Late Laughs for the week of Mar. 12 - Mar. 18

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

All of a sudden there are more UFOs than Chick-fil-As now. The Air Force shot down another unidentified flying object yesterday [Feb. 12], the third one in four days. I never in a million years thought I'd say this: Where the h--- is the Space Force? Why is that a thing?


George Santos reportedly raised money for a recount that never happened, and back in 2017, he was interviewed by police in Seattle as part of an investigation into an international credit card fraud scheme. That one's a little confusing because when the cops showed up to interrogate him, he pulled out his own badge and was like, "Thanks, officer. Agent Santos. I'll take it from here." Can we please just fast-forward to the five-part Netflix documentary about the mild-mannered congressman who turned out to be a serial killer? This guy — he is the Michael Jordan of lying, and according to his bio, he's also "the" Michael Jordan.


The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Last week [Feb. 1], a Chinese spy balloon soared across America before finally being shot down by a stealth fighter. Just a reminder: we spend almost $800 billion a year on defense and we used it to pop a balloon.


Yesterday [Feb. 14], Dianne Feinstein — who is 89 years old — announced that she would not seek re-election in 2024. Well, yeah. She's almost 90. She shouldn't be running for senate, she should be running for president.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs on winning the Super Bowl [Feb. 12]. ... The final score was Chiefs 38, Eagles 35. People who called in sick to work: 19 million. Yeah, that's right — today [Feb. 13], a record 19 million Americans were expected to miss work. Yep. We all woke up this morning and chugged Gatorade as if we actually played in the game. That's right, Patrick Mahomes won the Super Bowl on an injured ankle, but fans can't show up to work because they drank too much White Claw.


For the first time, Amazon's self-driving car transported passengers on public roads [Feb. 11]. The car drove perfectly, then they were thrown onto their front porch like a cheap set of luggage. Unfortunately, after the Amazon car dropped one guy off at his doorstep, someone ran up and stole him.


Today [Feb. 15], Nikki Haley officially kicked off her presidential campaign and during her speech she called for politicians older than 75 to have a mandatory competency test. ... Yeah, she said older politicians need mental checks and new ideas. Then, Trump looked at Biden like, "Wow, she's really going after you."


This morning [Feb. 16], President Biden went to Walter Reed for his annual physical exam, and let's just say Vice-President Harris seemed a little too eager to hear the results. ... The White House said Biden's exam took three hours. It's never good when your physical has an intermission, you know what I'm saying? Nothing says "peak physical condition" like a doctor's visit with the same running time as "Avatar 2." 


Late Night With Seth Meyers

The State Department today [Feb. 13] issued a "do not travel" advisory for Russia. Yeah, we weren't planning on it. "Bad news, kids. I know you had your hearts set on going to the Kremlin, but looks like we're going to do Disney."


In a video today [Feb. 14] announcing she's running for president, former UN ambassador Nikki Haley said, "I don't put up with bullies, and when you kick back, it hurts them more if you're wearing heels." Whoa, what job does she think this is? Does she want to be president or teach Krav Maga? "When I fight for the middle class, I'll hold my keys so they stick out between my fingers."


President Biden said yesterday [Feb. 15] that the back and forth with Republicans in his State of the Union address made him feel like he was, "Back on the playground." "So jealous," said Matt Gaetz.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

The Super Bowl was last night [Feb. 12]. ... Patrick Mahomes overcame a 10-point deficit at half-time to lead his team to win on a last-second field goal. He did all of this with a sprained ankle. Now, to be fair, the human body can do incredible things after witnessing a live Rihanna performance.


A man in Bolivia tried to escape prison in a rather unusual way: he disguised himself as a sheep. He successfully broke out of prison, then put on a sheepskin jacket in an attempt to blend in as he crawled through nearby fields. ... Bah-d idea. Anyway ... [he was] killed by a wolf.


This morning [Feb. 16], President Biden underwent his second physical exam as president. Biden's physician reported that the president remains healthy and vigorous. Between the FBI search and undergoing a physical, this is a huge week for Biden getting probed.