Late Night With Seth Meyers

A man in Iceland set a world record over the weekend by lifting over 1,100 pounds. Said the man: "Why isn't anyone helping me?!"

President Trump participated in a Fox News Virtual Town Hall at the Lincoln Memorial yesterday. Said Lincoln, "This is literally the worst thing that's ever happened to me."

The CEO of the grocery chain Kroger said yesterday that Americans will have meat during the coronavirus pandemic so long as they are "flexible." Although, isn't being flexible on meat what got us into this in the first place?

Apple has announced that it will begin reopening its American retail stores. So don't even bother getting COVID-19, because they're about to come out with the 20.

A new law in Utah went into effect yesterday that reduces the punishment for bigamy to essentially a traffic ticket. Which, as you know, is about $120 and one angry wife.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

A lot of people want a test, but they can't get one because they don't play in the NBA or aren't a tiger in the Bronx Zoo. So, if you want a test, you've gotta work on your three-pointer or eat a raw gazelle.

President Trump is once more pushing to have his border wall painted black. Trump hopes that painting it black will result in the hot sun making the steel too hot to touch during the summer months. So it should work perfectly, as long as immigrants never discover night.

A former official called Trump a "total germaphobe." For a germaphobe, Trump sure is anxious to get the rest of us out in the hot zone. It's the ultimate "This milk smells funny ... here, you drink it."

French language experts have determined that the acronym COVID-19 is officially feminine. We should have known that COVID-19 is female; it explains why Trump doesn't take her seriously.

Republicans are desperate to reopen the economy because if they don't, they'll have to do the unthinkable: give money to someone other than rich people!

As we know, the way to do something safely is to do it as quickly as possible. That's why custodians put up those floor signs, "Caution: Run as fast as you can."

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Vladimir Putin announced that restrictions in Russia will be lifted. That's right, Putin said now people can go back to enjoying all of the old restrictions.

Twitter just announced that their employees can work at home forever. You know we're living in crazy times because normally when you tell someone to work from home forever, it means "you're fired."

Dr. Rick Bright said that without better planning, 2020 could be the darkest winter in modern history. It's not a good sign when our experts sound like the Night's Watch in "Game of Thrones."

There are reports that Kim Jong Un is once again missing. When they heard that, North Korean officials were like, "OK, we need to get one of those Bluetooth key finders and glue it to his back."

A Broadway show based on the life of Michael Jackson has been postponed until next March, when it will still not be a good idea.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Think of this as a Zoom call where you don't have to say anything or pretend to care about your boss's dog.

The president took a field trip today to Phoenix to visit a Honeywell factory where they are manufacturing N95 masks. And the big question was: Would he wear a mask to the plant where they make masks? No, he did not.

I can think of no better metaphor for this presidency than Donald Trump not wearing a facemask to a facemask factory while the song "Live and Let Die" blares in the background.

You don't want your kids to grow up thinking they can throw a fit and then get what they want. You do that and the next thing you know they're at the White House telling people to drink Clorox, and a bunch of doctors are behind them nodding.