The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

That's right, we have the "Super Duper Missile." Of course, our enemies might soon develop a "Double Super Cool Missile." Then we'd have to counter with our "Awesome Times Infinity Missile," which you would think is unbeatable, unless the Russians finally achieve "Awesome Times Infinity Plus One" technology.

People across the country are finding creative ways to maintain social distancing while reopening the country. Like this Detroit priest, who was spraying holy water from a squirt gun -- it makes church fun! Let's keep the holy water squirt guns, and while we're at it, log flume baptisms!

Fat shaming is wrong. Plenty of wonderful people are old and fat and beloved, like Santa!

If you can't beat the safety guidelines, just change them! A sign that says "Danger. Electricity. Do not enter" is a buzzkill, so you change it to "Danger. Electricity. But maybe you'll get superpowers, get in here, you wuss!"

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Heinz released a new ketchup puzzle. Meanwhile, Huntz released the exact same ketchup puzzle, but for some reason, not quite as good.

I read about a new line of nail polish that smells like taco, pizza and cheese puffs. Meanwhile, Americans were like, "We've been quarantined for three months, our fingers already smell like tacos, pizza and cheese puffs."

Donald Trump claimed that he's been taking hydroxychloroquine to prevent himself from getting the coronavirus. When told the drug is used to treat malaria, Trump said, "If it's good enough for the first lady, it's good enough for me."

The election is coming up, and everyone is debating mail-in voting. Republicans are worried old people will be confused by a new system, while Democrats are worried young people won't know how to mail a letter.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Remember that drug [Trump] had high hopes for? And then they did some studies and found that it did not help COVID patients, and it, in fact, made them more likely to die? Well, yesterday Donald Trump announced that he's taking it! He's heard a lot of good stories. He got a checkup from Dr. Seuss and heard a lot of good stories.

I want to address something that I believe might be the cardinal sin of quarantine. The random, unannounced drop-by. A friend calls you and says, "Hey, I'm pulling up in front of your house. Come outside and say hello." And then what are you gonna do? You're trapped. They know you're in there. They know you're not doing anything. There's no getting away.

Word around town is the Academy Awards, which are scheduled for February, will not happen in February. I guess this is just the next logical step. The last two years they had no host, now they have no show.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Trump claimed on Friday that the Defense Department had developed a "super-duper missile" that is 17 times faster than other missiles. Which is great news, unless our enemies develop a "super duper infinity no-take-backs" missile.

"Bachelorette" star Hannah Brown has apologized after she said the N-word during an Instagram Live stream this weekend while singing along to a song. Even worse, the song was "Happy Birthday."

An ice cream shop in Hong Kong is offering a so-called "Tear Gas" flavor, inspired by last year's pro-democracy protests. Or, if you really want your kids to cry, get 'em Rum Raisin.

Joe Biden is like your friend who wants to watch your favorite TV show with you but didn't see the first season. "What, he's making meth? I thought he was a high school teacher!"

A new model has predicted that President Trump will lose to former vice-president Joe Biden in November's presidential election in a landslide. No, like literally. There will be an actual landslide because 2020 is relentless.

According to a new report, billionaire investor Warren Buffet and Microsoft founder Bill Gates are still playing their regular bridge game during the coronavirus pandemic. Said Buffet, "OK ... I see your Golden Gate and I raise you the Brooklyn."