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Late Laughs for the week of November 22 - 28, 2020

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Republicans made a big power grab before an election that could very well wipe out their majority in the Senate. Usually when this many white people get together for one last heist it's an Ocean's Eleven movie.

 

Minnesota, as you know, is the "The Gopher State," as in, "You better gopher a test, because the president gave you COVID."

 

Is it possible that Trump knows he is going to lose and he has decided to take as many of us as possible with him? Like a pharaoh who wants to be buried with his minions.

 

Remember when we were kids and we thought we'd have flying cars by 2022? Now it's like, "Maybe in the future we'll be able to go to a movie without killing our grandma."

 

People are sick of being careful, so they relax and start doing risky things. Which … I get it, but that's not the way it works. We can't just stop because it's annoying. It's a virus, not "Glee."

 

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Excitement is spreading across the country … if by "excitement" you mean "coronavirus."

 

I've already watched everything on Netflix. Everything on Hulu and, if anyone asks, everything on CBS All Access.

 

After eight months of not really trying, now they're just giving up. That's like if Mothers Against Drunk Driving changed their name to "Mothers who realized, hey, you gotta get home from the bar somehow!"

 

[Michael] Caputo offered the Santa performers early vaccine access ahead of the general public, to which [Ric] Erwin replied, "since you would be doing Santa a serious favor, Santa would definitely reciprocate." That's a serious case of quid pro ho ho ho.

 

Things are so bad in Wisconsin that it's changed its state motto from "forward" to "stay back."

 

Trump has aired almost 1,200 commercials on "The Late Show with Stephen Colbert." Has he seen how I talk about him on this show? I guess it wouldn't be the first time Donald Trump paid someone to spank him.

 

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

It doesn't instill a lot of confidence that the head of the [coronavirus] task force's office got the coronavirus. That's like if the Avengers got mugged.

 

Have you ever seen a mall Santa? Coronavirus is like 10th on the list of things they need a vaccine for.

 

We're just seven days away from the election, and just seven months from knowing who won.

 

The United States could have its highest election turnout since 1908. You know 2020's been rough when we're like, "Let's party like it's 1908!"

 

Four Loko is coming out with new bottled drinks called "Pregame." It's perfect for when you want to pass out before leaving the house.

 

The Late Late Show With James Corden

"Dark winter" sounds like it's an Avengers movie or like the sequel to "The Hunger Games" that will never be in theaters because of the dark winter.

 

You know why Trump does know more about wind? Because he's full of hot air.

 

Mostly if I watch baseball I feel like I'm watching a group of people I don't know have a picnic.

 

You know what song was No. 1 in the charts in October 1988? Bobby McFerrin's "Don't Worry Be Happy." Good advice for 1988; virtually impossible for 2020.

 

On the way home from early voting, a woman in South Carolina stopped at a gas station to purchase a lottery ticket and she ended up winning $2 million. And if that doesn't make you angry enough, she voted for Kanye.

 

The Trump administration left thousands of Americans out in the cold with no concern for their health. I mean, I love a good metaphor, but even for me this is too on the nose.

 

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Election Day is eight days away. Which means we're just a few short weeks away from the Supreme Court telling us who we elected.

 

Trump once again danced to the Village People song "YMCA." Because nothing ticks all of Trump's boxes like a song about gay men partying together in low-income housing.

 

A McDonald's fan recently launched a new website called "McBroken" that can identify which of the fast food chain's locations have broken ice cream machines. The way it works is you type in "McDonald's" on Google and that's it.

 

The Washington Post has published tips for how to navigate the holiday season during the coronavirus pandemic. But, let's be real, we should've been done with mistletoe well before COVID.

 

The third baseman for the Los Angeles Dodgers was pulled from their World Series-winning game last night during the seventh inning after he tested positive for the coronavirus. And not a moment too soon, because third base is one of the easiest ways to catch the virus.

 

Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost

Experts say that Joe Biden could win in Georgia if he can assemble a coalition of Black voters, white women and rural voters. So, basically, "The Voice."

 

Panera announced that it's adding pizza to its menu, which is the kind of fun story your aunt would've posted on Facebook before their algorithms made her a white supremacist.