Late Laughs for the week of November 14 - 20

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Scientists in the Netherlands are developing laser technology to give vaccines to people who don't like needles. ... The vaccine is heated by a laser, which creates a liquid bubble that shoots into your skin at 60 miles per hour. So, yeah, way less scary than a needle.


I read that during the pandemic, Americans drank and smoked more and exercised less. [It was] just another article in "Things You Don't Need To Be A Scientist To Know."


In a new statement, former president Trump is suggesting that unless the issue of election fraud is addressed, Republicans should not vote in 2024. Democrats heard and were like, "Let's get this guy back on Twitter!"


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Because of COVID lockdowns and labor shortages and a lack of shipping containers, everything you want is either not made yet, stuck on a boat or waiting for a trucker who can't drive because the Gatorade bottle he needs to pee in is stuck on a boat or isn't made yet. And now global supply chain problems are leading to empty shelves at grocery stores. It's so bad, Whole Foods has had to change their name to "Part Foods."


A wine shortage?! Me and my book club are buying zip ties and storming the Capitol! ... One reason there's no place to put the wine we do have is because of a "glass bottle crunch." Incidentally, "Glass Bottle Crunch" is also one of Ben & Jerry's least popular flavors.


In vaccine news, today we learned that the FDA plans to allow a mix-and-match approach for COVID booster shots. Yes, mixing different kinds of protection is smart. That's why when I go out in the sun I wear a big, floppy hat, sunscreen and a condom. Can't be too careful.


If more TSA workers don't get the [COVID] shots, holidays at the airport will be gummed up with short-staffing and longer lines. So, passengers may have to wait hours before boarding the plane to bite a flight attendant.


Throughout the past six months, we've been racing to get kids vaccinated so they can be safe in school, but one private school in Florida is doing it backwards, saying that vaccinated students must stay home for 30 days to protect others. That's right, they're worried about the dangers of vaccinated kids while leaving the kids without shots in school. How do they do fire safety? "Kids, if you catch fire, remember the three steps: Run, flame and hug."


The Late Late Show With James Corden

The FDA is expected to approve people getting a different brand of COVID-19 vaccine for their booster shot ā€” a so-called "mix-and-match" method. ... [It's] kind of like mixing alcoholic beverages ā€” you can do it, but should you? Just remember the rule of thumb: "Moderna before Pfizer, always wiser. Pfizer before Moderna, some concern-a."


According to the U.K.'s Office for National Statistics, last year there was not a single baby in the entire United Kingdom named Nigel. ... It does make sense, though; you never really meet a baby called Nigel. I feel like babies aren't born Nigels, they just appear at age 52, wearing a cardigan [and] smoking a pipe.


Saudi Arabia has plans to launch a brand-new tourist attraction, the world's first "Extreme Amusement Park" on an offshore oil rig. ... I'm still not sure about some of the rides. They've got this one, "Finding and Cleaning Nemo" ... "Frack to the Future," and, of course, ... "Mr. Toad's Wild Carbon Emissions."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

A survey using Google searches identif[ied] the most common fears in each state. America's top fear across the board was failure. ... But when you break it down, in New York the biggest fear was intimacy -- specifically, the fear of intimacy with Andrew Cuomo. In Wyoming the biggest fear is clowns -- maybe because that's where Kanye spends a lot of his time. ... Florida's No.1 fear is blood, and the No. 1 fear in every other state is Florida.


You know, they kept referring to the passengers on [Bezos' Blue Origin rocket] as astronauts, even though the flight lasted 10 minutes. I mean, it's a fun experience Iā€™m sure, but they're not astronauts. Buzz Aldrin was an astronaut. These people went to space and came right back; calling them astronauts is like claiming you lost your virginity because you found a Playboy in the woods. It doesn't count, and I know that from firsthand experience.


American, Southwest, United, JetBlue and Alaska -- most of the major airlines -- have [vaccine] mandates. The only big one that I know of that doesn't have it is Delta, which is nuts! If any airline should have a vaccine mandate, it's the one named after the variant.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Firefighters in Florida recently rescued a kitten that was stuck in the inner workings of a Tesla. Said the Tesla's owner: "I have a Tesla."


According to a new survey, 11 per cent of Americans said that they always use their phone while going to the bathroom. The rest use toilet paper.


Former president Trump is reportedly close to a deal to sell his company's Washington, D.C., hotel -- to Spirit Halloween.


The Biden administration is set this week to host a virtual counter-ransomware summit to discuss ways to combat global cybercriminal networks. I'm sorry, this guy wants to talk cybercrime? What's his advice going to be? "I write my password on the back of a Post-it. They never look there!"


The Katmai National Park in Alaska recently concluded online voting in its so-called Fat Bear Week, and a 25-year-old bear named Otis won for the fourth time. Or more accurately, a bear in Alaska is being cyberbullied.