Late Laughs for the week of October 16 - 22

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Earlier tonight [Sept. 23], Elton John performed on the South Lawn of the White House. It was an exciting night for the Bidens -- the concert started right after dinner, at 3 p.m.


It's National Dog Week everybody! And to celebrate, Tinder is putting rescue dogs on their app to match them with potential owners. It's exactly the same as normal Tinder: everyone says they enjoy food and long walks on the beach.


A popular craft beer in Australia was recalled over concerns of "excess alcohol." Meanwhile, the people who bought it were like, "We can't recall anything."


Tonight [Sept. 22] on Amazon there was another Thursday night football game. Apparently, Amazon has a policy not to show ads for alcohol, which means there are no beer commercials during their football games. I don't know why Amazon does that, because drunk people ordering stuff on Amazon is 90% of their business.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Judge [Aileen] Cannon ... ruled that ... the DOJ had to wait until those documents [seized at Mar-a-Lago] had been reviewed by something called a "special master," which she said would take until Nov. 30. That would give the [former] president way too much time to hide all the remaining evidence. I can imagine how he would stuff his Thanksgiving turkey!


Importantly, the appeals court also noted that "declassifying an official document would not change its content or render it personal" and, therefore, "the declassification argument is a red herring." Red herring -- also what the former president calls a Filet-O-Fish smothered in ketchup.


[New York Attorney General Leticia] James revealed his [Trump's] property at Mar-a-Lago has a value of $75 million. Not bad, but the ex-president had claimed it was worth $739 million. Well, of course it's worth less now -- the FBI took away all the most-resellable documents!


[Russian President Vladimir] Putin's already trying to create his army of the future. Last month, he restored a million-ruble award established by Stalin in 1944 for women to give birth to 10 or more children, called the "Mother Heroine" award. Because after giving birth to 10 or more children, those mothers are going to want some heroin!


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Trump claims he declassified those documents the FBI found at Mar-a-Lago using special powers no one imagined any human ever had! ... Using the power of his mind, he can declassify documents! What he does is he puts a candle in an egg McMuffin, makes a wish, blows it out and the documents become declassified. Hocus Potus!


You know Florida Gov. Ron DeSanstis and [how] he duped that plane full of Venezuelan families into flying to Martha's Vineyard? Well, word is Trump's upset about that. Not because he cares about the people — he's upset because he thinks Ron DeSantis stole that idea from him. Can you imagine being such a despicable creep, you're mad at someone for being a despicable creep sooner than you? It's like taking credit for being the first guy to put pineapple on pizza.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

In an interview on Fox News last night, former president Trump defended his handling of sensitive materials and said that he had the power to declassify documents "even by thinking about it." Oh great, so on top of everything else, Trump has the shining. Well, that explains his luck with hotels.


Taco Bell has announced that it will begin testing its new meatless carne asada next month at dozens of locations in Dayton, Ohio, raising the question: How many Taco Bells does Dayton, Ohio, need?


In a new lawsuit filed today, New York Attorney General Letitia James alleges that the Trump Organization deceived lenders, insurers and tax officials by inflating the value of its properties. Even worse, he listed himself as six[-foot]-seven on his Tinder profile!


Russia announced plans to hold an annexation vote in occupied portions of Ukraine, and -- this is cool! -- they also announced what the results of the vote will be.


According to the latest numbers, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg's net worth decreased this year by more than $71 billion. No wonder he wants to live in the Metaverse; he can't afford a place in San Francisco anymore!


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

The Hollywood sign is now undergoing renovation. In anticipation of the icon's 100th anniversary next year, an eight-week-long refurbishment of the sign began this week. A crew of 10 workers are currently refurbishing the sign, ensuring it can continue to disappoint tourists for years to come.


Donald Trump's former accounting firm, Mazars USA, is now in the process of turning over financial documents to Congress. I'm feeling so many things right now: I'm excited and bored.


Elton John will be performing at the White House tomorrow night [Sept. 23], outside on the South Lawn, for 2,000 guests. The event is being called "A Night When Hope and History Rhyme," which they can't.


After the power went out at his clinic, a Texas urologist found an unusual new electricity source. He used an electric truck to power a vasectomy. But there is an easier way to use your truck to avoid getting people pregnant -- just paint flames down the side.