Late Laughs for the week of May 22 - 28

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

This weekend [April 16-17] we learned that Florida rejected 41% of new math textbooks. At least, they think it's 41%. For some reason they suck at math.


Not everyone is being so quick to go full-frontal face, because the MTA in New York City said it would keep its mask mandate in place. So, if you're riding the subway, remember: Masks are mandatory. Pants, still optional.


If this [French President Emmanuel Macron's latest photo] works, it'll set a whole new standard for campaigns everywhere. Biden's got to show a little sock garter for the mid-terms, Boris Johnson has to give us a peek under the haystack, and Justin Trudeau has to show us his butt. He's not up for re-election; it would just be a treat.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The Tony Awards are coming up and they just issued a strict no-violence policy to potential ticket buyers[s]. ... You can always tell that a fight's gonna break out at the Tony's when people start snapping.


I read that the CEO of Old Navy is stepping down. Now Old Navy's going to try on a dozen new CEOs before finding one that fits and leaving the rest on the floor.


This weekend [April 24], two stunt pilots will attempt the first-ever plane swap. This is where they're going to fly close together, go into a nosedive and then jump into each others' planes before landing. It would be the one time the pilot actually deserves applause for landing the plane.


Today [April 25] the Tampa Bay Lightning visited President Biden to celebrate their last two Stanley Cup championships. Biden said he's not a big Lightning fan, but his childhood friend, Ben Franklin, is.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Twitter and Elon Musk have reached a deal for the billionaire to purchase the social media company and take it private [in a] $44-billion deal. ... Imagine having so much money you think it's a good idea to buy hell.


Emmanuel Macron has been elected to a second term, becoming the first French president to win re-election in 20 years. That's the thing about macrons, you always go back for seconds.


[Due to] a shortage of pilots ... airlines are now substituting buses for planes. You go to an airport, load onto a bus and drive to another airport. ... American Airlines has already announced bus rides between Philadelphia International Airport and airports in Allentown, Pennsylvania, and Atlantic City, New Jersey. But don't worry, they're still going to send your luggage to Hawaii.


Today [April 26] the UN secretary-general, António Guterres, met with Vladimir Putin in Moscow and called for an immediate ceasefire in Ukraine. ... If the job doesn't get done with the UN secretary-general, they'll have to send in the UN secretary-specific.


Dental students in Tokyo have begun practising procedures on a lifelike robot that is designed to look and act just like a real-life girl in pain. ... That thing is so creepy, I'm just happy to finally see dentists being the people who are terrified for a change.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In New York, you know, the fallout from the Oscars is now spilling onto other award shows. The producers of the Tonys today sent a letter to prospective audience members that said, "The Tony Awards has a strict no-violence policy. In the event of an incident, the perpetrator will be removed from the event immediately." ... In the event of an attack, not only will the perpetrator be removed from the theater, they will be banned from the Tony Awards for 525,600 minutes.


Elon Musk bought Twitter today — did you hear that? $44 billion. He said he wants to transform Twitter as a platform for free speech around the globe. Yeah, that's the problem with Twitter: no one can say what they think.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

[Former president] Trump [...] said that water pressure regulations caused problems with the "third element" of a bathroom, so people have to flush toilets up to 10 times. Of course, when Trump says he has to go No. 3, it means he's flushing classified documents.


Firefighters in Washington State last week rescued a woman after she fell headfirst into an outhouse toilet trying to retrieve her cellphone; which is crazy because it was an Android!


President Biden said yesterday he tried to congratulate French President Emmanuel Macron on his re-election but was unable to reach him because Macron was "at the Eiffel Tower having a good time." Oof, that's got to hurt! That's not even a good lie.


House Minority Leader Kevin McCarthy led a group of Republicans yesterday on a visit to the U.S./Mexico border, but Ted Cruz wasn't with them because he has no interest in only going halfway to Cancun.


Officials in New York are reportedly considering allowing pizzerias and other restaurants to sell cannabis-infused foods. "Uh, they only come here if they're already high," said Papa Johns.