The Late Late Show with James Corden

Here's my tip: If you want to save money on advertising, just make a product that people who are on TV will like, and they will casually mention it on the air in the hopes that you will one day send them some for free!

According to a new poll, Valentine's Day is America's favorite holiday, beating even Christmas, which is amazing, because it isn't even a holiday!

If your answer to a bad breakup is cockroach sacrifice, I'm starting to see why your ex left you in the first place.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It was Melania Trump's birthday. They celebrated by spending a quiet evening in separate rooms. They were social distancing years before it was cool.

I'm just looking forward to the glorious day when this crisis is over and I can rip off my mask and go into a crowded room full of elderly people and lick them all.

A trio of suspected thieves was arrested in what police are calling a heinous toilet paper caper. You can see it all in the new action comedy "Ocean's Number 2."

None of us can get a test, and [Mike Pence is] out there bragging about how often [he's] tested. That's like Mother Teresa visiting the hungry while scarfing a hoagie!

Researchers at Oxford University have developed a [coronavirus] vaccine that's effective on monkeys. While the rest of us are cooped up at home, these monkeys are walking around resuming their normal lives, things like sports, car washing and writing my show.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Despite rumors of his death, North Korea is claiming that Kim Jong Un is totally fine, and they can prove it with a recent letter that he wrote. You can tell it's recent because he gives a full review of Netflix's "Too Hot to Handle."

CNN partnered with Sesame Street to do a coronavirus town hall for kids. Bert and Ernie were there, which makes sense since Bert's been cutting his own hair for years.

Costco announced that all customers will have to wear face masks. It's good because now you can stay anonymous while you buy six gallons of Cheese Balls.

Dr. Fauci said the U.S. government could have a coronavirus vaccine ready by January. So, good news! We'll be free to go out the exact moment we get snowed in.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

When you think about how nuts this year has been, think about this: the Pentagon releases video of real UFOs, and it's barely even a story. Won't even be the biggest news item of the week this week!

The other big mystery right now is where is Kim Jong Un? South Korean officials claim their troublesome neighbor is "alive and well" and is probably just sheltering in place somewhere. Another theory is that he was drinking from a chocolate river and got stuck in a pipe.

We are now a month and a half into quarantine, and I've noticed there are a few phrases I've been hearing a lot. The worst one is "the new normal." Stop saying that. The president wants us to gargle Lysol, and we have to wear scuba masks to Trader Joe's. It might be new, but there is nothing normal about this.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

CNN aired a Sesame Street town hall over the weekend to answer questions about the coronavirus, featuring Elmo, Abby Cadabby and Grover. Oscar would have been there, but he was deemed an essential worker.

President Trump claimed yesterday that people who know him and the history of our country say he is "the hardest working president in history." You have got to be kidding me. Abraham Lincoln worked harder than you AFTER he went to that play.

The Los Angeles Lakers reportedly qualified for almost $5 million from a federal government program created to provide relief to small businesses. Meanwhile, the New York Knicks qualified for federal disaster relief.

Vice-President Mike Pence is facing criticism after he toured a coronavirus testing facility without wearing a facemask. But he might be OK, because looking at him, he drinks plenty of bleach.

According to a new poll, nearly eight in 10 Americans think a second wave of coronavirus cases is likely. And it'll be caused by the other two in 10 who don't think so.

Weekend Update with Michael Che and Colin Jost

A former postal worker was arrested for stealing an iPhone and 1,000 Viagra tablets, I assume texting people, "I'm up."