Late Laughs for the week of November 3 - 9, 2019

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A Little Late With Lilly Singh

The day I moved into my own place, I turned my stairs into a slide -- what better way to prove that you're an adult who can live alone than turning your house into a literal playground?


I'd eat meat if it was a matter of survival. Like, if I was in "The Hunger Games," I'd eat meat. "Meat" is my nickname for Liam Hemsworth.


I've heard that White Castle serves "impossible meat" now. I thought they already served impossible meat because there's no possible way that was ever real meat.


Why couldn't the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

There were a lot of great games today, but my favorite thing were the referees. I'm not kidding. It was nice to hear from some whistleblowers that had nothing to do with Trump.


The ax that Jack Nicholson used in "The Shining" just sold at auction for $200,000. When the winner told his wife, she was like, "Heeeeere's divorce papers!"


Today, a federal judge ordered President Trump to turn over eight years of his tax returns. I'm not saying it's bad, but right now Trump's accountant is climbing over his border wall into Mexico.


Vladmir Putin spent his birthday weekend hiking with a friend in the Siberian mountains. Putin called it relaxing, his friend called it the most terrifying 48 hours of his life. Going on a hike with Putin is basically the start of every episode of "Russian Dateline."


According to the CDC, the number of STDs in the U.S. has reached an all-time high. At first I wasn't sure why, then I remembered it's been a month since college started up again.


It has come out that the fountain in the opening credits for the show "Friends" also appeared in the film "Hocus Pocus," though the fountain still says that what it really wants to do is direct.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Chairman Schiff is acting like a malicious Captain Kangaroo. Trump is being railroaded by the terrifying Thomas the Tank Engine! This whole thing is a load of Howdy Doody!


Doesn't being "in the process of leaving" mean the same thing as "abandoning?" That's like a father saying, "I'm not abandoning you kids, I'm just in the process of leaving for a pack of cigarettes and never coming back."


Trump ordering polygraphs is like Keith Richards administering a drug test.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

The DA and Trump's tax returns are the legal system’s Ross and Rachel. Will they? Won't they? Can there BE anymore tension?


A scotch whiskey brand has announced an unusual new way to enjoy their product. They've introduced an edible pouch of whiskey they call a glassless cocktail -- just in time for trick-or-treating!


A Texas man was about to get married, and the day before the ceremony, he still didn't have enough money for wedding rings. So to get the money, he decided to rob a bank -- they always tell you a ring should cost roughly three months of someone else's salary.


Trey Gowdy looks like what you get if Draco Malfoy left Hogwarts for some kind of evil wizard law school.


A family vacationing in South Carolina found an interesting package floating in the water just off the beach. They took it back to their rental home, they opened it up, and they found 44 pounds of cocaine. I mean, I've heard of seaweed, but ocean-coke is a new one!


Jimmy Kimmel Live

Between Trump and the Joker, it was quite a weekend for villains in a lot of makeup.


Eric Trump's resume is just his birth certificate with his dad's name circled in red pen.


Today, Joe Biden let the world know that if you come after his family, he will wait three weeks, formulate a response, and then he will come after you with guns ablazing!


According to a new Fox News poll, the majority of Americans now favor impeachment and removal from office. It's a big deal coming from Fox News. I mean, we can't even get a majority of Americans to agree on who should play Batman.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

What do you mean, you're not participating? It's an impeachment inquiry, not Secret Santa. You don't get to choose whether you participate.


Saying Trump went rogue is like saying Oscar the Grouch went to the garbage. He lives in the garbage.


A company in Brooklyn has started selling a line of special-edition Nike sneakers which they are calling "Jesus shoes." They're currently out of stock, but they should be back in three days.


A vegan woman claimed on Reddit this week that she called the police on her friends after they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets while she was drunk. But the whole thing sounds a little suspicious -- a vegan with friends?


According to a new report, nearly two-thirds of birds in the United States are at risk of extinction due to climate change. "Don't worry, we're not going anywhere," said the mangy, one-legged pigeons of New York.


Weekend Update

A Manhattan attorney has filed a $100,000 lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machine fired a 75 m.p.h. fastball into his left testicle. So I guess, ball one.


Trump brushed off any concerns about impeachment, saying, "I'm used to it. It's like putting on a suit." Meaning it's a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his morning.