Late Laughs for the week of November 7 - 13, 2021

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Once again, the winner [of Fat Bear Week] is 480 Otis. ... That bear's got a little extra Paddington! That bear is so fat, he uses Charmin bears as toilet paper. This win is extra sweet because, at approximately 25 years old, Otis is one of the oldest bears in the competition. You hear that, everyone? No matter how life knocks you down, just remember: you're never too old to be fat.


There's a little bit of a news shortage, admittedly, but there's one thing that we do not have a shortage on, and that is shortages. Because, reportedly, America is running out of everything. Oh no! Not everything! Some of my favorite stuff is things! And we really are running out of everything; that's why bakeries have started selling "anything bagels."


[The supply chain crisis] is what's being called "a veritable hydra of bottlenecks." A "hydra of bottlenecks," of course, is also the bad guy in "Captain America 4: Winter Shipping Logistics." ... everybody loves intermodal transportation jokes.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The FDA just authorized e-cigarette products for the first time ever. It was a big win for all three people waiting for FDA approval to start vaping.


In Canada, a Coca-Cola super fan just set the world record for his collection of over 11,000 different Coke cans. Sure, he could be famous for that, or he could just recycle them and cash it in for 10 whole dollars.


The deadline for federal employees to get the vaccine is coming up and the TSA just announced that 40% of its employees are still unvaccinated. If they get fired, they're going to be at an employment agency like, "Is there another job where I can run my hands down people's legs?"


The Late Late Show With James Corden

President Biden and President Xi Jinping of China will be holding their first virtual summit later this year. President Xi had previously rejected Biden's offer of an in-person meeting, but now the two have agreed to meet virtually. Xi Jinping finally came around once he realized it'd just be really funny to watch President Biden try to turn off that cat filter.


Firefighters in Southern California responded to a 911 report of a woman stranded on the side of a cliff, only to arrive to discover that the person who was clinging to the rocks was actually a mannequin left behind from a movie shoot. The mannequin was from an action scene in a movie, but to be clear, the mannequin's dream is one day to direct.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The L.A. city council yesterday voted in favor of a new ordinance: to require proof of vaccination at all indoor establishments like restaurants, museums, gyms, Daves, Busters, etc. Proof of vaccination will even be required to go into coffee shops. And see, this is now where it gets serious — because when you're forced to choose between getting a vaccine you don't trust injected into your bloodstream or coffee, I don't know what people are going to do.


Obviously, children who are too young to get the vaccine are exempt from the new restrictions [in L.A.], which is kind of funny — kids ... being able to go where adults can't. It’s gonna be weird when we see a 50-year-old stopping a sixth-grader outside 7-11 to say, "Dude, will you buy me some beer?"


I want to wish a Happy Indigenous Peoples' — or Columbus — Day, depending on which cable news channel you watch. It's weird to celebrate these on the same day. It's like celebrating herpes on Valentine's Day; they don't really go together.


Merck, the pharmaceutical company that, coincidentally, makes ivermectin, has asked the FDA to grant emergency authorization for the first pill that is designed to treat the symptoms of COVID-19. The pill is called "molnupiravir," and if it’s as hard to swallow as it is to pronounce, we're screwed.


In other science news, the White House is telling states to prepare to vaccinate kids. Biden says children ages 5 to 11 could be eligible to get their shots in just a few weeks. ... Maybe we should have Santa give the shots. I mean, the timing is right. Deputize mall Santas to do this for us: "Roll up your sleeve or there will be no Hatchimals this year!"


Late Night with Seth Meyers

According to a new report from the Congressional Budget Office, federal tax revenues went up by 18% in the last fiscal year, which is the largest one-year jump in 44 years. Everyone got so bored during quarantine, they actually did their taxes: "It's this or Scrabble again!"


The Biden administration announced yesterday that it will reopen U.S. land borders next month with Canada and Mexico, but only to travelers who are fully vaccinated against the coronavirus. Because let's face it, if you're not vaccinated, you're not safe here.


According to a new poll, Americans are losing trust in President Biden's ability to handle the coronavirus pandemic. Really. Who's handling it well? We're all losing it. "The Brady Bunch" came on the other day and I thought it was a Zoom meeting.


DC Comics announced yesterday that the new Superman character will come out as bisexual. Come on, it's 2021: the crazy part is that there are still Superman comics. "You see, kids, he's a reporter at a newspaper." "He's a what at a what?"


The Taliban has reportedly instructed its religious police to be more moderate; which means even the Taliban passed police reform before we did.