Late Laughs for the week of May 15 - 21

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

You remember the dinner Jesus had with his apostles when they all decided to sit on the same side of the table to eat? I believe they all got to one side and asked the waiter, "Can you take a quick painting of us?"


There were Easter wishes from many world leaders yesterday, including President Biden, who tweeted, "As we reflect today on Christ's resurrection, we are reminded that with faith, hope and love — even death can be defeated." Uh oh. What do you think he's planning?


On Friday [April 15], the Florida Department of Education announced that the state has rejected dozens of math textbooks because, among other newly banned subject matter, they claim some of the books make reference to critical race theory. If you don't know what critical race theory is, neither does [Florida] Gov. Ron DeSantis, don't worry. But thanks to his important work, Florida has rejected more than 50 math books ... Ron DeSantis wants to make sure that fractions are between one numerator and one denominator and that's it!


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The City That Never Sleeps rested a little bit easier last night because yesterday [April 13] the NYPD arrested subway shooter suspect Frank James. ... So, New Yorkers, you can relax and return to the subway. It's just as safe and clean as you remember.


The Ukrainian military announced that a Russian warship has been "seriously damaged" in the Black Sea after Ukrainian forces struck the ship with "anti-ship Neptune missiles." I'm surprised they're called "Neptune" missiles because, Russia, Ukraine's kicking Uranus.


Russia claims the goal of their invasion was to prevent the eastward expansion of NATO, but the attempt to intimidate their neighbors seems to have backfired because now Sweden and Finland are making "moves to join NATO." ... This move is a little risky as "Russia has repeatedly warned Finland against joining NATO." ... Sweden is expected to join NATO, too, if only to keep the Russians from seizing their strategic reserve of Skarsgårds.


[Tesla CEO Elon] Musk offered to buy Twitter for $43 billion in cash. Oh my God! He could do so much with that money: address world hunger, fix climate change — get a decent haircut!


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [April 18] the White House hosted the first Easter Egg Roll since the pandemic began, and it was a huge event with 30,000 people in attendance. After two minutes of rolling eggs across the lawn, the kids were like, "Wow, I actually miss Zoom."


I actually did get to go to the White House today. When they said, "The president wants to see you," I thought, "[...] How bad did I screw up my taxes?" But I had an absolute blast. And good news, during the egg hunt I found Trump's missing call logs from Jan. 6!


A federal judge has overruled the CDC's mask mandate for planes, and now all the major airlines have dropped their mask requirements. But don't worry, to keep everyone safe you can now bring only up to 3.4 ounces of COVID on board. ... If you thought Omicron was bad, wait until you meet the Spirit variant.


Netflix just announced that for the first time in over a decade, they lost subscribers and now their stock is crashing. Not only did their stock plummet, but it turns out all the cash they had in the bank was just cake.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

First lady Jill Biden created this year's [Easter Egg Roll] event theme, transforming the South Lawn [of the White House] into a school community full of fun, educational activities. Yeah, because on their day off from school, what could be more exciting for kids than the theme of "School?" This is true, the theme was "Egg-ucation." ... And if you think an egg-ucation event sounds fun, the yokes on you!


According to a new survey, Scottish people have been voted the world's best lovers. It's true! When asked to rate holiday flings in other countries, people rated Scots the highest. Italians came second, followed by the French. The English were voted fourth, and I think I speak on behalf of every English person when I say, "We'll take that!"


The longest glass bridge in the world is set to open to the public soon in Vietnam. It's over 2,000 feet long ... and it's more than 500 feet above the ground. ... You can see why Time Out magazine just named the bridge as one of its top three international destinations to [poo] your pants. Oddly, Scotland was first on that one as well!


Late Night With Seth Meyers

New York Mayor Eric Adams recently tested positive for the coronavirus, and it's the first positive result he's had!


The Boston Marathon was held today [April 18]. It's the only marathon that starts with someone yelling, "Cops are here!"


According to a new book, President Biden proposed to first ady Dr. Jill Biden five times before she agreed to marry him. So basically, he proposed marriage the same way he ran for president: "How 'bout now?"


A growing number of top Russian officials are reportedly beginning to question President Vladimir Putin's invasion of Ukraine, which means there's about to be a shrinking number of Russian officials.


After a clip was released yesterday of former president Donald Trump storming out of an interview with journalist Piers Morgan, a spokesman for Trump called the preview a "pathetic attempt to revive the career of a failed television host." Buddy, you're going to have to be more specific.