Late Laughs for the week of January 9 - 15, 2022

« Back to Talk


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

On the fourth night of Hanukkah, President Biden hosted a menorah lighting. Nothing says you really care about a holiday like waiting until the fourth night to celebrate.


An FDA panel just voted 13-10 to "narrowly endorse" Merck's anti-viral COVID pill. Yeah, when it comes to medication, I'm sure "narrowly endorsed" is the phrase you want to hear.


You can tell [Chris] Cuomo really misses CNN. Today he walked up to a pair of strangers and asked if he could stand between them while they yell at each other.


"Annie Live!" premiered on NBC. Yup, it's been a tough year, so NBC wanted to lift our spirits with an orphan singing about how hard life is.


The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Recently, [Jeff] Bezos was at a conference on the future of space exploration, and he predicted that all polluting industries will move to space one day and that we'll all live on space colonies. Wow! That's some real, prime spoiled billionaire talk: "Mommy, I don't want to live on Earth anymore, it's dirty and it's full of pathetic little millionaires. I want a shiny new planet, and a bigger one than Elon has! I hate him, I hate him, I hate him ..."


One retail expert described the [holiday shopping] market this way: "We see a consumer who is anxious to spend. ... They are eager to shop and anxious about the execution." Coincidentally, "Eager to Shop and Anxious About the Execution" [is] also the title of Marie Antoinette's memoir.


Breaking pizza news out of Palm Beach Gardens, Florida, where local authorities have confirmed that "Pizza Girls" is, in fact, a restaurant and not — I repeat, NOT — a strip club. Residents are encouraged to visit Pizza Girls only if you are looking for delicious Italian food in an environment where everyone keeps their clothes on. If you are looking for a strip club, authorities recommend trying pretty much anywhere else in Florida.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

Scientists are still scrambling to learn more about the new Omicron coronavirus variant, but the scientist who helped identify the mutation recently said that Omicron is "more of a Frankenstein than others." What they're saying [is] you know those fun drink dispensers that fast food places have where you can combine over, like, 100 different soda flavors all together? Omicron is like that, but for a plague.


North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un has reportedly banned citizens from wearing leather coats because they are copying his signature style. ... Yeah, it's the second-most egregious ban placed on his citizens right after, you know, being able to leave.


Celebrity surgeon Dr. Oz official announced ... that he's running for a U.S. Senate seat from Pennsylvania. He'll be running as a Republican. Still no word on whether he'll be called Sen. Dr. Oz, or Dr. Sen. Oz — we don't know. Kind of strange, isn't it, when your backup plan after losing the "Jeopardy!" hosting gig is to become a U.S. senator.


The fitness apparel company Lululemon has filed a lawsuit against Peloton for allegedly copying their designs for workout leggings and bras. Yeah, it's the first trial that'll feature a daily recess for a white wine break.


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The big news here at ABC is that we have officially chosen a new Bachelor! Did you see the smoke signals coming out of the Vatican? That is why.


Twitter will now ask you a series of questions when you're about to post an image to make sure it's yours to tweet, and they do it in a weird way. Before you post, Twitter has always asked "What's happening?" ... Now when you press "tweet," it asks a follow-up question. It says, "Is everything in this post (including photos) suitable for public posting?” If you say "yes" it asks "Have you considered keeping this thought to yourself?" And then: "Why tweet at all? Honestly. Go ride a bike or something," "Is this what 10-year-old you saw yourself doing when you grew up?" ... If you clear all those, you're ready to post!


Dr. Oz is throwing his stethoscope into the ring. ... Despite living in New Jersey for the past two decades, Dr. Oz is running as a Republican in Pennsylvania, where he voted this year — absentee — using his in-laws' address. But he promises to be the best New Jersey senator Pennsylvania has ever had!


The president and first lady were on hand for the 99th annual lighting of the National Christmas Tree. The event was hosted by L.L. Cool J. Originally, Snoop was supposed to host, but he cancelled when he found out it wasn't the kind of "tree lighting" that he's used to.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

Amid tensions over possible military action in Ukraine, President Biden will meet on a video call tomorrow with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Because there's no better deterrent than a long video call with a 79-year-old man.


A man in Italy reportedly wore a fake silicone arm last week to avoid getting the coronavirus vaccine — and wait until you hear how he got out of his vasectomy!


In a recent interview, actor George Clooney said that he turned down $35 million to appear in an airline commercial because the carrier was associated with a country that does not have a good human rights record. Is it ... American?


The New York Times published a report yesterday detailing a series of coronavirus infections stemming from an anime convention held last month in New York. Well, something tells me they'll be fine with quarantining: "Oh, you want me to stay inside for 10 days? Yeah, not a problem."