Late Laughs for the week of November 28 - December 4, 2021

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Donald Trump was in Atlanta on Saturday night. He was at Game 4 of the World Series, and — except for the part where Melania showed up — everything about that visit went exactly the way you might expect. ... If we could somehow harness the energy of Melania's hatred for Donald Trump, we could power the world.


According to the White House, 70% of U.S. adults are now fully vaccinated, and 80% are at least partially vaccinated against COVID. The other 20% are still awaiting the results of the clinical trials being conducted by Kyrie Irving of the Brooklyn Nets.


There is a new COVID variant making the rounds called Delta Plus. Delta Plus spreads faster and has 40% more legroom, which is nice. These new names need to be catchier, too, like hurricanes. We should start naming new variants after prominent anti-vaxxers: "I'm sorry sir, you've tested positive for Scott Baio," for instance.


Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers is in quarantine right now. A-Rodg tested positive yesterday for COVID and will miss Sunday's game against the [Kansas City] Chiefs. He'll be watching from Mahome.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

In Washington, D.C., a group of trick-or-treaters decided to hit up Bezos' mansion only to be told by a man on an intercom that they were "not participating in Halloween." Wow! Not participating in Halloween?! Then why did he spend all year costumed as Panic Pete the squeeze toy?


Biden's first stop [in Europe this week] was the Vatican, where he met with Supreme Pontiff Pope Francis ... Biden has gotten flack from Catholic bishops for being pro-choice, but during the meeting, the pope ... called Biden a "good Catholic." ... That's the stamp of approval right there: the pope telling you you're a good Catholic is like a bear telling you you're good at pooping in the woods.


It's Election Day in many places across the country, including here in New York, where it is the mayoral election. Voters will get to replace Bill de Blasio with their favorite option: anyone else.


Yesterday, more than 100 world leaders pledged to halt deforestation by 2030. Of course, to do that, they'll need a detailed plan that they'll need to print out on thousands upon thousands of pieces of paper.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

President Biden spent the last two days in Scotland addressing world leaders at the UN Climate Change summit. Biden reiterated his commitment to cut carbon emissions in half by 2030, and he can do it! I mean, he cut his approval rating in half in three months.


It wasn't just world leaders at the summit, Leonardo DiCaprio was also there. Apparently, he heard Earth was getting hotter and needed to meet her. Actually, DiCaprio does a lot to fight global warming — it all started with that iceberg.


Zoom is going to start showing ads. Yeah, the only thing missing from your four-hour work ... meetings were commercials.


A week after renaming their company Meta, Facebook has learned that there's already another tech company called Meta and they won't sell their name for less than $20 million. When asked why they didn't do their research, Facebook said, "We did. We just did it on Facebook."


Speaking of social media, this week Jay-Z joined Instagram. [He] racked up more than a million followers, then deleted his account a day later. ... Yup, all it took was a day for Jay-Z to be like, "I'm a billionaire married to Beyoncé. Who cares what anyone else is doing?"


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Here's how crazy [Election Day] was. The longtime president of the New Jersey Senate is currently locked in a too-close-to-call race with a Republican truck driver named Edward Durr, who has never run for office before and — this is true — spent less than $200 on his campaign. An unknown New Jersey truck driver running for local office, and you're telling me this isn't a Bruce Springsteen song?


The World Cheese Awards were held last night, and the 2021 World's Best Cheese was announced. It's a soft goat's cheese from Spain called Olavidia. This is a tough way to find out that I wasn't invited to host the World Cheese Awards — and I'd have done it.


For just two nights this month, Airbnb will rent out a replica of Carrie Bradshaw's "Sex and the City" apartment in New York. Yeah, sit around that apartment all you want, Aidan isn't coming back.


Fifty-five percent of Americans say that they would hook up with someone who looks like their favorite celebrity. So, let's get this straight: people would hook up with a hot person who looks like a hot person. Wow! Groundbreaking survey!


Late Night with Seth Meyers

During a World Series game over the weekend, former president Trump and first lady Melania Trump did the so-called "tomahawk chop" with Atlanta Braves fans. They were hesitant at first, until advisers assured them that it was racist.


Media mogul Rupert Murdoch celebrated his 90th birthday last week with a party in New York. But take that news with a grain of salt because it was first reported by Rupert Murdoch.


British naturalist Sir David Attenborough spoke yesterday at the opening ceremony of the UN climate conference in Scotland. Well, no wonder Biden fell asleep! That's like the world's most soothing voice! David Attenborough could tell me my penis fell off and I'd be like, "Mmm, that's a problem for tomorrow."


Today was rapper and entrepreneur Sean "P. Diddy" Combs' 52nd birthday. He celebrated the same way he always does: in line at the notary public's office getting his name legally changed.