The Late Late Show With James Corden

Facebook is reeling today after the release of more than 10,000 pages of sensitive internal documents. The documents, which are being called the Facebook Papers, reveal frustration among Facebook staff about the company's direction. Yeah, not so great to have all of your personal information stolen, is it, Facebook?

A group of about 100 cocaine hippos that are descendants of hippos that were owned by late drug lord Pablo Escobar have been recognized as legal persons in the United States. Apparently, recognizing these hippos as people is an important step in trying to save the animals from Colombian authorities. Cocaine hippos -- I actually saw Cocaine Hippos open for Wilco at the Hollywood Bowl in 2015.

According to a new study, the Scottish accent has been voted the sexiest accent in the U.K. ... According to the same study -- and this is true -- the least attractive accents in the United Kingdom were Scouser, Cockney, Birmingham, Leeds, and this felt unnecessarily specific, James Corden.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The company that makes the toaster "pastry" [Pop-Tarts] is being sued for $5 million because Frosted Strawberry Pop-Tarts contain 2% or less of dried strawberries, dried pears and dried apples. Yeah, we know! That's why we like 'em! On the other hand, the Brown Sugar Cinnamon Pop-Tart has real sugar and 50% of your recommended daily allowance of brown.

What's causing this [crazy weather in California]? Humans. But more specifically, there's an offshore system known as a "bomb cyclone." Yes, bomb cyclones -- because that's what weather is now, just a combination of terrible things. So get ready for next week's forecast of murder typhoon, stab-icanes and the rest of the week is floods that try and explain bitcoin to you.

So, the planet's in trouble, but luckily, this weekend world leaders are gathering yet again to wear lanyards about it at COP26, the 26th United Nations climate change conference. Twenty-sixth?! ... This crisis is so old it could rent a car! But it shouldn't -- ride a bike, climate change!

Sen. [Ron] Wyden wants to pay for the Biden agenda with something called the Billionaires Income Tax. Now, the details are a little complex. Let me try to explain it: Billionaires, there's this thing called taxes, and you should pay any. ... Here's a simple way to see if it affects you: Take your spare super yacht to your third house that's on the private island shaped like your own head, look in your garage. If there isn't a spaceship in there, you're fine.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Here in New York City, the streets are so flooded, all the shrimp at Bubba Gump made a break for the Hudson [River].

Everyone's been talking about Facebook lately and Mark Zuckerberg just announced that he's "retooling" the social media platform toward young adults and away from older users. Honestly, just make it a little harder to sign in and you'll never see another old person on Facebook again.

President Biden is still negotiating his new spending bill with Congress and hopes to have a deal by the end of this week. Biden's bill started at $3.5 trillion and now it's down to about $2 trillion. Right now he's like a guy at the airport taking stuff out of his bag to get it under 50 pounds.

Last night an FDA panel gave the green light to the Pfizer vaccine for kids between the ages of five and 11. That's right, kids vaccines are the best way to prevent the two things parents fear the most: COVID and homeschooling.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

There are a lot of [Halloween] costume no-nos these days, especially when it comes to cultural appropriation. Here's how it goes: Don't wear a sari if you're not Indian, don't go in a kimono if you're not Japanese [and] don't put on dental floss underwear if you're not a Kardashian. Use your head.

A school district in Melrose, Massachusetts, just a few miles north of Boston, ... has decided to "de-emphasize" Halloween. ... Instead of de-emphasizing Halloween, maybe what they need is an alternate, non-offensive name for the holiday at the end of October that can be freely celebrated at schools. Inclusively. For all. And because we like to be helpful, we came up with some ideas: National Gourd Appreciation Day, Squash Hashanah, Children Dress Slightly Differently Than They Normally Do Every Day, The Festival of Non-Terrifying, Eco-Friendly Rubber Masks, Draculabor Day, All Snickers Eve, Afterlife Awareness Day, Just Let The Theater Kids Go Nuts Night, and something we can all get behind, Rob Schneider's Birthday.

The gist of them [the Facebook Papers] is that Facebook knew its technology was amplifying hate speech and misinformation. ... That means hate and lies are baked directly into Facebook like the cheese in a Stuffed Crust Pizza from Pizza Hut. ... It's like the nicotine in cigarettes: it's not what you come for, but it's why you stick around. I'll tell you something, I miss when Facebook just was a safe place to lose your house in a pyramid scheme.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

While visiting an elementary school in New Jersey yesterday, President Biden stopped to help a student pick up the pieces of their block tower after it had fallen over. Or he tried to, but Joe Manchin kept getting in the way.

According to reports, a cyclist in Alaska managed to fight off an attack from a 500-pound brown bear. But that was the easy part -- the hard part was getting the bear onto the scale.

According to a new survey, less than 20% of Americans said that they eat the wider, yellow end of candy corn first. Whereas the other 80% actually turn the candy corn around -- and then chuck it in the trash.