask Don't Tell" military policy. Now "Don't Ask Don't Tell" refers to Afghanistan.