Late Laughs for the week of June 19 - 25

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Despite the horrific shootings in Uvalde, Texas, the Senate just skipped town for a two-week break without any action on guns. Chuck Schumer has planned on pushing through a vote to get everyone on the record, but yesterday [May 25] he bailed, explaining there was no point in doing so given that Republican opposition was "crystal clear." Well, he's just following the old adage, "If at first you don't succeed, byeeee!"


Right now, the United States has approximately 400 million firearms, which is more than 40% of the total guns in the entire world. That stat's even more harrowing considering we have 100% of the world's Floridas.


Current events have me feeling a little unsettled ... about America's future, and I'm not alone because, according to a recent CBS news YouGov-Mountain Dew: Code Red poll, America's mood is "uneasy and worried." Things are so stressful, our national bird is now the balding eagle.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [May 24] "Top Gun: Maverick" was released in theaters across the country. That's right, it is finally out after a three-year delay. When they heard, even Spirit Airlines was like, "... respect."


Prince William's 40th birthday is next month, and to celebrate, he is being featured on a five-pound commemorative coin. And this is cool: the back of the coin has his bald spot.


I read that the CEO of Nokia said that 6G will be here by 2030. Yup, that was the news of the future brought to you by a company of the past!


Deputies in Ohio encountered an Amish man who is suspected of being under the influence while operating a horse and buggy. [The cop said, "He'll get home. The horse knows how to get home."] That's basically the Amish version of a self-driving Tesla.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Some Latin-American leaders are now saying that they will boycott the [S]ummit [of the Americas] because the United States is refusing to invite ... Cuba, Venezuela and Nicaragua .... And I've got to be honest, the boycott party sounds way more fun, doesn't it? "Summit of the Americas" sounds like a Disneyland show that had to be shut down because of offensive animatronic characters.


A three-judge panel [in the U.K.] has ruled that it's considered sexual harassment to call men "bald" at work. Instead, people in the U.K. legally have to refer to them as "hair-free and carefree." So, let this be a warning: If you harass a bald man at work, rest assured you will have "toupée."


According to T.G.I.Fridays, we've all been eating burgers the wrong way. They say that we should be eating them upside down so that the thicker top bun soaks up the juices and keeps them from falling apart. I don't need T.G.I.Friday's bun-splaining burgers to me, OK?!


This afternoon [May 24], President Biden signed an executive order to reform federal police practices, such as tightening restrictions on no-knock warrants, restricting the transfer of military equipment to law-enforcement agencies and forcing policing officers to legally announced if they are a stripper before the music starts.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Here's the thing: I am not allowed to fish without a licence. It shouldn't be easier to get an AR-15 than a rainbow trout. It just shouldn't.


McDonald's, by the way, is now in business with Kanye West. For real. I guess they saw all his social media posts threatening to kill Pete Davidson and they're like, yeah, "Maybe he could do that for us." Look out, Burger King. Kanye has so much beef they're turning them into Big Macs now.


We're learning more about the many ways our former president [Donald Trump] was picking our pockets. One of them is by charging the Secret Service to rent rooms at his hotels and golf courses. The Secret Service reportedly spent almost $2 million at various Trump properties. They spent $850,000 at Trump's golf properties, $400,000 at Trump hotels and $300,000 just to childproof Mar-A-Lago for Eric.


Late Night With Seth Meyers

When asked by a reporter over the weekend [May 21 - 22] if he had a message for North Korean leader Kim Jong Un, President Biden said, "Hello, period." Which sounds lame, but remember a "hello" followed by a period is the scariest text you can receive.


New York Mayor Eric Adams is reportedly thinking about running for president in 2024 if President Biden does not seek re-election. Dude, have you seen what happens to New York City mayors who run for president? It has about the same success rate as asking out the barista.


Krispy Kreme will give out free doughnuts this week to any high school or college senior that visits a store wearing Class of 2022 apparel. And Dunkin' said they'd give a free doughnut to anyone who comes in wearing a shirt. Any shirt.


The luxury automaker Mercedes-Benz announced last week that it has sold the world's most expensive car to a private owner for $142 million. Apparently, it costs that much because the tank is full.