The Late Late Show With James Corden

Apple is no longer the world's most valuable company. The company was just surpassed by Saudi oil giant Aramco. It's just nice to see a Saudi oil giant catch a break, isn't it?

According to a new poll, half of Americans think life in France is better than life in the United States. They even admit that they fantasize about living in France. To which French people were like, "What a coincidence! We think we're better than you guys, too!"

As you know, Elon Musk is in the middle of purchasing Twitter. Well, today [May 9] Musk said that one of the first things he would do after the acquisition goes through is lift the permanent Twitter ban on Donald Trump. [I'll] tell you what: We are leaving this show in the nick of time, gang!

Today [May 9] was the official state opening of Parliament in London, and for the first time ever, Prince Charles delivered the speech in the Queen's place. ... The Queen has only missed the event twice in her reign: in 1959 and in 1963, both times while she was pregnant. So, congratulations, Your Majesty!

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

After pandemic upheavals, tomorrow [May 7] will see what's being called a "normal Kentucky Derby." So, tiny men on giant horses being screamed at by drunk women in enormous hats. You know, normal.

Just because things are opening up doesn't mean COVID isn't still serious. Researchers recently announced that severe COVID can age the brain by 20 years. Now, if you're wondering, one sign your brain has aged 20 years [is] you've recently started watching CBS. Welcome. Remember: drink plenty of fluids, watch plenty of "Blue Bloods."

[The Wall Street Journal reported that] "many NFT owners are finding their investments are worth significantly less than when they bought them." ... An NFT of the first tweet from Twitter co-founder Jack Dorsey sold in March 2021 for $2.9 million, but when it went up for auction recently, the highest bid came in at $277. Wow! I have not seen anything lose value that quickly since Kevin Spacey's Oscars.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today Biden was back in Washington, where he [co-]hosted a virtual COVID summit. The fact that the summit was held virtually pretty much tells you how we're doing in the fight against COVID.

Nike has accused the retail website StockX of selling counterfeit versions of their shoes. Apparently, people were angry to hear that they dropped $300 on a pair of Air Gordons.

Today [May 11] President Biden visited a farm in Illinois, where he announced new steps to fight rising food costs and inflation. You know your presidency is in rough shape when your staff is like, "It's time to drive you to a farm upstate."

This is going viral: In Washington, state troopers pulled over a U-Haul truck because it had an SUV hanging out the back of it. ... I think that's known as a highway turducken.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I don't know if you've heard this, but the Republic of North Korea today reported their first case of COVID-19. Can you imagine that? Two years after we all got it. ... How did COVID even get into North Korea? Did Kid Rock play Pyongyang and not tell us about it?

The Spanish government is expected to pass a new law that would give women three days of "menstrual leave" every four weeks if they're in pain and need to stay home from work. Which, on the one hand is very considerate, but on the other it's gonna be a little bit odd for everyone in the office to know when it's Gabriela's time of the month, isn't it?

The Jan. 6 Committee today took the extraordinary step of sending subpoenas to five House Republicans who have refused to co-operate so far. Kevin McCarthy, Jim Jordan, Scott Perry, Andy Biggs and Mo Brooks all got served. Either that or this is a Cialis commercial. ... Are you suffering from "electile" dysfunction?

In an attempt to be inclusive, Mattel is rolling out Barbie dolls with various physical conditions. One of those conditions is hearing loss, which means Barbie will come with hearing aids. Which is an amazing step towards inclusion that your child will immediately swallow.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden criticized Republicans at a fundraiser last night for their recent attacks on Disney and said, "They're going to storm Cinderella's Castle before this is over." Oh, buddy, I hate to tell ya: if they're storming anything, it's the Hall of Presidents.

North Korea reported its first coronavirus outbreak today and ordered all cities and counties to enter lockdown, or, as they call it, "business as usual!"

While speaking yesterday to thousands of union electrical workers, President Biden referred to former president Trump as "the great MAGA king." OK, can we please not give him any more ideas?

New York Mayor Eric Adams said on Tuesday that his official residence, Gracie Mansion, is haunted and added, "I don't care what anyone says, there are ghosts in there." Um, I don't think that's who's booing you.

According to a new study, the top three baby names said to make a comeback this year are Joan, Mary and Margaret; which is also a full curse in a Catholic household. "Ah, Joan, Mary and Margaret! I stubbed my toe!"