Late Laughs for the week of July 25 - 31

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The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Well, guys, the Olympics are almost here and today the organizers announced that venues will be at 50% capacity. That's right, 50% — which means only four people will be allowed to watch fencing instead of the usual eight.


NASA is struggling to fix a computer on the Hubble Space Telescope that was developed in the 1980s. Yup, it's from the '80s, so the manual only says, "Remove circuit board and blow on it."


It just came out that [Donald] Trump's former bodyguard is the latest member of the Trump organization to be investigated by New York prosecutors. And get this: the guy's name is — and I'm not making this up — the guy's name is Matthew Calamari. [He] looks like a bouncer at Olive Garden. No word yet on Trump's other bodyguards: Johnny Meatballs, Vinny Calzone and Sammy Shrimp Scampi.


Some business news. Coors just launched a new ice cream that is infused with their hard seltzer. They didn't pitch that on "Shark Tank," they pitched that on "Drunk Tank." You'll know it's good when the ice cream truck accidentally pulls up on your front lawn.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Today is the New York Democratic Primary, or as it's called in New York, "the election." All sorts of municipal offices are up for grabs like city comptroller, Manhattan district attorney and public urination czar. ... But the big office up for grabs is who will replace Mayor Bill de Blasio as the person getting booed at Mets games.


Today is the city's first mayoral election using ranked-choice voting. Not to be confused with "Rank Choice": the dollar store's worst soda.


We learned [Donald Trump] wanted his justice department to stop "SNL" from teasing him. It's strange. There has not been a presidential overreaction like this since Nixon sent Navy SEALs to assassinate the Smothers Brothers.


Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean COVID isn’t there. It’s like termite damage or the last five Nicolas Cage movies.


UFOs are real and I want the deets! Do they come in peace? Do they phone home? Are they baby Yodas? Or is it like Star Trek and they’re basically all just humans with different bumpy foreheads?


The Late Late Show with James Corden

In an effort to combat harmful gas emissions, California has announced that most Uber and Lyft drivers operating within the state must shift to electric cars by the year 2030. By the year 2030, the only toxic emissions coming from your Uber will be your driver's cologne.


According to reports, people from England are now facing a huge backlog for dental work, with people having to wait up to three years for dental appointments. ... Just go back to school! You could become a dentist in three years. But this is true, in some cases, they're even being told to use do-it-yourself filling kits while they wait for an appointment. Now, as someone who's seen a fair share of bad quarantine haircuts, this is a bad idea.


According to economists, states with legal recreational marijuana made $2.7 billion in tax revenue in 2020 alone. ... California alone made more than a billion dollars last year on marijuana taxes. So, I guess there's no hiding what all of us were doing when we were "working from home."


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

In 18-plus years of doing this [job], this might be the best note about a guest I’ve seen: "Michael Cohen – remote interview, under house arrest." [That] doesn’t even sound like a punishment anymore. After COVID, it’s like hearing someone got sentenced to Netflix.


This vaccine is kind of like losing your virginity. One of your friends does it, tells you all about it. It’s exciting. Then another one does it, tells you what it’s like. Then, the months go by and, all of a sudden, you realize you’re the only person you know who hasn’t been poked.


Having Donald Trump as president was like when you're in a relationship with somebody who hates all your friends. You can't do things with, like, Germany or Canada because your terrible boyfriend made it so miserable. But now that you're broken up, you're hanging out with your friends again. They knew he wasn’t right for us. We just had to figure it out for ourselves.


Recount Dracula [Rudy Giuliani] did get a show of support today from the former president, who put out a forceful statement screaming about justice, and Rudy’s son, Andrew Giuliani, was so upset he made a video in a parking lot. The guy wants to be governor, [but] he doesn’t have a single friend to hold the iPhone for him.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Gen. Mark Milley yesterday criticized Republicans who oppose the U.S. Military Academy teaching critical race theory and said, quote, "I've read Mao Zedong, I've read Karl Marx, I've read Lenin. That doesn't make me a communist." That's true, but it does make him really annoying at college parties.


Former president Trump reportedly told aides that he hoped the coronavirus would kill John Bolton. "Oh, he was much more proactive with me!" said Mike Pence.


An ice cream company in New Jersey is reportedly facing more than $230,000 in fines after two workers lost a total of three fingers while repairing a machine. Even more concerning, their new flavor is "Chocolate Chip Cookie Toe."


Netflix has released a trailer for its new dating show called "Sexy Beasts," which features people wearing animal masks and prosthetics to go on dates. But the show will face stiff competition from "just going to bed already."