Late Laughs for the week of November 6 - 12

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The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

[Russia is] coming after the U.S. for supporting Ukraine. Yesterday, they launched a devastating cyberattack, temporarily taking down several airport websites. Oh no! Not our airport websites! First thing I do every morning is check my email and then go straight to!


Russia's not the only one trying to scare the world, because North Korea says their recent missile tests involved "tactical nuclear drills." For the record, news media, saying that they're "tactical" nukes doesn't make it any less terrifying. You're still making all of us drop a preemptive deuce in our tactical pants.


Right after the midterms, there's going to be another big day: Joe Biden's birthday, when he'll turn 80 years old, making him the first president to become an octogenarian while in office. ... [The party is] going to be hot. There's going to be a senior citizen throw-down. We're talking Ensure stands, low-cut shawls and shots, shots, shots: COVID, flu and shingles.


[On Oct. 13], the Jan. 6 Committee will hold what's being called "the probably final public hearing." ... If tomorrow is the finale, I hope it ends like "Seinfeld" — with all the main characters in jail!


[Hershel] Walker has been in hot water ever since we found out that ... in 2009, he urged his girlfriend to get an abortion and paid for it — eventually. ... Yesterday we learned the woman had to repeatedly press Walker for funds to pay for it. Ah, so he's cool with abortion as long as it doesn't cost him. So, he's socially Liberal, fiscally Conservative [and a] complete A-hole.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [Oct. 10] is Canadian Thanksgiving. It's just like American Thanksgiving except everyone goes around the table saying what they're sorry for.


According to a new poll, if the GOP doesn't win Congress in the midterms, nearly 40% of Republicans will blame election fraud. When they heard the results, 40% of Republicans were like, "That poll was rigged."


The U.S. Postal Service announced that it wants to raise prices from 60 to 63 cents. Based on the number of people who still write letters, that could create up to $10 in new revenue.


One of the biggest stars in the world, Dwayne Johnson, is on the show tonight [Oct. 12]. I love when Dwayne is here because there's always a chance that he pulls Kevin Hart out of his pocket.


Our good friend Blake Shelton just announced that after next season he's leaving "The Voice." Blake is stepping away from his chair so he can go home and spend more time in his chair.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

If you haven't been keeping up with the Jan. 6 hearings so far, here's a quick recap to get you up to speed: ... It felt a lot like "Game of Thrones" coming back, but instead of dragons roasting people alive, Liz Cheney was doing it.


Remember a couple of weeks ago [when] NASA rammed a spaceship into an asteroid to try to knock it off course? Well, it worked! ... But it really is hard to believe we live in a country where scientists who are smart enough to target and hit an asteroid that's 11 million miles away live right next door to people who are so dim they think vaccines turn you into a refrigerator magnet.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Buckingham Palace announced yesterday [Oct. 12] that King Charles' coronation will take place next year and said that the event will be "rooted in long-standing traditions and pageantry." You know, the things that drove his son and daughter-in-law completely out of the country.


According to the latest numbers, the Netflix series "Monster: The Jeffrey Dahmer Story" has been viewed more than 700 million hours since its release. ... I guess because it was slightly less horrifying than "The Great British Baking Show's" Mexican Week.


Meta this week launched its most advanced virtual reality headset ever. They're so advanced, you'll completely forget that your wife left you.


The car company Rezvani has announced a new $250,000 SUV called the Vengeance, which has options for body armor, explosive protection and night vision. So, come hell or high water, your kids will get to soccer!


Today [Oct. 13] was National No Bra Day, so it looks like Biden hasn't undone all of Trump's executive orders.


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

Pro-Russian hackers have now claimed responsibility for taking down U.S. airport websites yesterday. ... I don't want to give Russian hackers any ideas, but I'm not sure you'd bring this country to its knees by disrupting airport websites. You bring this county to its knees by disrupting food delivery and porn websites.


Have you heard about this new feature on the iPhone 14 that senses when you're in a potential car crash and calls 9-1-1 for you? Well, there have been multiple reports that the phone calling 9-1-1 is happening when people are riding roller-coasters. ... I like that even the iPhone 14 is like, "Yeah, we need to contact the authorities if you're an adult at an amusement park."


An inmate serving time in Georgia allegedly impersonated the billionaire CEO of an L.A. entertainment company. He then, over the phone, convinced ... the billionaire's investment firm to wire him millions of dollars ... [and bought] a $4-million house ... from his prison cell. ... This could end up being a huge win for him: successfully impersonating a billionaire is actually one of the best ways you can become president of the United States.