Late Laughs for the week of July 11 - July 17, 2021

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Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Biden today announced that over the coming year, the United States will donate 500 million doses of the Pfizer vaccine to 100 countries. This is based on an old American foreign policy strategy that used to be called "being nice." And, by the way, if we’re looking to give away stuff Americans aren’t going to use, we could probably donate about five million Pelotons, too!


The series finale — that means the total finale — of "Keeping Up With the Kardashians" [aired last night] on the E! network. It is the rear-end of an era. You know, they said "Seinfeld" was a show about nothing — the Kardashians really showed them! I think all of Season 8 was Khloe buying a bikini top.


Baseball’s all-time home run leader Barry Bonds — who seems to have dropped quite a bit of muscle weight since his playing days — ... had a miniature schnauzer in the [Westminster Kennel Club] show. ... cute little guy. His name is "Juice." Sadly, Juice was disqualified after failing a drug test.


Here in L.A. we have a lot to look forward to. Now that the COVID restrictions have been lifted, we welcome back being stuck on the 405, waiting two hours in a line at an amusement park, parking spot fights, desperately trying to get a bartender to see you, the guy behind you yelling at the movie screen, long sweaty hugs, walking through clouds of pot smoke at the playground, tripping over Bird scooters out front of your house and, of course, the smell of a co-worker microwaving fish. Welcome back, friends. ... We missed you terribly.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

It's been a long time [since the show's had a live audience], so that's why we've replaced all our "applaud" signs with "remember how to applaud?" signs. And I am absolutely proud to say we are the first show back up on Broadway! Suck it, "Lion King!" Hakuna ma suck it.


Tomorrow, Taco Bell is giving vaccinated Californians a free seasoned beef Nacho Cheese Doritos Locos Taco. It's perfect for anyone that wants to get vaccinated but still doesn't value human life.


Joe Biden is on the eighth and final day of his swing through Europe, and he closed his trip out with a face-to-face, tête-à-tête mono-a-monster with Russian president and man who popularized the "Vlad-bod," Vladimir Putin. The 68- and 78-year-old leaders met in Switzerland — neutral territory. It was an epic confrontation in the tradition of the "Thrilla in Manilla," the "Rumble in the Jungle": it was the "Boniva in Geneva."


Biden went into the day [with Putin] hoping to promote "predictability and stability" — also the name of the most boring Jane Austen novel.


As more states fully reopen, experts are calling on businesses to stop unnecessary precautions that are designed just to make people feel better, also known as "hygiene theater." Ah yes, hygiene theater. Shakespeare, of course, was its greatest practitioner with his plays "Julius Cleanser," "Clorox Andronicus," "The Purelling of the Shrew" and "The Merry Wipes of Windex."


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

New York just reached President Biden's 70% vaccination goal, and today most COVID restrictions in the state were lifted. ... Restaurants no longer have to space tables six feet apart or use physical partitions. New Yorkers heard, then were like, "Oh really? Because we kind of liked that."


Next month, New York City is throwing a ticker tape parade to honor the pandemic's front-line workers. ... It'll be like Mardi Gras, except when you flash them, they yell, "Hey, get that mole checked out!"


After the [summit] meeting, [Biden and Putin] agreed to keep in touch. When Biden said, "I'll give you my email," Putin said, "I already have your email. And password. And Venmo. Don't worry about it."


The Late Late Show with James Corden

Apparently, President Biden actually broke etiquette rules when he first met the queen yesterday. ... He's wearing his trademark aviators, and, according to royal experts, wearing sunglasses while meeting the queen is a big no-no. ... It wasn't totally disrespectful; Biden did tilt the glasses down as the queen walked past just to let her know that she's still got it.


The famous Westminster Kennel Club dog show was held over the weekend, and a Pekingese named Wasabi was awarded Best in Show. ... I see why they call that dog "Wasabi," because it is hot! ... It looks like it's a puppy and like it's 1,000 years old at the same time.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

A man dropping off a package at a Florida post office at 3:30 in the morning recently discovered a seven-foot alligator walking around the lobby. Still not as scary as a man dropping off a package at the post office at 3:30 in the morning.


Today was former president Trump's 75th birthday. Well, it was gonna be, but he said to stop the count: "I was 60 years old, then they start finding all these extra birthdays ... 71, 72 ... now I'm 75? Gimme a break."


After President Biden this week told her he would end their infrastructure negotiations, Republican Sen. Shelley Moore Capito said in an interview yesterday that she was "disappointed" in Biden's decision. Said progressives: "Disappointed in Biden? Finally some common ground!"


Tesla CEO Elon Musk announced yesterday that he was planning to sell his "last remaining house" in San Francisco as part of his commitment to liquidate his possessions to fund a colony on Mars. That story again: a house in San Francisco costs as much as a colony on Mars.