Late Night With Seth Meyers

The Department of Agriculture announced last week that a dog in New York had tested positive for the coronavirus. "Aw, that's too bad," said the cat who coughed on him.

Today is the 71st anniversary of the publishing of George Orwell's novel "1984." Look for it in your bookstore's "Told You So" aisle.

Producers of an updated version of the Looney Tunes cartoons announced yesterday that characters like Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam will no longer carry guns. That's right. From now on, it's all poisoning.

Trump asked Stephen Miller to write a speech for him about race relations. Stephen Miller? The guy behind the Muslim ban and putting kids in cages? You might as well ask Melania to write you a love letter.

The CEO of the fitness brand CrossFit resigned on Tuesday. That's right, he's stepping down. Then stepping up. Then stepping down again. Then climbing a rope. Then flipping a tire down the street.

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

America made it to the end of another week, so TGIF! Which, of course, now stands for "This government is fascist." I'm kidding, it really stands for "Tell God I'm furious."

Why would anyone destroy a medical station? After all, America loves putting Band-Aids on deep-seeded racial problems.

Clear identification is how we hold law enforcement accountable, just like the waiters at Chili's! I'm not eating a Triple Dipper from just anybody in a red polo shirt, I need to know his name is Chad!

Most police departments said ["Cops"] served as a recruiting tool. Well that's crazy. You don't need to become a cop to be on "Cops." All you need is a white undershirt that's never been washed, a bucket of meth and a backyard fence you can't jump over.

NASCAR is getting more progressive. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. All they do is turn left.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Eighty percent of voters feel that our country is out of control. Even crazier, 15% think that things are under control. When the Titanic was going down, these were the people trying to get a drink at the bar.

Mitt Romney marched with Black Lives Matter protesters. That's like seeing the Wu Tang Clan show up at a Kenny G concert.

New York started Phase 1 of its reopening. Phase 2 is restaurants and bars. Then, after everyone packs restaurants and bars, Phase 3 is another three months of quarantine.

The long-running TV show "Cops" has just been canceled. So now if you want to watch a bunch of drunk people embarrass themselves, you'll have to watch "The Bachelor." Or "Real Housewives." Or "Below Deck."

"Gone With the Wind" has been temporarily pulled by the streaming service HBO Max. A lot of Conservatives were upset, to which everyone else said, "Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn."

It's not a good sign when "The Masked Singer" is better at running an election than an entire state.

Jimmy Kimmel Live

Thank you for joining me via the original form of social distancing -- television.

Thousands of Americans were out this weekend, gathering together, risking their lives so that their voices will be heard. Oh wait, no, that's Las Vegas. Those people are risking their lives to play "Baywatch" slot machines.

There are now 1.7 miles of protective fencing around the White House. Just when Melania thought she was done with her tunnel.

The theory is that a 75-year-old man was using his cellphone to scan police communication equipment in order to black it out! I feel like anyone who has tried to Zoom with their grandparents knows there's no possible way that's true.

Trump's faith is like Bigfoot: only a handful of nuts believe it exists, and the only evidence is this photo of a lumbering ape-like creature holding a Bible upside down.