Late Laughs for the week of July 18 - 24, 2021

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

The bill [to make Juneteenth a national holiday] got unanimous support in the Senate, but in the House there were 14 "no" votes from Republican members of Congress. I wonder if those representatives have anything in common. Ah yes, it's the SPF-700 club.


This week, the Texas power company started begging customers to turn off appliances to help avert blackouts. So, the energy company's advice is buy an AC unit, but don't turn it on if it's hot. And just to rub salt in the wound, these warnings about unreliable power are coming from ERCOT, which stands for the Electric Reliability Council of Texas.


Last night, the first U.S. cruise ship in 15 months set sail. It's perfect for anyone who's been stuck in their house for 15 months and thought, "This has been great. I just wish the room was much smaller and slowly rocking."


Last week, Gov. Andrew Cuomo lifted most coronavirus restrictions, calling it a "return to life as we know it." So this weekend New Yorkers can once again play the classic Big Apple guessing game: "Puddle or Pee?"


This evening, the Democrats attempted to pass the "For the People" voting rights bill, but it was defeated by Mitch McConnell and his Republican colleagues. Yes, at long last that moment that we knew would never happen finally didn't, just the way we always thought it never would.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I read that Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are trying to "distance themselves" from former president Trump because they're tired of him complaining about losing the election. When he heard that one of his kids wanted distance, Trump was like, "Please be Eric."


During his weekly address, Pope Francis had a surprise guest in the audience ... Spider-Man. Vatican security was like, "Hey, I know we said everyone should wear a mask, but this is taking it to a whole new level. The visit ended when Spider-Man kissed the pope's ring upside down.


[Beer brand Samuel] Adams is offering to pay [a] $10,000 wedding bar tab for couples who include Sam Adams Summer Ale in their wedding vows. This is great — half the grooms in Boston already planned on saying it, but now they might get paid!


Vin Diesel is here tonight in-studio. I can't wait to interview one of the few people who actually worked out during the pandemic. ... Vin's here to talk about "F9," and the rumor is in this movie they go to space. Not to be confused with Vin's other space movie coming out where he plays sexy Jeff Bezos.


The Late Late Show with James Corden

According to a CBS poll, most Americans want Biden to be tough with Putin. ... Fifty-eight percent of Americans want Biden to take a tough stand, while 42% want a co-operative approach. At least that's what we think Americans want; that poll could have easily been hacked by the Russians. 


That's what [Putin] said. He said happiness doesn't exist. I'm like, dude, relax. You just got a free pair of sunglasses.


California, Nevada, Utah and Arizona are all experiencing heat waves right now with Death Valley, California, even hitting 129 degrees today. Well, look, it's called Death Valley. It's not called Nice-Beautiful-Day-to-Play-Frisbee Valley.


There was a survey that said 46% of Americans want Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to run for president. Well, in a new interview, The Rock said that he doesn't "have the patience" to deal with the BS that comes with politics. The Rock got his start in wrestling and he thinks that politics is total BS. That's where it's at now!


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

[Los Angeles] is a weird place to live. We have earthquakes, we have wildfires, we have Kardashians, we’ve got mountain lions and last night we had cows. It’s funny because ... in a place like Wyoming, that would’ve been handled in about 10 minutes. Here, we have 15 yoga instructors standing on the hoods of their Teslas shooting Instagram videos of the cows.


Trump’s inner circle is almost as small as his hands right now. ... And they say that Trump is now without his family at his side [and] he has become increasingly surrounded by shady groupies and enablers who take advantage of him to advance their own agendas. He’s ... a monkey and three giraffes away from being Michael Jackson in 2008.


I hope you remembered it was Father’s Day yesterday. ... That magical time of year when every dad switches out those unfashionable cargo pants for a pair of unfashionable cargo shorts. Plenty of room for keys, wallet, two Steely Dan CDs, jumper cables … whatever. There’s even room for another pair of cargo shorts, just in case.


What is [Trump's] problem with Canada? I bet Celine Dion refused to sing at his birthday or something and he never forgot it.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

A trade group representing U.S. airlines this week called on the Justice Department to impose stricter punishments on unruly passengers: up to and including middle seats.


The amusement park at New York's Coney Island next month will unveil its new, custom-made, 68-foot-tall roller-coaster, The Phoenix. Though, if you really want a thrill at Coney Island, get in the water.


Las Vegas Raiders defensive end Carl Nassib yesterday became the first active NFL player in history to come out as gay. Said fans: "What?! The Raiders play in Vegas now?"


Track legend Usain Bolt and his wife yesterday announced the birth of their twins, Saint and Thunder Bolt. And you just have to feel for whichever of them came out second.