Late Laughs for the week of January 2 - 8, 2022

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The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

In the last month, new [COVID] infections are up about 30%, just like this same time last year. It looks like COVID cases rising is a new holiday tradition. We're going to have to replace the Elf on the Shelf with "Fauci on the Couchy."


[Roger] Stone helped plan the rally that preceded the [Jan. 6] insurrection, and the committee wants to know why he was invited to lead the march to the Capitol from the rally but curiously did not ultimately attend the rally or go near the Capitol. ... It's like the head of the prom committee at the high school in "Carrie" saying, "Look, I know I helped plan the dance, but I think I'm going to stay home. By the way, take this poncho — no reason."


Why spend four hours peeking into an oven [to cook a turkey] when I can spend 30 glorious seconds recreating "Backdraft" with a Butterball?


The big star of the [Macy's Thanksgiving Day] this year [was] Gravy Pirates by Heinz — good to see Johnny Depp is still getting some work.


The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

I saw that a very unique Christmas tree display has returned to a mall in Canada. Some people think it's cute while others think it's a little creepy ... [and] now we know what the Christmas episode of "Squid Game" will look like.


Well I read that Russia is demanding that, by next year, large U.S. tech companies like Facebook open up tech offices in their country. Facebook in Russia. That's like a fake-news turducken. Soon Putin will be like, "Oh no! The spying is coming from inside the house!"


Some movie news ... "House of Gucci" starring Lady Gaga and Adam Driver finally hit theaters. Tickets ... are $18, but if you go to Times Square, you can find a knock-off for $10.


Actor Steve Burton was fired from the soap opera "General Hospital" because he refused to get vaccinated. Yup, they kept showing him evidence [that] the vaccine was safe, but he had amnesia. When he found out he was fired, Burton went up to the producer, threw a drink in his face, slapped him and yelled, "I'll always love you," then stormed out.


The Late Late Show With James Corden

We talk about the turkey pardoning every single year, but I will never get used to it. I know it's a thing, I know you're into it and I like tradition, [but] I will never get over the fact that two turkeys are spending the night in a luxury hotel suite and that everybody thinks that that is completely normal.


I think 79 might be too old to run a country. I'm 43 and all I want to do is sit in the park and throw bread at ducks.


A vandal in Washington, D.C., completely destroyed a car, smashing the windows, defacing the hood and sides, and writing "Mike is a cheater" all over it in spray paint. But it gets worse! It turns out that isn't Mike's car. Now this still doesn't change the fact that Mike is a cheater — look, cheating is always bad — but if you can't even recognize his car, maybe you two weren't as close as you thought. The woman who discovered her SUV said she doesn't even know anyone named Mike — and that's the craziest part of this story!


Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Talking about the race for president in 2024 ... Joe Biden was asked and says he expects to run again — even though he will be 82 years old. He's planning to either run for re-election or take out a reverse mortgage on the White House. Some Democrats are hoping that Bernie will be the nominee again, but he's 80 right now. Bernie Sanders makes Joe Biden look like Timothée Chalamet!


I had a mildly frightening Thanksgiving. ... I was lighting my pizza oven — and I wish I could say this is the first time I've done this — so, I turned on the gas and flipped the switch and usually it lights up itself. And, I don't know, 40 minutes goes by and the oven is not lit. So ... I grabbed a piece of paper, lit it on fire and ... I tossed it into the oven and BOOM! It came right back at me. ... Unfortunately, the turkey turned out delicious — so now I have to light myself on fire every year.


Late Night with Seth Meyers

After test driving an electric Hummer pickup truck in Michigan ... President Biden said, "This sucker's something else!" OK, but don't give him one. The last thing anyone needs is a 78-year-old man driving a car that you can't hear coming.


New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced at a press conference ... that he is not vaccinated against the coronavirus and said that he "has his reasons." I mean, he's a backup quarterback on the Jets. I assume his reason is that he's ready to die.


Officials in Florida recently discovered a 20-foot-long metal box washed up on a beach. Even weirder, there wasn't any cocaine in it.


After Texas Sen. Ted Cruz accused Republican congresswoman Liz Cheney in a recent interview of having "Trump Derangement Syndrome," Cheney tweeted: "Trump broke Ted Cruz." Yeah, but that's like breaking an Ikea bookshelf — it was about to go anyway: "You put books on it? Oh, you can't put books on it."