The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [Dec. 1], President Biden hosted French President Emmanuel Macron for the first White House state dinner in more than three years. Yep, the French like to eat late, so Biden was like, "Got it, 4:30 it is."

According to new research, self-service checkouts at grocery stores are covered in harmful bacteria. But hey, at least they also never work.

For the first time ever, New York City has been named the most expensive city in the world. Things are so expensive, NBC can only afford to plug in the bottom half of the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. Things are so expensive, the Statue of Liberty just started an OnlyFans.

Tomorrow [Dec. 3] is the 30th anniversary of the first text message. And it just said, "Merry Christmas!" Yeah, that's real. And the second text — we got a hold of the second text message that was sent six years later — it says, "Sorry, just seeing this now. We should totally catch up soon!"

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

In an effort to destigmatize the disease, the World Health Organization has renamed monkeypox "mpox." You can't just KFC this thing; it's not like we don't know the 'm' stands for. That's like when the Washington football team briefly changed their name to the Washington You-Know-Whats.

A so-called "zombie virus" has been revived after 50,000 years trapped in the Siberian permafrost. Hey, science, I've got something for you to study next: why the [bleep] you would do that.

There's some news out of California, the Garden State, because yesterday [Nov. 30] San Francisco voted to let their police force deploy potentially lethal, remote-controlled robots in emergency situations. … Seems like an obviously bad idea, but the vote was eight in favor and three about to be executed by robots.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

The runoff for the Senate in Georgia is on Tuesday and Herschel [Walker]'s advisers know that their most fearsome enemy is his mouth. His team will not let journalists within 20 feet of Herschel Walker at rallies. … Herschel right now is staying so far away from reporters, you'd think he was their father.

White House spokesman Andrew Bates responded [to Trump's post about terminating the constitution] this weekend [Dec. 4]. He said Trump's remarks are an "… anathema to the soul of our nation ...," which would have been a sick burn if Trump had any idea what an anathema means.

On Dec. 17, at SoFi Stadium here in Los Angeles, the Washington State Cougars will face the Fresno State Bulldogs in the second annual Jimmy Kimmel LA Bowl. … There have been a number of outlets referring to this game as the LA Bowl and leaving my name out of it. I will be suing those people. I have a stack of subpoenas going out tomorrow morning at 6 a.m.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden said on Friday [Dec. 1] the Democrats must win the Georgia Senate runoff to avoid a 50-50 split in the chamber. "But that would mean the end of my presidency" said Joe Manchin.

After she was kicked off a Spirit airlines flight, former New Jersey governor Chris Christie's niece, Shannon Epstein, reportedly injured six deputies while resisting arrest, including kicking an officer in the groin, which can only mean one thing: she's running [for New Jersey governor].

New York City recently posted a job listing for a Director of Rodent Mitigation, which will pay up to $170,000 a year. Wow, $170,000 a year to say, "Maybe don't serve dinner in the gutter."

According to the latest numbers, crime on New York's subway last month decreased by 13 per cent because it's hard to commit a crime if you can't move your arms.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

A Bulgarian company has introduced a human-sized emotional support teddy bear that's perfect for snuggling. The five-foot-seven-inch plush bear is the shape and size of a male human body but has the head of a teddy bear. Usually a grown adult who sleeps with a teddy bear is a red flag, but this ... this is the same. It's a bigger red flag.

A woman in Argentina was shocked to learn that Tito, the abandoned kitten that she had rescued from the streets, was not actually a cat, but a wild puma. ... Early on she knew something was amiss — specifically, her two other cats and her pet chihuahua.

The mayonnaise brand Hellman's has got an interesting idea for your holiday entertaining. They're encouraging people to make eggnog this holiday season with mayo. Their frozen mayo nog recipe swaps out the egg for mayonnaise. ... This will ruin your family's Christmas even faster than your uncle Carl complaining about how many genders there are these days.