Late Laughs for the week of May 29 - June 4

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Well, guys, today is May 4, also known as Star Wars Day — as in "May the fourth be with you." That's right, it's Star Wars Day. Or for guys in their 30s celebrating it, Solo de Mayo.


Over in Italy, there's a $700-million superyacht that experts think belongs to Vladimir Putin, and right now it's trying to set sail before it's seized. Turns out escaping on a yacht is the last square Putin needs in the supervillain bingo. ... Yeah, you can tell it's Putin's yacht because all the life-jackets have weights in them.


Today [May 4] at the White House, President Biden hosted Team USA athletes from both the Summer and Winter Olympics. And why not? Because after a few more years of climate change, they're going to be combined anyway.


Some good news for President Biden: Over the past few months, his approval rating has gone up by five point to 42%. Biden was like, "Thank God inflation finally got to me!"


I read a new report that said last year ... the FBI searched over three million Americans' electronic communications without a warrant. People were like, "You can't invade my privacy like that! ... But wasn't Becky's text to me, like, super weird?"


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

In response to the nationwide protest [regarding the potential overturning of Roe v. Wade], this morning [Republican Sen. Matt] Gaetz tweeted, "How many of the women rallying against overturning Roe are overeducated, underloved Millennials who sadly return from protests to a lonely microwave dinner with their cats, and no bumble matches?" Now ... for Matt Gaetz, "overeducated" is any woman who has already graduated high school.


Over in Covidland, COVID-19 cases and hospitalizations are rising again in the United States. How many comebacks does COVID get? It's the Mel Gibson of viruses!


One major subvariant [of COVID-19] making the rounds is a spinoff of Omicron's BA.2 variant called BA.2.12.1. Evidently, the WHO ran out of Greek letters so now they're just using the password that comes with your router.


Politico reported ... "Jonathan Karls tests positive for COVID after sitting next to Kim Kardashian" [at the White House Correspondents' Dinner]. ... Even worse, the dinner was on Saturday, and on Monday Kim went to the Met Gala, which — I don't think I need to remind you — was attended by all of the Kardashians for the first time ever. Thanks a lot, Jonathan Karl! You may have just knocked out our entire national Kardashian reserve. Who will we keep up with now?!


The Late Late Show With James Corden

You can now request that Google remove your personal information from Google search results. This includes information like your phone number, email address or even your physical address. Meanwhile, if you search anything on Yahoo!, within two hours you will be the victim of identity theft.


In an attempt to keep trash off the beaches, New Jersey has issued a new ban on single-use plastic, single-use foam and single men named Joey G.


Researchers in Japan have created electric chopsticks that trick your brain into thinking you're tasting salt — it's true. The electric chopsticks transmit sodium ions from food to your mouth to recreate the sensation of saltiness. It's amazing technology. People are shocked at how it works — I mean, literally shocked.


Officials in a Canadian town say they are looking into options to protect the world's largest hockey stick because it's slowly being destroyed by woodpeckers. ... I like how the stick is labeled "Canada," as if any other country would invest in a 60,000-pound hockey stick.


Jimmy Kimmel Live! with Mike Birbiglia

This morning [May 3] I made the mistake of reading the news, and turns out they're turning "The Handmaid's Tale" into a reality series. No, I know. It's a crazy time. I was hoping for something lighter, something with a little more pep. You know, like "World War 3" or "Elon Musk bought the Sun," but it's a dark day for the country. And not to make it about me, but it's a tough day to vaguely resemble Brett Kavanaugh.


I don't know if you've noticed on your way into the theater tonight, but there [are] more Darth Vaders than usual on Hollywood Boulevard because it's May 4, also known as Star Wars Day. ... Star Wars is one of the only movie franchises with its own holiday. You don't see anybody dressing up as Vin Diesel and wishing you a "Happy Fast Fifth!"


Late Night With Seth Meyers

After it was announced that Elon Musk purchased Twitter this week, Tesla stock fell by 11%. Well, he wouldn't be the first person to get distracted from his job by Twitter.


In a new interview, actress Megan Fox said that she and her fiancé, Machine Gun Kelly, occasionally drink a few drops of each other's blood for "ritual purposes only." You know what? These guys are a perfect couple because I look at them and I cannot guess whose idea that was.


Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates spoke out yesterday [May 4] against the potential reversal of the Supreme Court's decision in Roe v. Wade, and warned that it would "set us back 50 years." He said the next time America makes that much progress, we should remember to hit "Save."


Maryland Gov. Larry Hogan said that former president Trump should not run for re-election, and added that Trump is "enjoying playing golf five or six days a week." Why ruin that by going back to a job where he can only play four or five days a week.