Late Laughs for the week of June 12 - 18

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The Senate this afternoon [May 11] took a vote on whether women should have the right to choose to have an abortion. The bill would have guaranteed pro-choice rights nationwide. It did not pass. It needed 60 votes [and] it only got 51. ... Chuck Schumer said he called for the vote so we would know where Republicans stand. Turns out, they're standing in the year 1865.


President Biden ... predicts that if the Supreme Court overturns Roe v. Wade, the next target for Conservatives will be same-sex marriage. They'll come for same-sex marriage. They'll come for interracial marriage. They'll outlaw that peanut butter that comes with the jelly in the same jar!


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

There's actually good news from eastern Europe because over the weekend, Ukraine won the Eurovision Song Contest ... that is my favorite kind of, I want to say, folk-rap, EDM, flute-based Hobbit rock.


It's a tough time for new parents right now because, nationwide, 40% of baby formula is out of stock. Luckily for parents, liquor stores: still fully stocked.


[Because of shortages], airlines are rethinking training programs to lower the barrier to entry. Specifically, one airline is considering reducing flight-hour requirements before joining a U.S. carrier. That's probably going to change some flight announcements: "Uh, attention passengers. This is your captain speaking. Everything is just hunky-dory up here -- Quick question: When it comes to altitude, which would you say is better, big number or small number?"


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [May 19] at the White House, President Biden hosted the leaders of Sweden and Finland to discuss their applications to join NATO. ... During the meeting, Biden told them that joining NATO was a complex process that can get frustrating. Sweden was like, "Yeah, we invented IKEA, so we get it."


It's been a rough couple months for the economy, and I saw that yesterday [May 18] was the worst day for the stock market in over two years ... experts say if this keeps up, every Merrill Lynch office is going to become a Spirit Halloween.


A woman in Minnesota was arrested after she tried to flee from police and drove her car straight into wet concrete. ... She was cited for resisting arrest and going zero in a 60.


The FDA just authorized the first at-home COVID test that can also detect other viruses, like the flu. That's amazing! Now you can be kind of unsure if you have everything.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Idaho, Kentucky, North Carolina, Oregon and Pennsylvania all held primaries today [May 17], which, of course, is news to the vast majority of people in Idaho, Kentucky, North Carolina, Oregon and Pennsylvania.


The Guinness book of records has confirmed that Zeus the Great Dane is now the world's tallest dog. Zeus lives in Texas and stands over three feet, five inches. ... None of this impresses me. I watched a film the other day about a dog that was way bigger than that -- and it was red!


The iconic noodle company Cup Noodles has introduced a limited-edition makeup collection inspired by the warm tones of ramen noodle soup. ... Some of us are autumns, some of us are summers and some of us are pork broths.


Both Sweden and Finland announced plans over the weekend to pursue NATO membership, and NATO is saying that they plan to fast-track the process. Sweden joining NATO would end 200 years as a neutral nation. Look, if Dr. Fauci can end his neutrality, so can Sweden.


A Rhode Island woman has been banned from Tinder for life after the company discovered she was using the app to recruit people for her kickball team. Tinder execs were like, "How dare you use our app to form meaningful social bonds with friends?!"


Late Night With Seth Meyers

Former president Trump recently announced he's writing a book called "The Crime of the Century" about the alleged voter fraud in the 2020 presidential election. Look for it in your bookstore's "Tantrum" section.


British Prime Minister Boris Johnson recently called for Britons to return to work in person, and said that his experience working from home included walking to the fridge and "hacking off a small piece of cheese," then forgetting what he's doing. Well, if it helps, you're supposed to be serving as prime minister!


According to a new poll, one in three Americans says that the coronavirus pandemic is over. Unfortunately, he's sitting between the other two.


Archeologists in Laos recently discovered an ancient tooth, thought to have belonged to an extinct human species, that was lodged in a cave wall. Experts believe their last words were, "Not ... cake."


President Biden has reportedly been telling aides in private that he no longer recognizes the Republican Party and views them as an existential threat to democracy. Oh, good -- you're all caught up! This is like when you watch three episodes of a show and you have to wait for your partner to watch them before you can move to Episode 4.