The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Our democracy is like the Millennium Falcon. She ain't pretty, but remember when she passed the Voting Rights Act in 21 parsecs?

 

Wisconsin has become a COVID-19 hot spot but, with this win, Democrats across the country can breathe a little easier … except for the ones in Wisconsin 'cause, again, it's a COVID-19 hot spot.

 

Yes! We the people will not surrender! We the people will just doom scroll on Twitter until we freak out and stress eat all our kids' Halloween candy!

 

Early on, things had looked pretty good for Trump in what experts called a "red mirage," which is either the character Elizabeth Olsen plays in the Marvel movies or Putin's code name for Trump.

 

If there's anything 2 a.m. is known for, it's desperate moves by sad little men who are afraid to go home feeling like a loser.

 

Per the Georgia State Constitution, their election can not ultimately be decided until all mail-in votes are tabulated and one of the candidates has defeated the devil in a fiddle contest.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

We made it to the night before the election. I haven't felt this stressed out since literally every day since March.

 

At this point, the only thing Trump can declare without anyone questioning him is bankruptcy.

 

Somehow, Chuck E. Cheese can count a million tickets on the spot and we still can't count the votes in three days.

 

That's right. Weed is legal in New Jersey — you just know there's already a guy walking around in a tie-dye tracksuit.

 

Nothing is definite, but the outcome feels pretty inevitable right now. Vladimir Putin is like, "Oh well, you rig some you lose some."

 

I heard that each ballot is processed by two volunteers — one Democrat and one Republican — and if they fall in love, they star in a Hallmark movie called "Count On Love."

 

The Late Late Show with James Corden

Despite a large turnout from voters, there was no crashing blue wave. How did this happen? Even after the Democrats got the cast of "Parks and Recreation" to reunite over Zoom ... I don't know how that didn't speak to Republican voters.

 

He tried to undermine the election and claim that he won. The country was shocked. In a completely unexpected turn of events, Donald Trump did exactly what he said he was going to do.

 

It states very clearly in the Constitution: "Finders keepers, losers weepers." Is this how it works here? You can just declare victory anytime you want on anything? Cause if that's the case, there's a couple of Emmys I'd like to claim.

 

How is Joe Biden even awake right now? You call him "Sleepy Joe," the man's been awake for, like, 72 hours now!

 

You know what New Jersey looks like when everybody's high? Exactly the same.

 

Nevada has all-night casinos, all-night buffets, all-night wedding chapels ... but when it comes to counting votes, let's all get a good night's sleep and come back tomorrow.

 

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The best way to describe how I'm feeling right now is somewhere between Christmas Eve and the night before a liver transplant.

 

It's very stressful, so I want to make a suggestion to get you through election night. I have something I think can help — it's called "tequila."

 

I thought if your election lasted more than 48 hours you were supposed to seek medical attention?

 

Why did we believe the polls again? You'd think we would have learned our lesson. But I guess that's not how humans function. We're on Season 25 of The Bachelor and we're like, "I know it didn't work out the first 24 times, but this one – it feels like love!"

 

[Trump] is claiming the votes in four states he didn't win. You can't claim the votes! This is the electoral college, it's not baggage at an airport carousel!

 

The reason Joe Biden is strong in Pennsylvania, a state that voted Republican last time, is because he's from there and they know him. It's the same reason Trump lost New York.

 

Late Night with Seth Meyers

Yesterday was the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. Because even though we live in a deeply divided nation, the one thing we can all agree on is, "sunset should be at 4:30."

 

A caravan of Trump supporters reportedly blocked three lanes of traffic on a New Jersey highway for at least five miles by stopping their cars and waving pro-Trump flags. It was New Jersey's worst traffic jam since at least two exits back.

 

Netflix announced last week that it will raise its standard plan prices by $1 a month. Or, about 10 cents for each person on the account.

 

Yesterday was Election Day, or, the beginning of Election Week. You know what? Last night was the first night of Election Hanukkah.

 

Cheetos is selling a new Holiday Popcorn Tin, which contains Cheddar and Flamin' Hot popcorn and features Chester the Cheetah in a Santa Claus hat. It's the gift that says, "There was a Walmart between my house and your house."

 

Walmart is reportedly planning to replace its inventory-tracking robots with human workers. Apparently, the robots demanded better working conditions.

 

Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost

You know politics in 2020 is stupid when some of the best investigative journalism is being done by Borat.

 

Popeye's Chicken announced that they're bringing back Cajun Style Turkeys for Thanksgiving. It's a rare piece of good news for people who spend Thanksgiving at Popeye's.