The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

When I first told people I'd be talking to a Democrat that's beating President Trump in the polls, they were like, "You're gonna have to be way more specific."

An American Airlines flight had to make an unscheduled landing after a passenger started smoking a joint. At first, all the other passengers were furious, and then not so much.

I love fall in New York City. There's nothing better than watching tourists in Central Park jump into a big pile of leaves and then realize there's a body underneath.

The first cannabis cafe opened today in Los Angeles. CNN called it "the first farm-to-table restaurant that highlights cuisine and cannabis." Apparently that reporter's never been to Taco Bell.

Police in Pennsylvania discovered $100,000 worth of marijuana growing inside someone's empty swimming pool. When he heard that, Seth Rogen was like, "CANNONBALL!"

Airbnb is renting out a real-life Barbie Dream House in Malibu. That's how you know the economy is bad: Barbie's got like 400 jobs and she still has to rent out her place on Airbnb.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It makes sense these days that a lot of people are getting stress baked. You're already on the couch all day watching Netflix and eating beefaroni out of a can. Hey, it's COVID-420 somewhere!

I hope you had a lovely weekend. Actually, I hope you had a weekend, because that means you can differentiate the days of the week.

In South Carolina, they're opening department stores, sporting good stores and flea markets. Yes, flea markets, because there's no more comforting place to shop during a pandemic than a place named for the insect that carried the Black Plague.

FIFA, the international soccer federation, has done a great job against the coronavirus. Some people say we need to flatten the curve. I say we need to "Bend it like Beckham!"

Jimmy Kimmel Live

The first lady took part in what they call a "happiness class" in New Delhi. Melania doesn't need a happiness class. She needs an escape plan and a grappling hook.

I got an email from Costco saying they had a package they were going to deliver today, and the window for delivery was from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. And for the first time maybe in my life, I was like, "No problem. In fact, if you need to stretch it to 6, 6:30, midnight, fine. You don't even have to let me know. I will be sitting right there. By the door. Waiting for you."

There's a new thing they're doing called "isolation proms" where all the kids will get dressed up and they'll dance over video chat. I guess it's better than nothing. When I was in high school, I had an "isolation prom," too. Everyone else went to the prom; I stayed home and played my clarinet.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

The University of Arizona announced that it will be changing its abbreviation from "UA" to "UArizona," in an attempt to differentiate itself from United Airlines. It will also differentiate itself from United Airlines by providing meals.

Officials at Harvard Law School sent a message to students to request that they stop feeding a bird that is loose in the library. "He doesn't deserve handouts," said a rich bird who got in because his dad went there.

A North Carolina woman is being accused of conspiring with her boyfriend to stage a robbery at the convenience store where she worked to get money for an engagement ring. Officials first became suspicious when she described the suspect as a six-foot-tall male who never does the dishes.

A new study has found that Iceland is the most gender-equal country in the world. Because it turns out it's pretty hard to discriminate based on gender when everyone's wearing 12 layers.

A New York woman filed a lawsuit this week against a Manhattan bar called the Stumble Inn after she allegedly fell down the stairs. Which is still better than what happened to her at Señor Knife Fights.