Late Laughs for the week of November 27 - December 3

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Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former president Trump is reportedly planning to formally announce his presidential campaign on Nov. 14. No word yet on his choice for VP or first lady.


The New York City marathon was held yesterday, and Kenyan runner Evans Chebet was the men's champion with a time of two hours, eight minutes and 41 seconds. Two hours, eight minutes and 41 seconds: the fastest anyone has ever gotten from Staten Island to Central Park.


[At a Pennsylvania rally], former president Trump referred to Ron DeSantis as "Ron DeSanctimonious," which is a risky move for Trump because that's six syllables!


The makers of Miller Lite this week will offer a Christmas tree keg stand. And if you're wondering what Santa is bringing you: AA pamphlets!


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Over the weekend, [Elon] Musk fired half of Twitter's staff, around 3,700 people. Now that may sound drastic, but come on, it's Elon Musk, the guy clearly knows what he's doing. Someone had to make the decision — and now Twitter is asking some fired workers to please come back.


Since Musk took over [Twitter], advertisers have fled the platform, but he has a plan to replace all that lost revenue: start charging users $8 a month for a blue checkmark. ... Musk defended the change, tweeting "Widespread verification will democratize journalism." Yes, soon you'll be able to get your news from a wide variety of sources — everyone from The New York Times to the equally qualified @patriotfootlover420.


The midterm elections are, what, five days away. That means there are only four days left to early vote, one day left to regular vote then two whole years to just kick back and freak out about the presidential election.


Biden loves Florida because it's the only place he's considered middle-aged.


[Insurrectionist Stewart] Rhodes and four of his followers are facing charges of seditious conspiracy for planning to use violence to keep the ex-president in office. Fun fact: they're being tried at the Prettyman federal courthouse. If they appeal, it goes to the Handsome Boy circuit court, then possibly all the way to the Supreme Cutie Patooties.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Here in New York City [Nov. 7], the temperature was up in the high 70s. ... Usually when you hear "November" and "mid-70s," it's about every candidate running for president.


On Saturday [Nov. 5], President Biden, former president Obama and former president Trump were all campaigning in Pennsylvania at the same time — because there's no better way to win over voters than by shutting down every highway in the entire state.


Everyone's talking about Elon Musk taking over Twitter, and now a bunch of people have been tweeting under the name "Elon Musk." ... Now Elon is threatening to ban impersonation accounts that don't label themselves as parody. Of course, nobody knows whether Elon Musk said that or if it was a parody account.


Students in Texas may have to retake their SATs after the test sheets flew out of a UPS truck. The students should have known this was going to happen because one of the questions on the test was, "If a UPS truck is driving at 50 miles per hour with the trunk open ..."


A JC Penney in Pennsylvania had to be closed temporarily after a deer entered the store and got into a dressing room. That story again: JC Penney is so empty, it's actually being reclaimed by nature.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Even Oprah, who made Dr. Oz, endorsed his opponent, John Fetterman. ... Poor Dr. Oz. If he wins, he's gonna actually have to move to Pennsylvania. I don't know if he knows this.


I have a big announcement to make, and that is I am hosting the Oscars in March. ... This will be my third time hosting the show. I've already started making a list of whose names I should keep out of my effing mouth. You know, you can't be too careful.


A Netflix subscription with commercials is $3 a month cheaper than the basic subscription without. It's funny, most kids today don't know what commercials are. ... I don't think that's healthy. By the time you're 10 years old, you should know the Pillsbury Dough Boy, you should know the Michelin Man, you should know the mentally ill Cocoa Puffs bird. ... It's part of being American.


On Saturday we have one of the biggest Powerball jackpots ever. It's up to $1.5 billion, which obviously is a lot. ... To make $1.5 billion, you'd have to first become a superstar rapper, then marry a Kardashian, then make a huge deal with Adidas and then not go on a month-long anti-Semitic rant. That's how hard it is!


The Late Late Show with James Cordon

Chief Justice John Roberts put a temporary hold on the handover of Donald Trump's tax returns to the House Ways and Means Committee. ... By the way, a "temporary hold" also happens to be the closest Eric and Donald Jr. had ever gotten to a hug when they were growing up.


According to a new research study, kids who play video games for three or more hours a day perform better on cognitive skill tests than those who don't. ... This study was conducted by the National Institute of GET OUT OF MY ROOM, MOM!