Late Laughs for the week of October 10 - 16, 2021

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

[Today] was the first day of all in-person school! For the first time in 18 months, kids can enjoy class without seeing their friends' dads wandering behind them in boxers.


Masks are now required for Broadway audiences; that means full coverage of mouth and nose. [I'm] looking at you, Phantom!


Lil Nas X had multiple looks [at the Met Gala], including [a] cape, which he shed to reveal a golden suit of armor. Unfortunately, he had to leave early to help r2d2 get Han, Luke and Leia out of a trash compactor.


Yesterday, before a single vote [in the California governor election] was counted, [Larry] Elder was already conceding defeat and preparing to blame his loss on baseless claims of widespread voter fraud. ... It's like sending an email to your boss at 5 p.m. saying, "Hey, tomorrow morning my alarm isn't going to go off. I'll be very late, but you're going to be cool with it. See you at happy hour!"


Right up until the end, [former vice-president Mike]Pence was looking around for ways to do his boss's evil bidding. And to get some ideas, he called up former vice-president ... Dan Quayle. Wow! Quayle and Pence on a phone call; what a conversation that must have been! Oh, to be a fly on their head!


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Vladimir Putin is now self-isolating after several members of his inner circle tested positive for COVID. It's weird. I believe this is the first time Putin has ever made himself disappear.


Fireball is releasing their own kegs that contain five liters of whiskey, called FireKegs. I'm actually relieved because when I saw #Fireball was trending, I thought something else happened to Nicki Minaj's cousin's friend.


I read about a group of scientists who are trying to bring back the long-extinct woolly mammoth. Here's what's going to happen: the woolly mammoth will come back and immediately start doing sponsored posts for Gillette.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

[California Gov. Gavin] Newsom seems to be surging, but you never know about these things, he could end up winning by just a hair. A slicked back, perfectly coiffed hair.


Democrats are pulling out all the stops for the [California governor] election today. President Biden was in California campaigning on Newsom's behalf. Newsom is definitely facing some major obstacles: No. 1, Joe Biden is in California campaigning on Newsom's behalf.


According to researchers ... dogs are able to tell when people do something on purpose or by accident, a distinction that was previously considered a purely human skill. Cats, on the other hand, have no interest in you or your personal journey.


At the Met Ball last night, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio Cortez showed up wearing a dress that said "tax the rich," and then all of the Met Gala guests were like, "Yeah! ... but not us, right?"


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

You know, there's a reason pandemic movies end when the hero finds the cure for the disease. There's no "Contagion" sequel with Matt Damon running around trying to convince everyone to take the vaccine. ... But still, I don't know, like, a quarter of the country thinks "herd immunity" means they should be taking livestock medicine instead of the vaccination.


The Biden administration yesterday removed 18 military academy board members that were appointed by Trump, including haunted dollar store Barbie doll Kellyanne Conway. Which, there's a name I haven't said in a while: Kellyanne Conway. I'm not going to say it any more times. I've seen "Candyman." I know what might happen.


Stadiums are back to full capacity whether they should be or not. Fans this weekend packed the stands; even tailgate parties are back! ... Some stadiums had special safety guidelines this weekend, some required proof of vaccination, some made you show a negative COVID test and some had no rules at all. In Jacksonville [Florida], if you have COVID, hot dogs are half price. That's how they do it.


Last night I mentioned that Nikki Minaj tweeted, claiming a friend of a cousin got the COVID vaccine in Trinidad, and as a result, his scrotum swelled up so much his fiancée called off their wedding. I guess they didn't have enough room for them at the head table or something.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

According to a new survey, more than half of Americans said that they have never been in a physical fight. "But what if someone slightly inconveniences you?!" asked Boston.


A man in England recently claimed that he had a McDonald's sandwich with a pig nipple in it. Even more disturbing: it was a Filet-o-Fish.


After former president George W. Bush appeared to compare Capitol rioters to foreign terrorists in a speech commemorating the Sept. 11 attacks, former president Trump said yesterday that Bush "shouldn't be lecturing anybody!" And I never thought I'd say this sentence, but: Bush, Trump, you're both right.


The MTV Video Music Awards were held last night and Madonna made a surprise appearance to open the show. The audience was so shocked, they all got out their phones and looked her up on Wikipedia.


North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is receiving attention online after appearing at a military parade earlier today looking noticeably slimmer. This first reported in North Korea's Help Us Weekly.